1 00:00:11,192 --> 00:00:14,191 ♪♪ 2 00:00:14,192 --> 00:00:15,951 让我们在一起 ♪ Let's stay together 3 00:00:15,952 --> 00:00:16,951 男：布鲁斯。 Man: Bruce. 4 00:00:16,952 --> 00:00:19,781 我想，当烤肉结束的时候， I think when this roast is over, 5 00:00:19,782 --> 00:00:24,781 你会发现自己是一个微笑的混蛋。 you gonna find yourself one smiling motherfucker. 6 00:00:24,782 --> 00:00:26,781 问题是，布鲁斯，现在， Thing is, Bruce, right now, 7 00:00:26,782 --> 00:00:30,781 你是一个63岁的动作英雄。 you're a 63-year-old action hero. 8 00:00:30,782 --> 00:00:34,781 这是生活中难以接受的事实。 That's a hard motherfuckin' fact of life. 9 00:00:34,782 --> 00:00:35,781 但这是人生的一个事实 But it's a fact of life 10 00:00:35,782 --> 00:00:39,781 你的屁股必须要现实一点。 your ass is gonna have to get realistic about. 11 00:00:39,782 --> 00:00:43,781 如果你认为随着年龄的增长，它会变得更好，但事实并非如此。 If you think it gets better with age, it don't. 12 00:00:43,782 --> 00:00:48,781 你还剩下多少部电影？ How many of those movies have you got left in you? 13 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:49,781 二。 Two. 14 00:00:49,782 --> 00:00:52,781 你从未获得过奥斯卡奖， You never won an Academy Award, 15 00:00:52,782 --> 00:00:57,781 如果你想赢一场，你现在就赢了。 and if you were gonna win one, you would've won it by now. 16 00:00:57,782 --> 00:01:00,781 你是我的黑鬼吗？ Are you my nigga? 17 00:01:00,782 --> 00:01:02,782 它看起来确实如此。 It certainly appears so. 18 00:01:06,782 --> 00:01:10,781 现在，在烤的那个晚上，你可能会感到刺痛。 Now, the night of the roast, you may feel a sting. 19 00:01:10,782 --> 00:01:13,781 这是和你一起的骄傲。 That's pride fuckin' with ya. 20 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:16,781 他妈的骄傲。 Fuck pride. 21 00:01:16,782 --> 00:01:18,781 骄傲只会伤人。 Pride only hurts. 22 00:01:18,782 --> 00:01:21,781 我看过你拍的电影。 I've seen the movies you've made. 23 00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:26,781 你从来没有骄傲过，那为什么现在就开始呢？ You never had any pride, so why start now? 24 00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:30,781 因为一年后，当你在加勒比海踢球的时候， 'Cause a year from now, when you kickin' it in the Caribbean, 25 00:01:30,782 --> 00:01:36,781 你会说，“喜剧中心是对的。” you gonna say, "Comedy Central was right." 26 00:01:36,782 --> 00:01:39,781 当他们用那些笑话打你的时候，你会笑。 When they hit you with those jokes, you laugh. 27 00:01:39,782 --> 00:01:41,781 说出来。 Say it. 28 00:01:41,782 --> 00:01:44,781 当他们用那些笑话打我的时候…… When they hit me with those jokes... 29 00:01:44,782 --> 00:01:46,781 我笑了。 I laugh. 30 00:01:46,782 --> 00:01:48,781 现在出去。 Now get out there. 31 00:01:48,782 --> 00:01:52,781 是时候让你的屁股上了中世纪了。 It's time to get medieval on your ass. 32 00:01:52,782 --> 00:01:55,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 33 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,781 范哈伦的"我是唯一的" [ Van Halen's "I'm the One" plays ] 34 00:01:57,782 --> 00:01:59,781 到海边去。 Come out to the coast. 35 00:01:59,782 --> 00:02:01,781 我们会聚在一起，开怀大笑。 We'll get together, have a few laughs. 36 00:02:01,782 --> 00:02:07,781 关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 37 00:02:07,782 --> 00:02:08,781 哇！ Whoo! 38 00:02:08,782 --> 00:02:18,781 关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 39 00:02:18,782 --> 00:02:20,781 我们来这里是为了娱乐你 ♪ We came here to entertain you ♪ 40 00:02:20,782 --> 00:02:22,781 离开这里，我们使你更加恶化 ♪ Leaving here we aggravate you ♪ 41 00:02:22,782 --> 00:02:26,781 你不知道这对我来说是一样的 ♪ Don't you know it means the same to me ♪ 42 00:02:26,782 --> 00:02:28,781 亲爱的，我是你爱的人 ♪ Honey, I'm the one, the one you love ♪ 43 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:31,781 来吧，宝贝，表达你的爱 ♪ Come on, baby, show your love ♪ 44 00:02:31,782 --> 00:02:35,491 嘿，把它给我 ♪ Hey, give it to me 45 00:02:35,492 --> 00:02:39,781 我看到了一种充满了这个房间的光芒 ♪ I see a glow that fills this room ♪ 46 00:02:39,782 --> 00:02:43,781 我看到它从你的身体里滚了出来 ♪ I see it rolling off of you 47 00:02:43,782 --> 00:02:46,781 现在你的信息来自上面 ♪ And now your message from above ♪ 48 00:02:46,782 --> 00:02:48,781 我在告诉你 ♪ I'm tellin' you 49 00:02:48,782 --> 00:02:54,781 哦，表达你的爱 ♪ Ow, show your love 50 00:02:54,782 --> 00:02:56,781 表达你的爱 ♪ Show your love 51 00:02:56,782 --> 00:03:01,781 这是布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉。 This is the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis. 52 00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:07,781 关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 53 00:03:07,782 --> 00:03:10,781 现在请欢迎你的Roastmaster， And now please welcome your Roastmaster, 54 00:03:10,782 --> 00:03:12,781 约瑟夫戈登-莱维特。 Joseph Gordon-Levitt. 55 00:03:12,782 --> 00:03:15,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 56 00:03:15,782 --> 00:03:17,781 哇！ Whoa! 57 00:03:17,782 --> 00:03:21,781 ♪♪ 58 00:03:21,782 --> 00:03:22,781 谢谢。 Thank you. 59 00:03:22,782 --> 00:03:24,781 谢谢，女士们，先生们。 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 60 00:03:24,782 --> 00:03:28,781 欢迎收看布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉！ And welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis! 61 00:03:28,782 --> 00:03:31,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 62 00:03:31,782 --> 00:03:33,781 我很高兴能来到这里。 I am thrilled to be here. 63 00:03:33,782 --> 00:03:35,781 我一生都是布鲁斯威利斯的超级粉丝。 I've been a huge Bruce Willis fan my entire life. 64 00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:37,781 我父亲是布鲁斯威利斯的超级粉丝。 My father was a huge Bruce Willis fan. 65 00:03:37,782 --> 00:03:39,781 他的父亲是一个巨大的布鲁斯威利斯迷， His father was a huge Bruce Willis fan, 66 00:03:39,782 --> 00:03:42,781 他的父亲在他面前。 and his father before him. 67 00:03:42,782 --> 00:03:45,781 但是作为一个演员，我真的很佩服布鲁斯的工作。 Uh, but as an actor, I-I really admire Bruce's work. 68 00:03:45,782 --> 00:03:48,781 他可以从一个混蛋警察那里玩任何东西 He can play anything from an asshole cop 69 00:03:48,782 --> 00:03:50,781 给一个混蛋的前警察。 to an asshole ex-cop. 70 00:03:50,782 --> 00:03:53,781 笑声 [ Laughter ] 71 00:03:53,782 --> 00:03:55,781 当你得到像布鲁斯这样的明星时， And when you got a star like Bruce, 72 00:03:55,782 --> 00:03:58,781 组装一个伟大的讲台是不费任何力气的。 it takes no effort to assemble a great dais. 73 00:03:58,782 --> 00:03:59,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 74 00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:01,781 是的。 Yeah. 75 00:04:01,782 --> 00:04:03,781 一点也不努力。 No effort at all. 76 00:04:03,782 --> 00:04:06,781 我们有国内权威玛莎斯图尔特和我们在一起。 We have domestic guru Martha Stewart here with us. 77 00:04:06,782 --> 00:04:07,781 玛莎。 Martha. 78 00:04:07,782 --> 00:04:10,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 79 00:04:10,782 --> 00:04:11,781 玛莎今晚会做得很好。 Martha's gonna do great tonight. 80 00:04:11,782 --> 00:04:16,781 呃，她已经习惯了不需要的剩菜。 Uh, she's used to working with unwanted leftovers. 81 00:04:16,782 --> 00:04:18,781 李尔，很高兴见到你，先生。 Lil Rel, good to see you, sir. 82 00:04:18,782 --> 00:04:20,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 83 00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,781 呃，Lil Rel在"卡迈克尔秀"上 Uh, Lil Rel was on "The Carmichael Show," 84 00:04:22,782 --> 00:04:24,781 现在他有了自己的节目。 and now he's got his own show. 85 00:04:24,782 --> 00:04:26,781 评论家说这是相似的 And critics say that it'll be similar 86 00:04:26,782 --> 00:04:28,781 “卡迈克尔秀”——被取消了。 to "The Carmichael Show" -- canceled. 87 00:04:28,782 --> 00:04:30,782 笑声 [ Laughter ] 88 00:04:32,782 --> 00:04:35,781 我们有凯文波拉克，是的。 We got Kevin Pollak. Yeah. 89 00:04:35,782 --> 00:04:37,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 90 00:04:37,782 --> 00:04:40,781 他参加了"了不起的梅塞尔夫人"的演出。 He's in the show "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel." 91 00:04:40,782 --> 00:04:45,781 嗯，他扮演的是一个叫莫伊的角色。 Um, he plays a character named Moishe Maisel. 92 00:04:45,782 --> 00:04:46,781 她？ Moishe? 93 00:04:46,782 --> 00:04:49,781 如果这是犹太人的话，那就能控制天气了。 If that was any more Jewish, it would control the weather. 94 00:04:49,782 --> 00:04:52,781 笑声 [ Laughter ] 95 00:04:52,782 --> 00:04:54,781 爱德华诺顿在这里真是太棒了。 And it's awesome that Edward Norton is here. 96 00:04:54,782 --> 00:04:55,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 97 00:04:55,782 --> 00:04:57,781 怎么了，伙计？ What's up, man? 98 00:04:57,782 --> 00:05:00,781 世界上最伟大的在世演员之一 One of the world's greatest living actors 99 00:05:00,782 --> 00:05:02,781 将会被爱德华诺顿烘焙。 is going to get roasted by Edward Norton. 100 00:05:02,782 --> 00:05:04,781 笑声 [ Laughter ] 101 00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:07,781 我们也有和平缔造者丹尼斯罗德曼 We also have peacemaker Dennis Rodman 102 00:05:07,782 --> 00:05:08,781 今晚和我们在一起。 here with us tonight. 103 00:05:08,782 --> 00:05:11,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 104 00:05:11,782 --> 00:05:15,781 丹尼斯罗德曼再次从朝鲜回来。 Dennis Rodman returning once again from North Korea. 105 00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:19,781 呃，你知道，丹尼斯可能是这个星球上唯一的人 Uh, you know, Dennis may, uh, be the only person on the planet 106 00:05:19,782 --> 00:05:22,781 谁能阻止核战争。 who can prevent a nuclear war. 107 00:05:22,782 --> 00:05:26,781 所以我想这是再见。 So I guess this is goodbye. 108 00:05:26,782 --> 00:05:28,781 笑声 [ Laughter ] 109 00:05:28,782 --> 00:05:31,781 但今晚是我们的嘉宾。 But tonight is about our guest of honor. 110 00:05:31,782 --> 00:05:32,782 让我们看看布鲁斯威利斯的行动， Let's see Bruce Willis in action, 111 00:05:33,782 --> 00:05:35,781 因为没人想在喜剧中看到他。 because nobody wants to see him in a comedy. 112 00:05:35,782 --> 00:05:37,781 嘿。 Hey. 113 00:05:37,782 --> 00:05:39,781 你是谁？警察？ Who are you? A cop? 114 00:05:39,782 --> 00:05:40,781 Grant：你错了 Grant: You're the wrong guy 115 00:05:40,782 --> 00:05:43,781 在错误的时间出现在错误的地点。 in the wrong place at the wrong time. 116 00:05:43,782 --> 00:05:45,781 男：你知道我喜欢什么样的人吗？ Man: You know what kind guys I roll with? 117 00:05:45,782 --> 00:05:46,781 我的人生故事。 Story of my life. 118 00:05:46,782 --> 00:05:48,781 死硬。 Die hards. 119 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,781 朋友，欢迎来参加聚会。 Welcome to the party, pal. 120 00:05:50,782 --> 00:05:51,781 我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis 121 00:05:51,782 --> 00:05:53,781 就像布鲁斯威利斯一样，我是一个死硬的人 ♪ Like Bruce Willis, I'm a die hard ♪ 122 00:05:53,782 --> 00:05:55,781 我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis 123 00:05:55,782 --> 00:05:56,781 我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 124 00:05:56,782 --> 00:05:58,781 我是一个死硬的莱特曼：布鲁斯威利斯。 ♪ I'm a die hard Letterman: Bruce Willis. 125 00:05:58,782 --> 00:06:00,781 斯图尔特：当你带着一顶帽子走到“莱特曼”的时候…… Stewart: When you walked out on "Letterman" with a meat hat... 126 00:06:00,782 --> 00:06:02,781 -不，这完全是自然的。-嗯。 - No, this is all-natural. - Uh-huh. 127 00:06:02,782 --> 00:06:04,781 我对你的尊敬从屋顶上走了出来。 ...my esteem for you went through the roof. 128 00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:05,782 我有精神疾病。 I am mentally ill. 129 00:06:06,782 --> 00:06:07,781 这是一个奇迹！ It's a miracle! 130 00:06:07,782 --> 00:06:08,781 我看到死人。 I see dead people. 131 00:06:08,782 --> 00:06:10,781 在你的梦里？ In your dreams? 132 00:06:10,782 --> 00:06:13,781 没有私人恩怨。我只是讨厌你。 Nothing personal. I just hate you. 133 00:06:13,782 --> 00:06:16,781 你知道，我非常尊敬你告诉我这个。 You know, I respect you so much for telling me that. 134 00:06:16,782 --> 00:06:18,781 我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis 135 00:06:18,782 --> 00:06:20,121 我是一个死硬的布鲁斯威利斯 ♪ I'm a die hard, Bruce Willis ♪ 136 00:06:20,122 --> 00:06:22,782 你知道有些演员拒绝出演角色吗？ Did you know that some actors turn down roles? 137 00:06:24,782 --> 00:06:26,781 辛西亚：你不想让每个人都感到害怕。 Cynthia: You don't want to be intimidating everybody. 138 00:06:26,782 --> 00:06:28,781 你曾经是一个很快乐的人。 You used to be such a happy-go-lucky guy. 139 00:06:28,782 --> 00:06:31,781 嘿，我很快乐——我很快乐，很幸运。 Hey, I'm happy-go-- I'm very happy-go-lucky. 140 00:06:31,782 --> 00:06:34,781 如果你不尊重自己 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 141 00:06:34,782 --> 00:06:38,781 没人会给你一个好东西 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪ 142 00:06:38,782 --> 00:06:40,781 布鲁斯，布鲁斯，布鲁斯，布鲁斯！ Together: Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce! 143 00:06:40,782 --> 00:06:41,781 我们爱他如摇滚明星。 We love him as a rock star. 144 00:06:41,782 --> 00:06:43,781 ♪♪ 145 00:06:43,782 --> 00:06:46,781 美国政府刚刚要求我们拯救世界。 The United States government just asked us to save the world. 146 00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:49,781 有人想说不吗？ Anybody want to say no? 147 00:06:49,782 --> 00:06:51,781 哈蒂根：这是结束合作的一种方式。 Hartigan: Hell of a way to end a partnership. 148 00:06:51,782 --> 00:06:55,201 感觉那个刺，大男孩，是吗？那是和你一起的骄傲。 Feel that sting, big boy, huh? That's pride fuckin' with you. 149 00:06:55,202 --> 00:06:57,781 如果你喜欢赌博，我告诉你我是你的男人 ♪ If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man ♪ 150 00:06:57,782 --> 00:06:58,781 很幸运，是吧？ Pretty lucky shot, huh? 151 00:06:58,782 --> 00:07:01,781 你赢了一些，输了一些，对我来说都一样 ♪ You win some, lose some, all the same to me ♪ 152 00:07:01,782 --> 00:07:02,781 你不会杀我的。 You're not gonna kill me. 153 00:07:02,782 --> 00:07:05,781 不，杰克是。 No. Jack is. 154 00:07:05,782 --> 00:07:07,701 我不认同你的贪婪 ♪ I don't share your greed 155 00:07:07,702 --> 00:07:09,781 我唯一需要的就是黑桃a ♪ The only card I need is the ace of spades ♪ 156 00:07:09,782 --> 00:07:11,781 哇！黑桃a Whoo! ♪ The ace of spades 157 00:07:11,782 --> 00:07:12,781 谁是Zed？ Who's Zed? 158 00:07:12,782 --> 00:07:14,781 Zed死了，宝贝。 Zed's dead, baby. 159 00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:15,781 -啊！-Zed死了。 - Aah! - Zed's dead. 160 00:07:15,782 --> 00:07:17,781 你知道我生来就会失去 ♪ You know I'm born to lose 161 00:07:17,782 --> 00:07:18,781 赌博是傻瓜 ♪ And gambling's for fools 162 00:07:18,782 --> 00:07:20,781 但这就是我喜欢的方式，宝贝 ♪ But that's the way I like it, baby ♪ 163 00:07:20,782 --> 00:07:22,781 我不想永远活下去 ♪ I don't wanna live forever 164 00:07:22,782 --> 00:07:25,781 -你没事吧？-我的胆固醇有点高。 - You all right? - My cholesterol's a little high. 165 00:07:25,782 --> 00:07:27,781 还有谁想谈判吗？ Anybody else want to negotiate? 166 00:07:27,782 --> 00:07:29,781 哦，该死！ Oh, shit! 167 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:32,781 米基：哦，不，把我放回去。把我放回去。 Mikey: Oh, no, put me back in. Put me back in. 168 00:07:32,782 --> 00:07:34,781 你看到的唯一的东西 ♪ The only thing you see 169 00:07:34,782 --> 00:07:36,781 你知道这将会是 ♪ You know it's gonna be 170 00:07:36,782 --> 00:07:37,781 黑桃a ♪ The ace of spades 171 00:07:37,782 --> 00:07:39,781 黑桃a ♪ The ace of spades 172 00:07:39,782 --> 00:07:41,781 你真的认为你有机会和我们对抗，牛仔先生？ Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mr. Cowboy? 173 00:07:41,782 --> 00:07:44,781 小丫头，妈的。 Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker. 174 00:07:44,782 --> 00:07:45,781 该死的。 Motherfucker. 175 00:07:45,782 --> 00:07:46,781 该死的。 Motherfucker. 176 00:07:46,782 --> 00:07:49,782 我是威廉福克纳。 Yippee ki-yay, William Faulkner. 177 00:07:50,782 --> 00:07:53,781 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 178 00:07:53,782 --> 00:07:55,781 他有第六感。 He's got a sixth sense. 179 00:07:55,782 --> 00:07:56,781 让我们希望这是一种幽默感。 Let's hope it's a sense of humor. 180 00:07:56,782 --> 00:07:59,781 女士们，先生们，请欢迎这个时刻的到来， Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man of the hour, 181 00:07:59,782 --> 00:08:01,781 布鲁斯威利斯！ Bruce Willis! 182 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:09,781 ♪♪ 183 00:08:09,782 --> 00:08:17,781 ♪♪ 184 00:08:17,782 --> 00:08:24,782 ♪♪ 185 00:08:27,782 --> 00:08:28,781 -你感觉很好？-是的。 - You feeling good? - Yes. 186 00:08:28,782 --> 00:08:29,781 -你准备好了吗？-很好。 - Are you ready for this? - Very well. 187 00:08:29,782 --> 00:08:33,361 布鲁斯威利斯。 So, Bruce Willis. 188 00:08:33,362 --> 00:08:34,781 这是一种职业，对吧？ What a career, right? 189 00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:38,361 "第五元素"第六感" "The Fifth Element," "The Sixth Sense," 190 00:08:38,362 --> 00:08:41,361 “整个9码，”“12只猴子”。 "The Whole Nine Yards," "12 Monkeys." 191 00:08:41,362 --> 00:08:43,361 零个奥斯卡奖。 Zero Oscars. 192 00:08:43,362 --> 00:08:44,361 笑声 [ Laughter ] 193 00:08:44,362 --> 00:08:47,361 昆汀塔伦蒂诺，m奈特沙马兰， Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan, 194 00:08:47,362 --> 00:08:49,361 韦斯安德森，迈克尔贝， Wes Anderson, Michael Bay, 195 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,361 这些只是布鲁斯的一些导演 these are just some of Bruce's directors 196 00:08:51,362 --> 00:08:53,361 今晚谁拒绝来这里。 who refused to be here tonight. 197 00:08:53,362 --> 00:08:56,361 笑声 [ Laughter ] 198 00:08:56,362 --> 00:09:00,361 如果你把白色部分分离出来就会得到布鲁斯威利斯 Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part 199 00:09:00,362 --> 00:09:02,361 “摇滚”的约翰逊。 of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. 200 00:09:02,362 --> 00:09:04,362 笑声 [ Laughter ] 201 00:09:07,362 --> 00:09:10,361 而且，不仅仅是动作电影让布鲁斯成为明星。 And -- And it's not just action movies that made Bruce a star. 202 00:09:10,362 --> 00:09:12,361 他也是一个很有戏剧效果的演员。 He's actually a great dramatic actor, too. 203 00:09:12,362 --> 00:09:14,361 我喜欢“第六感”。 I loved "The Sixth Sense." 204 00:09:14,362 --> 00:09:16,361 这是一部很棒的电影。 It's a great movie. 205 00:09:16,362 --> 00:09:17,361 这是一个令人印象深刻的表演。 And it's a really impressive performance. 206 00:09:17,362 --> 00:09:19,361 我不知道你怎么假装不觉得尴尬 I don't know how you pretended not to be embarrassed 207 00:09:19,362 --> 00:09:22,361 当一个10岁的孩子在你周围绕圈子。 while a 10-year-old kid acted circles around you. 208 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,361 但你做到了。 But you did it. 209 00:09:24,362 --> 00:09:26,361 还有结尾。 And, uh -- And the ending. 210 00:09:26,362 --> 00:09:28,361 我没有看到这种扭曲的到来。 I did not see that twist coming. 211 00:09:28,362 --> 00:09:30,361 我的意思是我不应该破坏它，但是。 I mean I-I shouldn't spoil it, but... 212 00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,371 我的意思是，去他妈的，已经有20年了。 I mean, fuck it. It's been like 20 years. 213 00:09:31,372 --> 00:09:33,361 太好了。 It's so good. 214 00:09:33,362 --> 00:09:34,361 好了，在第六感的结尾， Okay, so, at the end of "The Sixth Sense," 215 00:09:34,362 --> 00:09:37,361 布鲁斯又回到了制作劣质电影的地方。 Bruce goes back to making shitty movies. 216 00:09:37,362 --> 00:09:38,662 笑声 [ Laughter ] 217 00:09:41,362 --> 00:09:43,871 我和布鲁斯一起工作 I had a blast working with Bruce 218 00:09:43,872 --> 00:09:46,361 在一部叫做“游路者”的穿越时空的电影里。 in a time-travel movie called "Looper." 219 00:09:46,362 --> 00:09:49,361 欢呼和掌声感谢你，谢谢。 [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, thank you. 220 00:09:49,362 --> 00:09:52,361 所以，在电影里，我扮演一个年轻的布鲁斯威利斯， So, in the film, uh, I play a young Bruce Willis, 221 00:09:52,362 --> 00:09:55,361 他扮演的是布鲁斯威利斯。 and he played a washed-up Bruce Willis. 222 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:58,361 但这是一个疯狂的科幻故事 But it was this crazy sci-fi premise 223 00:09:58,362 --> 00:09:59,361 我在未来的生活中 where I end up in the future 224 00:09:59,362 --> 00:10:02,361 布鲁斯在1999年之后拍了一部好电影。 and Bruce ends up in a good movie made after 1999. 225 00:10:02,362 --> 00:10:04,371 笑声 [ Laughter ] 226 00:10:04,372 --> 00:10:06,361 我们希望你今晚过得愉快， We want you to have a good time tonight, 227 00:10:06,362 --> 00:10:08,361 但是不要太过舒服， but don't get too comfortable up here, 228 00:10:08,362 --> 00:10:10,361 因为以后，我们会取代你 because later, we're gonna be replacing you 229 00:10:10,362 --> 00:10:12,361 和阿什顿库彻一起。 with Ashton Kutcher. 230 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,361 放松点！ Relax! 231 00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:15,361 放松。 Relax. 232 00:10:15,362 --> 00:10:17,361 布鲁斯和他相处得很好。 Bruce gets along with him fine. 233 00:10:17,362 --> 00:10:19,361 他甚至在阿什顿和黛米的婚礼上。 He was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding. 234 00:10:19,362 --> 00:10:23,361 他的礼物是一台烤面包机和9000万美元。 His gift was a toaster and $90 million. 235 00:10:23,362 --> 00:10:26,361 笑声 [ Laughter ] 236 00:10:26,362 --> 00:10:28,361 好吧，听着，不管大家今晚在这里说什么， Well, listen, whatever anybody says here tonight, 237 00:10:28,362 --> 00:10:29,362 这是事实，明白吗？ here's the truth, okay? 238 00:10:30,362 --> 00:10:32,361 在内心深处，我们每一个人 Deep down, every single one of us 239 00:10:32,362 --> 00:10:36,361 希望我们有这样的勇气， wishes that we have that -- that courage, 240 00:10:36,362 --> 00:10:38,361 那种大摇大摇的样子，就像，我不给你他妈的—— that swagger of, like, I don't give a fuck that -- 241 00:10:38,362 --> 00:10:42,361 你比我们那个时代的任何电影明星都要优秀。 that you embody better than any other movie star of our time. 242 00:10:42,362 --> 00:10:44,361 真的。你给我们想要的， Really. You give us what we want, 243 00:10:44,362 --> 00:10:46,361 我们也爱你。 and we love you for it. 244 00:10:46,362 --> 00:10:48,361 所以，今晚，让我们来纪念 And so, tonight, let's honor 245 00:10:48,362 --> 00:10:51,361 好莱坞三名创始人之一。 one of the three founders of Planet Hollywood. 246 00:10:51,362 --> 00:10:53,361 笑声 [ Laughter ] 247 00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:56,361 不是那个获得奥斯卡奖的人 Not the one who won an Oscar 248 00:10:56,362 --> 00:10:59,361 而不是那个成为加州州长的人， and not the one who became the governor of California, 249 00:10:59,362 --> 00:11:03,361 但是，这个人的代理人只是一个外向的信息，他说， but the one whose agent is just an outgoing message that says, 250 00:11:03,362 --> 00:11:05,361 “他会接受的！” "He'll take it!" 251 00:11:05,362 --> 00:11:06,362 沃尔特布鲁斯威利斯！ Walter Bruce Willis! 252 00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:09,361 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 253 00:11:09,362 --> 00:11:11,361 接下来，尼基。格拉泽。 Coming up, Nikki Glaser... 254 00:11:11,362 --> 00:11:14,361 我不会搞笑的，但我看起来很性感，这很好。 I-I'm not gonna be funny, but I look hot, so that's fine. 255 00:11:14,362 --> 00:11:16,361 凯文波拉克，西比尔谢泼德， ...Kevin Pollak, Cybill Shepherd, 256 00:11:16,362 --> 00:11:17,361 Lil Rel Howery。 Lil Rel Howery... 257 00:11:17,362 --> 00:11:18,361 别难过，兄弟。 No hard feelings, brother. 258 00:11:18,362 --> 00:11:21,361 爱德华诺顿，玛莎斯图尔特，Dom Irrera， ...Edward Norton, Martha Stewart, Dom Irrera, 259 00:11:21,362 --> 00:11:25,361 丹尼斯罗德曼，杰夫罗斯和黛米摩尔， Dennis Rodman, Jeff Ross, and Demi Moore, 260 00:11:25,362 --> 00:11:28,461 当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 261 00:11:28,462 --> 00:11:33,461 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 252 00:11:08,462 --> 00:11:10,461 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 253 00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:12,461 接下来，尼基。格拉泽。 Coming up, Nikki Glaser... 254 00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:15,461 我不会搞笑的，但我看起来很性感，这很好。 I-I'm not gonna be funny, but I look hot, so that's fine. 255 00:11:15,462 --> 00:11:17,461 凯文波拉克，西比尔谢泼德， ...Kevin Pollak, Cybill Shepherd, 256 00:11:17,462 --> 00:11:18,461 Lil Rel Howery。 Lil Rel Howery... 257 00:11:18,462 --> 00:11:19,461 别难过，兄弟。 No hard feelings, brother. 258 00:11:19,462 --> 00:11:22,461 爱德华诺顿，玛莎斯图尔特，Dom Irrera， ...Edward Norton, Martha Stewart, Dom Irrera, 259 00:11:22,462 --> 00:11:26,461 丹尼斯罗德曼，杰夫罗斯和黛米摩尔， Dennis Rodman, Jeff Ross, and Demi Moore, 260 00:11:26,462 --> 00:11:29,561 当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 261 00:11:29,562 --> 00:11:34,561 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 262 00:11:34,562 --> 00:11:35,561 今晚我们的第一个烘焙师 Our first roaster tonight 263 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,561 是一个肯定需要介绍的人 is someone who definitely needs an introduction -- 264 00:11:38,562 --> 00:11:40,561 尼基格拉泽！ Nikki Glaser! 265 00:11:40,562 --> 00:11:42,561 当她没有主持她的热门电台节目时， When she's not hosting her hit radio show, 266 00:11:42,562 --> 00:11:43,561 你可以发现她在四处走动 you can find her blowing around 267 00:11:43,562 --> 00:11:46,561 Toyotathon的外部汽车经销商。 outside car dealerships during Toyotathon. 268 00:11:46,562 --> 00:11:48,561 请欢迎尼基。格拉泽！ Please welcome Nikki Glaser! 269 00:11:48,562 --> 00:11:50,561 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 270 00:11:50,562 --> 00:11:55,561 ♪♪ 271 00:11:55,562 --> 00:11:58,561 约瑟夫戈登-莱维特，各位！ Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone! 272 00:11:58,562 --> 00:11:59,561 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 273 00:11:59,562 --> 00:12:02,561 他是如此可爱，如此可爱。 He's so cute, so adorable. 274 00:12:02,562 --> 00:12:07,561 我打赌你会吃猫咪，但前提是先把它切掉。 I bet you eat pussy but only with the crust cut off first. 275 00:12:07,562 --> 00:12:10,561 这不是他的表情吗？ Isn't that his look? 276 00:12:10,562 --> 00:12:11,561 说到暴躁的猫咪， Speaking of crusty pussy, 277 00:12:11,562 --> 00:12:12,561 我马上就来找你，西比尔。 I'll get to you in a second, Cybill. 278 00:12:12,562 --> 00:12:13,561 我，嗯。 I, um... 279 00:12:13,562 --> 00:12:16,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 280 00:12:16,562 --> 00:12:18,561 我知道。 I know. 281 00:12:18,562 --> 00:12:20,561 我知道。 I know. 282 00:12:20,562 --> 00:12:23,561 玛莎斯图尔特，你来这里的“小腿”。 Martha Stewart, "shank" you for being here. 283 00:12:23,562 --> 00:12:25,561 笑柄。 [ Laughter ] Shank. 284 00:12:25,562 --> 00:12:27,561 说真的，恭喜你 Seriously, and congratulations 285 00:12:27,562 --> 00:12:30,561 把泰国足球队踢出你的阴道。 on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina. 286 00:12:30,562 --> 00:12:32,562 观众叹息，大笑 [ Audience groans, laughter ] 287 00:12:35,562 --> 00:12:38,691 进入你的血汗工厂。 And into your sweatshops. 288 00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:40,562 这就是他们现在的位置。 That's where they are now. 289 00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:46,561 令人惊讶的是，玛莎说监狱的食物并没有那么糟糕。 Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn't that bad. 290 00:12:46,562 --> 00:12:49,562 只是，你知道，只要胡子刮得很干净，那么…… Just, you know, as long as it was clean-shaven, so... 291 00:12:52,562 --> 00:12:55,561 她喜欢对细节的关注。 She loves attention to detail. 292 00:12:55,562 --> 00:12:58,561 她在笑吗？ Is she laughing? 293 00:12:58,562 --> 00:13:00,561 我怕她。 I'm terrified of her. 294 00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:02,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 295 00:13:02,562 --> 00:13:04,561 不，我——说真的，玛莎斯图尔特，我是一个超级粉丝， No, I -- Honestly, Martha Stewart, I'm a huge fan, 296 00:13:04,562 --> 00:13:06,561 我妈妈是一个更大的粉丝。 and my mom is an even bigger fan. 297 00:13:06,562 --> 00:13:07,562 我妈妈从玛莎斯图尔特那里学到了很多东西 My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart 298 00:13:08,562 --> 00:13:13,561 关于烹饪，清洁和隐瞒感情，所以。 about cooking and cleaning and withholding affection, so... 299 00:13:13,562 --> 00:13:15,561 它离我的心很近。 It's close to my heart. 300 00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,561 凯文波拉克在这里。 Kevin Pollak is here. 301 00:13:17,562 --> 00:13:18,561 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 302 00:13:18,562 --> 00:13:21,561 啊，真是个了不起的演员。 Ah, such an amazing actor. 303 00:13:21,562 --> 00:13:23,561 大多数人，我知道凯文是这样的， Most -- Uh, I know Kevin as, like, 304 00:13:23,562 --> 00:13:26,561 他是有史以来最伟大的印象派画家之一。 one of the greatest impressionists of all time. 305 00:13:26,562 --> 00:13:27,561 我是一个超级粉丝。 I'm a huge fan. 306 00:13:27,562 --> 00:13:28,561 我最喜欢他的是，嗯， My favorite of his is, um, 307 00:13:28,562 --> 00:13:31,561 他做了一个了不起的罗宾威廉姆斯。 he does an amazing Robin Williams. 308 00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:33,561 我真希望他能完成。 I-I just wish he would finish it. 309 00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:36,561 观众叹息 [ Audience groans ] 310 00:13:36,562 --> 00:13:37,561 好的，伙计们。 Yeah. Okay, guys. 311 00:13:37,562 --> 00:13:39,561 听着，我要说的是我们已经失去了 Listen, all I'm saying is that we've lost 312 00:13:39,562 --> 00:13:41,561 最近有很多人自杀， a lot of greats to suicide recently, 313 00:13:41,562 --> 00:13:43,561 现在是我们失去一些好天气的时候了。 and it's time we lose some okays. 314 00:13:43,562 --> 00:13:46,562 笑声，呻吟 [ Laughter, groaning ] 315 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:50,561 Cybill的漂亮。 Cybill's gorgeous. 316 00:13:50,562 --> 00:13:53,561 我很荣幸能见到她，嗯—— I'm, like, honored to meet her, and, um -- 317 00:13:53,562 --> 00:13:54,561 她的rsumsuma是疯狂的。 and her résumé is insane. 318 00:13:54,562 --> 00:13:56,561 就像，如果你看着它，它就像模型， Like, if you look at it, it's just like model, 319 00:13:56,562 --> 00:13:57,561 演员，歌手。 actor, singer. 320 00:13:57,562 --> 00:14:00,561 你说出来，她就把它给骗了。 You name it, she's fucked it. 321 00:14:00,562 --> 00:14:02,562 笑声，呻吟 [ Laughter, groaning ] 322 00:14:04,562 --> 00:14:06,562 我希望那不是真的。 I wish that wasn't true. 323 00:14:07,562 --> 00:14:08,561 我不认识这些人。 I don't know any of these people. 324 00:14:08,562 --> 00:14:10,562 Cybill。 Cybill... 325 00:14:11,562 --> 00:14:12,561 为什么我在这里？ Why am I here? 326 00:14:12,562 --> 00:14:14,561 呃。 Ugh. 327 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,561 从字面上看，你没有朋友。 Literally, you have, like, no friends. 328 00:14:16,562 --> 00:14:17,561 嗯… Um... 329 00:14:17,562 --> 00:14:20,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 330 00:14:20,562 --> 00:14:23,561 分享这个舞台真的很酷 It's truly so cool to be sharing the stage 331 00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:24,561 有了这些坏女人—— with these badass women -- 332 00:14:24,562 --> 00:14:28,561 赛比尔谢泼德，玛莎斯图尔特，呃，玛格丽特乔。 Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart, uh, Margaret Cho. 333 00:14:28,562 --> 00:14:30,151 我很抱歉，Dom Irrera。 I'm sorry, Dom Irrera. 334 00:14:30,152 --> 00:14:32,561 我——呃，对不起。 I -- Uh, sorry. 335 00:14:32,562 --> 00:14:34,561 我想那是。 I thought that was... 336 00:14:34,562 --> 00:14:37,441 笑声 [ Laughter ] 337 00:14:37,442 --> 00:14:38,561 Dom Irrer——我知道。 Dom Irrer-- I know. 338 00:14:38,562 --> 00:14:40,561 你这个懒虫。 You sleepy potato. 339 00:14:40,562 --> 00:14:43,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 340 00:14:43,562 --> 00:14:45,561 多姆，我爱你，但你是怎么中风的 Dom, I love you, but how did you have a stroke 341 00:14:45,562 --> 00:14:46,561 在你的脸上？ on both sides of your face? 342 00:14:46,562 --> 00:14:48,561 -解释一下。-我不知道。 - Explain that. - I don't know. 343 00:14:48,562 --> 00:14:51,561 我不明白。 I don't get it. 344 00:14:51,562 --> 00:14:54,821 丹尼斯罗德曼，怎么了？ Dennis Rodman, what's up? 345 00:14:54,822 --> 00:14:56,561 丹尼斯罗德曼！ Dennis Rodman! 346 00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:59,561 我第一次见到丹尼斯是在今晚早些时候 I first met Dennis just earlier tonight 347 00:14:59,562 --> 00:15:01,561 当他试图在人行道上卖我熏香时。 when he tried to sell me incense on the sidewalk. 348 00:15:01,562 --> 00:15:05,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 349 00:15:05,562 --> 00:15:09,561 我不想要，好吗？ I don't want any, okay? 350 00:15:09,562 --> 00:15:11,561 爱德华诺顿在这里。 Edward Norton is here. 351 00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:13,561 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 352 00:15:13,562 --> 00:15:15,562 嘿，伙计。 Hey, buddy. 353 00:15:16,562 --> 00:15:18,561 Ed在我看来就像一个木偶变成了一个男孩 Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy 354 00:15:18,562 --> 00:15:22,561 然后那个男孩变成了一个混蛋。 and then that boy became an asshole. 355 00:15:22,562 --> 00:15:24,561 对吧？ Right? 356 00:15:24,562 --> 00:15:29,561 他在搏击俱乐部里太热了，对吧？ He was so hot in "Fight Club," right? 357 00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:30,561 当他还是布拉德皮特的时候。 When he was Brad Pitt. 358 00:15:30,562 --> 00:15:32,561 那真是疯了。 That was nuts. 359 00:15:32,562 --> 00:15:34,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 360 00:15:34,562 --> 00:15:37,561 现在让我们去找布鲁斯！ Now let's get to Bruce! 361 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:41,561 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 362 00:15:41,562 --> 00:15:43,561 -布鲁斯？-是吗？ - Bruce? - Yes? 363 00:15:43,562 --> 00:15:44,561 这是真实的—— This is honestly a real -- 364 00:15:44,562 --> 00:15:47,561 对我来说，这是一个重要的个人时刻 a big personal moment for me to be here 365 00:15:47,562 --> 00:15:51,561 烤我死去的表哥的第二喜欢的动作明星。 roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star. 366 00:15:51,562 --> 00:15:54,561 很明显，我知道你是每一张DVD的明星 I know you, obviously, as the star of every DVD 367 00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:57,561 你在街上就能找到。 you kind of just find on the street. 368 00:15:57,562 --> 00:15:59,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 369 00:15:59,562 --> 00:16:02,561 很明显，你有一个很棒的动作电影事业 Obviously, you had an amazing action-film career 370 00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:05,561 直到杰森斯坦森开始秃顶。 until Jason Statham started balding. 371 00:16:05,562 --> 00:16:07,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 372 00:16:07,562 --> 00:16:09,561 我只是不熟悉动作片，我不知道。 I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know. 373 00:16:09,562 --> 00:16:14,561 我从未见过你的电影中有任何一个是你同意的。 I've never seen a single one of your films consensually. 374 00:16:14,562 --> 00:16:16,561 就像。 Like... 375 00:16:16,562 --> 00:16:17,561 这是一些人的一贯做法 it's always what some guy puts on 376 00:16:17,562 --> 00:16:20,561 当他试图把我指在他室友的沙发上时。 while he's trying to finger me on his roommate's couch. 377 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,562 你知道我在说什么吗？ Do you know what I'm saying? 378 00:16:24,562 --> 00:16:27,561 也许我不懂"第五元素" Maybe I didn't understand "The Fifth Element," 379 00:16:27,562 --> 00:16:28,561 不是因为我是个傻女孩， and it wasn't 'cause I'm a dumb girl, 380 00:16:28,562 --> 00:16:30,561 但是因为很难遵循这个情节 but because it's hard to follow that plot 381 00:16:30,562 --> 00:16:32,561 当你在打一只鸡的时候 when you're fighting off a roofie 382 00:16:32,562 --> 00:16:35,561 你心里有个关节，你知道吗？ and there's a knuckle inside you, you know? 383 00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,561 只是我？ Just me? 384 00:16:37,562 --> 00:16:39,561 哦，我喜欢“第六感”。 Oh, I loved "The Sixth Sense," though. 385 00:16:39,562 --> 00:16:42,561 我喜欢——还有结尾，当那个人出现在我的眼睛里 I loved -- And the ending, when the guy came in my eye 386 00:16:42,562 --> 00:16:44,562 我不需要看其他的，那太好了。 and I didn't have to watch the rest of it, that was great. 387 00:16:48,562 --> 00:16:50,561 很多人都不知道 A lot of people don't know 388 00:16:50,562 --> 00:16:53,561 布鲁斯是一个很有天赋的音乐家，因为他不是。 that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he isn't. 389 00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:56,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 390 00:16:56,562 --> 00:16:59,561 布鲁斯也非常积极地参与了许愿基金会， Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, 391 00:16:59,562 --> 00:17:00,561 这就是他们让生病的孩子遇见你的地方 which is where they make sick kids meet you 392 00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:04,561 所以死亡似乎并不可怕。 so dying doesn't seem so terrible. 393 00:17:04,562 --> 00:17:06,561 这太残忍了。 It's so cruel. 394 00:17:06,562 --> 00:17:09,561 布鲁斯，老实说，谢谢你邀请我来这里。 Bruce, in all honesty, thank you for having me here. 395 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,561 你真酷。你真性感。 You're really cool. You're so hot. 396 00:17:11,562 --> 00:17:13,561 这是一个特别的夜晚。 And this is a special night. 397 00:17:13,562 --> 00:17:16,561 很明显，这是一个特别的夜晚。 You really are. It's a special night, obviously. 398 00:17:16,562 --> 00:17:18,561 你的家人——你的女儿们一定很自豪 Your family -- Your daughters must be so proud 399 00:17:18,562 --> 00:17:20,561 他们的父亲，阿什顿库彻。 of their father, Ashton Kutcher. 400 00:17:20,562 --> 00:17:22,561 笑声 [ Laughter ] 401 00:17:22,562 --> 00:17:24,561 非常感谢，晚安。 Thank you very much. Good night. 402 00:17:24,562 --> 00:17:26,561 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 403 00:17:26,562 --> 00:17:28,561 -哦，太好了。-谢谢。 - Oh, that's so good. - Thank you. 404 00:17:28,562 --> 00:17:30,561 我拿到了。对不起，谢谢。 I got 'em. Sorry. Thank you. 405 00:17:30,562 --> 00:17:31,561 没有。 No. 406 00:17:31,562 --> 00:17:32,561 感觉很好。 It felt good. 407 00:17:32,562 --> 00:17:34,561 来吧，凯文波拉克。 Coming up, Kevin Pollak... 408 00:17:34,562 --> 00:17:36,561 你要下去了。 You're going down. 409 00:17:36,562 --> 00:17:37,561 还有塞比尔。谢弗德。 ...and Cybill Shepherd. 410 00:17:37,562 --> 00:17:38,691 不，不，不，不，不，不，不。 Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. 411 00:17:38,692 --> 00:17:42,611 当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 412 00:17:42,612 --> 00:17:44,611 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 413 00:17:44,612 --> 00:17:46,612 ♪♪ 414 00:17:48,897 --> 00:17:50,536 好吧！ All right! 415 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:53,536 我们的下一个烘焙师是凯文波拉克。 Our next roaster is Kevin Pollak. 416 00:17:53,537 --> 00:17:56,536 欢呼和掌声是。 [ Cheers and applause] Yes. 417 00:17:56,537 --> 00:17:59,536 他的职业生涯——超过150部电影 What a career he's had -- over 150 movies 418 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,536 还有不到12分钟的屏幕时间。 and just under 12 minutes of screen time. 419 00:18:01,537 --> 00:18:03,536 笑声 [ Laughter ] 420 00:18:03,537 --> 00:18:05,536 请欢迎凯文波拉克。 Please welcome Kevin Pollak. 421 00:18:05,537 --> 00:18:07,536 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 422 00:18:07,537 --> 00:18:13,536 ♪♪ 423 00:18:13,537 --> 00:18:17,536 谢谢你，约瑟夫戈登-莱维特，因为那是一个该死的名字。 Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 'cause that's a fuckin' name. 424 00:18:17,537 --> 00:18:20,536 你知道。 You know... 425 00:18:20,537 --> 00:18:22,536 你今晚干得很好，乔伊。 You're doing a great job tonight, Joey. 426 00:18:22,537 --> 00:18:24,536 -你真的。-谢谢你，谢谢你。 - You are, really. - Thank you, thank you. 427 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:27,536 他真是个行家。 He's such a pro. 428 00:18:27,537 --> 00:18:28,536 难怪你一直在好莱坞工作 It's no wonder you've been working steadily in Hollywood 429 00:18:28,537 --> 00:18:31,536 从你6岁开始。 since you were 6 years old. 430 00:18:31,537 --> 00:18:33,536 当然，当你的父母没有选择的时候，这是有帮助的 'Course, it helps when your parents aren't choosy 431 00:18:33,537 --> 00:18:35,536 关于谁触摸你的尿尿。 about who touches your pee-pee. 432 00:18:35,537 --> 00:18:37,537 笑声 [ Laughter ] 433 00:18:43,537 --> 00:18:46,537 说到丹尼斯罗德曼，我得说…… Speaking of Dennis Rodman, I got to say... 434 00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:52,536 在这里见到你真奇怪。真的是。 It's odd to see you here. It really is. 435 00:18:52,537 --> 00:18:55,536 这很奇怪。 It's just odd. 436 00:18:55,537 --> 00:18:59,917 我的意思是，如果你认识布鲁斯，你知道。 I mean, it's just if you knew Bruce, you know... 437 00:19:04,537 --> 00:19:05,536 他不喜欢黑人。 He's not fond of the blacks. 438 00:19:05,537 --> 00:19:09,536 笑声 [ Laughter ] 439 00:19:09,537 --> 00:19:12,536 你看到他不同意了吗？还是他在笑？ Do you see him disagreeing? Or is he laughing? 440 00:19:12,537 --> 00:19:15,536 笑声 [ Laughter ] 441 00:19:15,537 --> 00:19:19,536 你可能会想到像尼基格拉泽这样的名字 You might think with a name like Nikki Glaser 442 00:19:19,537 --> 00:19:21,536 她是犹太人，但她不是犹太人。 that she's Jewish, but she's not. 443 00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:24,536 你可以看出，事实上，犹太人很有趣。 You can tell, actually, because, uh, Jews are funny. 444 00:19:24,537 --> 00:19:27,836 笑声 [ Laughter ] 445 00:19:27,837 --> 00:19:31,836 尼基在自己的节目中说她喜欢肛交。 Nikki said on her own show that she enjoys anal sex -- 446 00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:32,836 她的话。 her words. 447 00:19:32,837 --> 00:19:35,836 嘿，对你有好处。 Hey, good for you. 448 00:19:35,837 --> 00:19:37,836 我的意思是，这很有道理，很明显你不吃东西。 I mean, it makes sense. Obviously you don't eat. 449 00:19:37,837 --> 00:19:40,836 所以你最好还是用那个洞做点什么吧？ So you might as well use that hole for something, huh? 450 00:19:40,837 --> 00:19:41,836 笑声 [ Laughter ] 451 00:19:41,837 --> 00:19:42,837 谢谢。 Thank you. 452 00:19:45,837 --> 00:19:46,837 那太好了。 That's so nice. 453 00:19:48,837 --> 00:19:51,836 爱德华诺顿，你，先生，太棒了， Edward Norton, you, sir, are fantastic, 454 00:19:51,837 --> 00:19:53,836 这是我一直以来的最爱之一。 one of my all-time favorites. 455 00:19:53,837 --> 00:19:57,836 老实说，你想知道艾德诺顿有多聪明吗？ Honestly. You want to know how brilliant Ed Norton is? 456 00:19:57,837 --> 00:19:58,836 问他。 Ask him. 457 00:19:58,837 --> 00:20:00,837 笑声 [ Laughter ] 458 00:20:03,837 --> 00:20:05,836 现在，在这个小时的风云人物中，布鲁斯威利斯， And now on to the man of the hour, Bruce Willis, 459 00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:06,836 我认识的人… who I've known... 460 00:20:06,837 --> 00:20:09,836 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 461 00:20:09,837 --> 00:20:11,836 我认识布鲁斯已经有很长时间了。 I've known Bruce for a very, very long time. 462 00:20:11,837 --> 00:20:14,836 我们一起拍了三部电影，其中一部并不可怕。 We've done three films together, one of them not horrible. 463 00:20:14,837 --> 00:20:18,836 我真不明白你为什么同意这么做。 I really don't understand why you agreed to do this. 464 00:20:18,837 --> 00:20:21,836 我的意思是，如果你想被羞辱， I mean, if you wanted to be humiliated, clearly, 465 00:20:21,837 --> 00:20:24,836 我们都知道你可能刚刚发行了另一张专辑。 we both know you could've just released another singing album. 466 00:20:24,837 --> 00:20:26,836 笑声 [ Laughter ] 467 00:20:26,837 --> 00:20:29,836 你们有些人可能不知道，因为他买了每一份， Some of you may not know because he bought every copy, 468 00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:32,836 但是布鲁斯在80年代发行了一个R&B唱片。 but Bruce released an R&B LP back in the '80s. 469 00:20:32,837 --> 00:20:36,836 我做了一些调查，想知道这张专辑是谁的主意。 I did some research to find out whose idea this album was. 470 00:20:36,837 --> 00:20:39,836 原来是他的经理。 Turns out it was his manager. 471 00:20:39,837 --> 00:20:41,836 而“他的经理”，我指的是可卡因。 And by "his manager," I mean cocaine. 472 00:20:41,837 --> 00:20:43,836 笑声 [ Laughter ] 473 00:20:43,837 --> 00:20:47,836 只是大量的可乐。 Just a tremendous amount of coke. 474 00:20:47,837 --> 00:20:51,837 比如，一个杰夫的可乐大小的可乐罐。 Like, a Jeff Ross-sized container of coke. 475 00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:55,836 布鲁斯，朋友，你最近做了一些很棒的工作， Bruce, pal, you've done some great work recently, 476 00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:57,836 尤其是你的微妙转折 especially your subtle turn 477 00:20:57,837 --> 00:20:59,836 在韦斯安德森的“月升王国”中。 in Wes Anderson's "Moonrise Kingdom." 478 00:20:59,837 --> 00:21:01,836 喜欢那部电影。 Loved that film. 479 00:21:01,837 --> 00:21:03,836 是的。 Yeah. 480 00:21:03,837 --> 00:21:06,836 两个五年级学生坠入爱河的故事。 The story of two fifth-graders falling in love. 481 00:21:06,837 --> 00:21:09,836 布鲁斯会爱上一个五年级的学生 Bruce would've fallen in love with a fifth-grader 482 00:21:09,837 --> 00:21:13,836 如果他在47岁的时候遇到了他现在的妻子。 if he had met his current wife way back when he was 47. 483 00:21:13,837 --> 00:21:15,837 笑声 [ Laughter ] 484 00:21:18,837 --> 00:21:21,836 我第一次见到布鲁斯是在我和他的第一任妻子工作的时候， I first met Bruce when I was working with his first wife, 485 00:21:21,837 --> 00:21:23,836 黛米摩尔，在电影“几个好男人”中。 Demi Moore, in the film "A Few Good Men." 486 00:21:23,837 --> 00:21:26,836 是的，欢呼和掌声 Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] 487 00:21:26,837 --> 00:21:28,836 我想是时候每个人都知道黛米的事了。 I think it's time everyone knew something about Demi. 488 00:21:28,837 --> 00:21:29,836 当她剃了她的头， When she shaved her head, 489 00:21:29,837 --> 00:21:32,836 她说这是为了她在电影“G.I.Jane”中的角色。 she said it was for her role in the film "G.I. Jane." 490 00:21:32,837 --> 00:21:35,836 但事实是，她剃了头 But the truth is, she shaved her head 491 00:21:35,837 --> 00:21:38,836 因为她爱她的丈夫，布鲁斯。 because she loved her husband, Bruce. 492 00:21:38,837 --> 00:21:41,836 他想要自己的脸。 And he wanted to fuck his own face. 493 00:21:41,837 --> 00:21:43,837 笑声 [ Laughter ] 494 00:21:49,837 --> 00:21:53,836 现在，布鲁斯，你的一个朋友和搭档 And now, Bruce, one of your friends and co-stars 495 00:21:53,837 --> 00:21:55,836 今晚的低俗小说不能在这里， from "Pulp Fiction" couldn't be here tonight, 496 00:21:55,837 --> 00:21:57,836 所以他们让我传递一个信息 so they've asked me to pass along a message 497 00:21:57,837 --> 00:21:58,836 克里斯托弗沃尔肯。 from Christopher Walken. 498 00:21:58,837 --> 00:22:01,836 他们把它放在这里，给我。 They've put it up here for me. Here it is. 499 00:22:01,837 --> 00:22:03,836 克里斯托弗沃尔肯，“嘿，布鲁斯。 [ As Christopher Walken ] "Hey, Bruce. 500 00:22:03,837 --> 00:22:05,836 笑声 [ Laughter ] 501 00:22:05,837 --> 00:22:08,837 对不起，我不能参加你的葬礼。 Sorry I couldn't attend your funeral. 502 00:22:13,837 --> 00:22:17,836 我确实想说，我一直都是一个粉丝， I did want to say, I've always been a fan, 503 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:22,836 尤其是你在电影“12只猴子”中的工作。 particularly your work in the film "12 Monkeys." 504 00:22:22,837 --> 00:22:28,837 当然，我很失望你没有描绘一只猴子。 Sure, I was disappointed that you did not portray a monkey. 505 00:22:30,837 --> 00:22:35,836 但是你的表现却很微妙 But you gave a beautifully nuanced performance 506 00:22:35,837 --> 00:22:39,836 让人想起猴子 reminiscent of a monkey 507 00:22:39,837 --> 00:22:41,836 谁在他的手中 who poops in his hands 508 00:22:41,837 --> 00:22:45,836 然后把它扔到你的脸上。 and then throws it in your face. 509 00:22:45,837 --> 00:22:48,836 不过，大多数时候，我想抓住这个机会 Mostly, though, I wanted to take this opportunity 510 00:22:48,837 --> 00:22:52,836 为了公开感谢你创造了我最喜欢的餐厅， to publicly thank you for creating my favorite restaurant, 511 00:22:52,837 --> 00:22:55,836 好莱坞星球。 Planet Hollywood. 512 00:22:55,837 --> 00:22:56,836 哦。 Ooh. 513 00:22:56,837 --> 00:23:01,836 如果我是诚实的，那也是我最喜欢的星球。 If I'm honest, it's also my favorite planet. 514 00:23:01,837 --> 00:23:05,836 笑声 [ Laughter ] 515 00:23:05,837 --> 00:23:08,836 谢谢你，布鲁斯威利斯， Thank you, Bruce Willis, 516 00:23:08,837 --> 00:23:14,836 因为有远见和勇气去问， for having the vision and the courage to ask, 517 00:23:14,837 --> 00:23:19,836 “嘿，谁不想吃40美元的土豆皮呢？” 'Hey, who wouldn't want to eat $40 potato skins 518 00:23:19,837 --> 00:23:22,836 在“比利巴斯特”的帽子旁边的一个小隔间里？ in a booth next to the hat from "Billy Bathgate"?'" 519 00:23:22,837 --> 00:23:25,836 笑声 [ Laughter ] 520 00:23:25,837 --> 00:23:27,837 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 521 00:23:32,467 --> 00:23:33,836 把所有的球都放在一边， [ Normal voice ] All ball-busting aside, 522 00:23:33,837 --> 00:23:35,836 你是我和我的家人的好朋友 you've been a dear pal to me and my family 523 00:23:35,837 --> 00:23:37,836 在很长一段时间里，布鲁斯，我爱你。 for a very long time, Bruce, and I love you. 524 00:23:37,837 --> 00:23:39,836 哦，我爱你，伙计。 Oh, I love you, buddy. 525 00:23:39,837 --> 00:23:41,836 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 526 00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:44,837 ♪♪ 527 00:23:45,837 --> 00:23:48,836 接下来，赛比尔谢泼德…… Coming up, Cybill Shepherd... 528 00:23:48,837 --> 00:23:51,836 我爱你，我永远都会爱你。 I love you, and I always will. 529 00:23:51,837 --> 00:23:52,926 和Lil Rel Howery。 ...and Lil Rel Howery. 530 00:23:52,927 --> 00:23:54,836 他们想让我说些刻薄的话 They want me to say really mean things 531 00:23:54,837 --> 00:23:56,836 给布鲁斯威利斯，但我不会。 to Bruce Willis, but I won't. 532 00:23:56,837 --> 00:23:59,286 当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 533 00:23:59,287 --> 00:24:00,286 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 534 00:24:00,287 --> 00:24:05,287 ♪♪ 535 00:24:07,999 --> 00:24:10,998 我们的下一个烘焙师是赛比尔谢泼德。 Our next roaster is Cybill Shepherd. 536 00:24:10,999 --> 00:24:13,698 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 537 00:24:13,699 --> 00:24:16,698 Cybill是第一个女演员 Cybill has the distinction of being the first actress 538 00:24:16,699 --> 00:24:19,698 讨厌和布鲁斯威利斯一起工作。 to hate working with Bruce Willis. 539 00:24:19,699 --> 00:24:25,698 我刚学了这个，她19岁的时候和猫王约会。 I just learned this. She dated Elvis when she was 19. 540 00:24:25,699 --> 00:24:28,698 去年，她的阴道被引入 And last year, her vagina was inducted 541 00:24:28,699 --> 00:24:31,698 进入摇滚名人堂。 into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 542 00:24:31,699 --> 00:24:33,698 请欢迎Cybill Shepherd！ Please welcome Cybill Shepherd! 543 00:24:33,699 --> 00:24:35,698 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 544 00:24:35,699 --> 00:24:43,699 ♪♪ 545 00:24:50,139 --> 00:24:54,138 我非常爱你们今晚在这里。 I love you all here tonight so much. 546 00:24:54,139 --> 00:24:58,138 我特别喜欢其中一位才华横溢的演员 And I particularly love one of the most brilliant actors 547 00:24:58,139 --> 00:25:01,138 我认识的最优秀的人，威利斯先生。 and finest men I've ever known, Mr. Willis. 548 00:25:01,139 --> 00:25:05,138 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 549 00:25:05,139 --> 00:25:06,138 谢谢你，亲爱的。 Thank you, darling. 550 00:25:06,139 --> 00:25:07,138 这是我的第一次烤肉， This is my first roast, 551 00:25:07,139 --> 00:25:10,138 我不得不说，我很震惊。 and I have to say, I'm shocked. 552 00:25:10,139 --> 00:25:11,138 哇！我今晚在这里听到了一些话 Whew! I've heard words here tonight 553 00:25:11,139 --> 00:25:15,138 我从来没有听过，像“Lil”。 that I have never heard before, like "Lil." 554 00:25:15,139 --> 00:25:18,138 笑声 [ Laughter ] 555 00:25:18,139 --> 00:25:20,138 还有"Rel" And "Rel." 556 00:25:20,139 --> 00:25:22,138 笑声 [ Laughter ] 557 00:25:22,139 --> 00:25:24,138 Lil Rel，我很高兴你来了， Lil Rel, I'm glad you're here, 558 00:25:24,139 --> 00:25:27,138 因为我一直想要道歉 because I've been meaning to apologize 559 00:25:27,139 --> 00:25:29,138 打电话给警察关于你的烧烤。 for calling the police about your barbecue. 560 00:25:29,139 --> 00:25:31,139 笑声 [ Laughter ] 561 00:25:37,139 --> 00:25:39,138 布鲁斯威利斯，我很高兴见到你。 Bruce Willis, I'm so happy to see you. 562 00:25:39,139 --> 00:25:42,138 天啊，我最后一次看到你的脸， Gosh, the last time I saw your face, 563 00:25:42,139 --> 00:25:44,138 我在加油站买电影。 I was shopping for movies at the gas station. 564 00:25:44,139 --> 00:25:47,138 笑声 [ Laughter ] 565 00:25:47,139 --> 00:25:50,138 “月光照明”被认为是第一个“dramedy”—— "Moonlighting" was considered the first "dramedy" -- 566 00:25:50,139 --> 00:25:52,138 戏剧和喜剧的混合， a mix of drama and comedy, 567 00:25:52,139 --> 00:25:54,138 这也是一种很好的描述 which is also a good way to describe 568 00:25:54,139 --> 00:25:56,138 布鲁斯的表演风格。 Bruce's acting style. 569 00:25:56,139 --> 00:25:58,139 笑声 [ Laughter ] 570 00:26:00,139 --> 00:26:04,138 当他做喜剧的时候，就像戏剧一样， When he does comedy, it seems like drama, 571 00:26:04,139 --> 00:26:08,138 当他演戏剧的时候，很搞笑。 and when he does drama, it's hilarious. 572 00:26:08,139 --> 00:26:10,138 但好莱坞不会是好莱坞 But Hollywood wouldn't be Hollywood 573 00:26:10,139 --> 00:26:13,138 如果他们不奖励一个人变老。 if they didn't reward a man for aging into mediocrity. 574 00:26:13,139 --> 00:26:15,139 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 575 00:26:19,139 --> 00:26:21,138 布鲁斯继续制作了96部电影 Bruce went on to make 96 movies 576 00:26:21,139 --> 00:26:24,138 只使用一个面部表情。 using just one facial expression. 577 00:26:24,139 --> 00:26:26,688 笑声 [ Laughter ] 578 00:26:26,689 --> 00:26:29,138 艾德诺顿，我很高兴见到你。 Ed Norton, I was so excited to meet you. 579 00:26:29,139 --> 00:26:32,138 我仍然认为你应该获得奥斯卡奖 I still think you should have won the Academy Award 580 00:26:32,139 --> 00:26:36,138 在“美国历史x”中扮演一个新纳粹分子。 for playing a Neo-Nazi in "American History X." 581 00:26:36,139 --> 00:26:37,138 是的。 Yes. 582 00:26:37,139 --> 00:26:39,138 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 583 00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:41,138 如果你今天拍了那部电影， If you had done that movie today, 584 00:26:41,139 --> 00:26:43,578 你不仅获得了奥斯卡奖， you would not only have gotten an Oscar, 585 00:26:43,579 --> 00:26:45,578 你将在白宫获得内阁职位。 you would get a cabinet position in the White House. 586 00:26:45,579 --> 00:26:48,579 笑声，欢呼和掌声 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 587 00:26:51,579 --> 00:26:54,578 我很高兴今晚能见到玛莎斯图尔特。 I'm thrilled that I got to meet Martha Stewart tonight. 588 00:26:54,579 --> 00:26:57,578 我有幸在两部独立电影中扮演玛莎。 I had the honor of playing Martha in two separate movies. 589 00:26:57,579 --> 00:27:02,578 我尽了最大努力，但我是唯一一个真正抓住玛莎斯图尔特的人 I did my best, but the only one to truly capture Martha Stewart 590 00:27:02,579 --> 00:27:03,578 是联邦调查局。 was the FBI. 591 00:27:03,579 --> 00:27:05,579 笑声 [ Laughter ] 592 00:27:09,579 --> 00:27:11,578 然后是Dom Irrera And then there's Dom Irrera 593 00:27:11,579 --> 00:27:13,578 带着他的经典意大利风韵。 bringing his classic Italian charm. 594 00:27:13,579 --> 00:27:17,578 我见到他两分钟后，他就在我身上。 Two minutes after I met him, he was hittin' on me. 595 00:27:17,579 --> 00:27:20,578 我不得不告诉他，“对不起，上次我做爱的时候 I had to tell him, "Sorry, the last time I had sex 596 00:27:20,579 --> 00:27:22,578 69岁的我18岁。” with a 69-year-old, I was 18." 597 00:27:22,579 --> 00:27:25,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 598 00:27:25,579 --> 00:27:27,578 他拥有工作室。 And he owned the studio. 599 00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:31,038 他不只是住在一个地方。 He didn't just live in one. 600 00:27:31,039 --> 00:27:33,578 我在女洗手间碰到了尼基。格拉泽。 I ran into Nikki Glaser in the ladies' room. 601 00:27:33,579 --> 00:27:37,578 我从后面看到她，她的苗条的身材和金色的头发， I saw her from behind, with her slender body and blond hair, 602 00:27:37,579 --> 00:27:40,418 我想，“她一定是个模特。” and I thought, "She must be a model." 603 00:27:40,419 --> 00:27:41,578 然后她转过身来，我想， Then she turned around, and I thought, 604 00:27:41,579 --> 00:27:43,578 “不，她是个喜剧演员。” "Nope, she's a comic." 605 00:27:43,579 --> 00:27:47,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 606 00:27:47,579 --> 00:27:50,578 我们在“月光下”的角色并没有太大的延伸。 Our characters on "Moonlighting" weren't much of a stretch. 607 00:27:50,579 --> 00:27:54,578 我以前演过一个模特，我就是。 I played a former model, which I was. 608 00:27:54,579 --> 00:27:56,578 他演了一个混蛋。 And he played an asshole... 609 00:27:56,579 --> 00:27:58,578 他是谁。 which he is. 610 00:27:58,579 --> 00:28:00,579 笑声 [ Laughter ] 611 00:28:04,579 --> 00:28:07,578 布鲁斯和我真的很喜欢对方， Bruce and I were really attracted to each other, 612 00:28:07,579 --> 00:28:09,578 但是熟悉会导致轻视， but familiarity can breed contempt, 613 00:28:09,579 --> 00:28:12,578 所以我们没有采取行动。 so we didn't act on it. 614 00:28:12,579 --> 00:28:13,578 太糟糕了。 Too bad. 615 00:28:13,579 --> 00:28:16,578 因为我们最终会互相憎恨， Because based on how much we ended up hating each other, 616 00:28:16,579 --> 00:28:19,578 性爱是难以置信的。 the sex would've been incredible. 617 00:28:19,579 --> 00:28:22,578 实际上，我们曾经有过一次做爱的机会。 We actually came very close one time to having sex. 618 00:28:22,579 --> 00:28:25,578 然后他把它抽出来，开始玩， But then he whipped it out, started playing with it, 619 00:28:25,579 --> 00:28:28,578 毁了一切。 and ruined everything. 620 00:28:28,579 --> 00:28:30,578 我说的是你的口琴！ I'm talking about your harmonica! 621 00:28:30,579 --> 00:28:33,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 622 00:28:33,579 --> 00:28:35,578 不幸的是，星星从来没有为我们排列， Sadly, the stars never aligned for us, 623 00:28:35,579 --> 00:28:39,578 这是永远不会发生的一个明显的原因—— and it's never gonna happen now for one obvious reason -- 624 00:28:39,579 --> 00:28:42,578 你对我来说太老了。 You are way too old for me. 625 00:28:42,579 --> 00:28:44,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 626 00:28:44,579 --> 00:28:46,578 当然，我们的关系是不稳定的 Sure, our relationship was volatile 627 00:28:46,579 --> 00:28:47,578 有时是爆炸性的， and sometimes explosive, 628 00:28:47,579 --> 00:28:51,578 但最终，这是成功的完美公式。 but in the end, it was the perfect formula for success. 629 00:28:51,579 --> 00:28:53,578 我知道我们已经30年没谈过了， I know we haven't had a conversation in 30 years, 630 00:28:53,579 --> 00:28:57,578 但我们总会有更重要的东西—— but we'll always have something more important -- 631 00:28:57,579 --> 00:28:59,578 残差。 residuals. 632 00:28:59,579 --> 00:29:01,578 晚安，谢谢。 Good night. Thank you. 633 00:29:01,579 --> 00:29:03,578 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 634 00:29:03,579 --> 00:29:08,578 ♪♪ 635 00:29:08,579 --> 00:29:11,578 -我爱你。-谢谢你。 - I love you. - Thank you so much. 636 00:29:11,579 --> 00:29:12,578 戈登-莱维特：好吧。 Gordon-Levitt: All right. 637 00:29:12,579 --> 00:29:14,578 他在“滚出去”中提供了喜剧救济。 He provided the comic relief in "Get Out," 638 00:29:14,579 --> 00:29:16,578 但别指望今晚会这样。 but don't expect that tonight. 639 00:29:16,579 --> 00:29:17,578 请欢迎Lil Rel。 Please welcome Lil Rel. 640 00:29:17,579 --> 00:29:19,578 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 641 00:29:19,579 --> 00:29:26,579 ♪♪ 642 00:29:28,579 --> 00:29:32,578 哦，狗屎。我在这里做什么？ Oh, shit. What am I doing here? 643 00:29:32,579 --> 00:29:34,578 我不认识这里的那些老白人。 I don't know any of these old-ass white people up here. 644 00:29:34,579 --> 00:29:37,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 645 00:29:37,579 --> 00:29:40,578 和“年轻的和不安的”的演员们一起。 Along with the cast of "Young and the Restless." 646 00:29:40,579 --> 00:29:42,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 647 00:29:42,579 --> 00:29:45,578 笑 [ Laughs ] 648 00:29:45,579 --> 00:29:48,578 布鲁斯，你和其他黑人喜剧演员一起拍过电影。 Bruce, you've done movies with other black comedians. 649 00:29:48,579 --> 00:29:50,578 你为什么要问一个从来没跟你做过屁事的人？ Why did you ask somebody who ain't never did shit with you? 650 00:29:50,579 --> 00:29:53,578 我不明白。 I don't get that. 651 00:29:53,579 --> 00:29:55,578 你和克里斯塔克，特蕾西摩根。 You with Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan. 652 00:29:55,579 --> 00:29:57,578 天哪，这太可悲了。 God damn, this is sad. 653 00:29:57,579 --> 00:29:59,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 654 00:29:59,579 --> 00:30:02,578 我的意思是，你有一个豪华轿车司机“死硬”，阿格尔， I mean, you had a limo driver in "Die Hard," Argyle, 655 00:30:02,579 --> 00:30:04,578 他甚至不在这里，他—— and he's not even here and he -- 656 00:30:04,579 --> 00:30:05,578 我不知道他在做什么。 I don't know what the fuck he doin'. 657 00:30:05,579 --> 00:30:07,578 他需要这大便。 He need this shit. 658 00:30:07,579 --> 00:30:11,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 659 00:30:11,579 --> 00:30:14,578 你这里没有菱形，你他妈的怎么了？ You don't got Argyle here. What the fuck? 660 00:30:14,579 --> 00:30:16,578 呃，很有趣的是， Uh, it's funny to see, like, 661 00:30:16,579 --> 00:30:18,578 杰夫罗斯和布鲁斯威利斯在这里。 Jeff Ross and Bruce Willis up here. 662 00:30:18,579 --> 00:30:21,578 你们两个秃头的白人母亲 Y'all two bald white motherfuckers 663 00:30:21,579 --> 00:30:23,578 你看起来很疯狂。 look crazy as fuck. 664 00:30:23,579 --> 00:30:24,578 你们俩看起来都像 Like, both of y'all look like 665 00:30:24,579 --> 00:30:26,578 你处于两个不同的癌症阶段。 you're on two different stages of cancer. 666 00:30:26,579 --> 00:30:30,578 观众叹息 [ Audience groans ] 667 00:30:30,579 --> 00:30:32,578 你们都知道。 Y'all really do. 668 00:30:32,579 --> 00:30:35,578 我很抱歉，你看起来很糟糕。 I'm sorry. Look fucked up. 669 00:30:35,579 --> 00:30:37,578 我们有丹尼斯罗德曼，我不想谈这个， We got Dennis Rodman here, which I don't wanna talk about, 670 00:30:37,579 --> 00:30:38,578 因为这里只有两个兄弟。 'cause there's only two brothers here. 671 00:30:38,579 --> 00:30:40,578 但我尊重丹尼斯罗德曼。 But I respect Dennis Rodman. 672 00:30:40,579 --> 00:30:41,578 我来自芝加哥。你知道我的意思吗？ I'm from Chicago. You know what I mean? 673 00:30:41,579 --> 00:30:43,578 他赢得了公牛三次总冠军。 He won three championship with the Bulls. 674 00:30:43,579 --> 00:30:45,578 群众欢呼 [ Crowd cheering ] 675 00:30:45,579 --> 00:30:47,578 我的意思是，他做了很多关于毒品的事。 I mean, he did a lot of dope shit. 676 00:30:47,579 --> 00:30:48,578 伙计，他又回来了。 Man, he rebounded. 677 00:30:48,579 --> 00:30:50,578 他——他每隔一段时间就会吃三次。 He -- He would take a three every once in a while. 678 00:30:50,579 --> 00:30:52,579 他会踢那个该死的裁判。 He'd kick the fuckin' referee. 679 00:30:54,579 --> 00:30:56,578 他，就像在其他球员身上一样。 He, like, jag off other players. 680 00:30:56,579 --> 00:30:58,578 很多奇怪的东西。 A lot of weird shit. 681 00:30:58,579 --> 00:31:01,578 这个混蛋穿了一件结婚礼服 This motherfucker wore a wedding dress 682 00:31:01,579 --> 00:31:03,578 在一本杂志的封面上。 and was on the cover of a magazine. 683 00:31:03,579 --> 00:31:06,579 那该死的东西从链子上掉下来了。 That shit is fuckin' off the chain. 684 00:31:08,579 --> 00:31:09,578 就是这样，我没有开玩笑。 That's it. I ain't got no jokes. 685 00:31:09,579 --> 00:31:11,578 我刚刚提到他的“他妈的……” I just mentioned his fuckin'... 686 00:31:11,579 --> 00:31:13,579 笑 [ Laughs ] 687 00:31:15,709 --> 00:31:18,578 看，布鲁斯威利斯是一个传奇人物，伙计。 Look, Bruce Willis is a fuckin' legend, man. 688 00:31:18,579 --> 00:31:20,578 你知道，你有一句名言：“yip尿ki-yay，混蛋，” You know, you had a famous line, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker," 689 00:31:20,579 --> 00:31:23,578 我认为这是最伟大的标签之一 which I think is one of the greatest tag lines 690 00:31:23,579 --> 00:31:24,578 在电影的历史中。 in movie fuckin' history. 691 00:31:24,579 --> 00:31:27,578 确实如此。 It really is. 692 00:31:27,579 --> 00:31:29,578 这就是为什么他给我的时候我很开心 Which is why, like, I was happy when he gave me 693 00:31:29,579 --> 00:31:32,578 “T-S-motherfuckin'a。” "T-S-motherfuckin'-A." 694 00:31:32,579 --> 00:31:34,578 那该死的东西是你说的， That shit was motivated from you for saying, 695 00:31:34,579 --> 00:31:36,578 “我的小丫头，妈的。” "Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker." 696 00:31:36,579 --> 00:31:38,578 是的，确实如此。 Yeah, and it was. 697 00:31:38,579 --> 00:31:40,578 我只想说，伙计——我是你的超级粉丝。 I want to just say this, man -- I'm a big fan of you. 698 00:31:40,579 --> 00:31:43,578 我希望有一天我们能拍一部电影。 I hope we do a movie someday. 699 00:31:43,579 --> 00:31:45,578 我的意思是，我知道你在寻找——我的意思是，让我们看看。 I mean, I know you lookin' for -- I mean, let's see. 700 00:31:45,579 --> 00:31:48,578 1 2 3，你还得和另一个黑人做一个。 1, 2, 3. You got to do one more with another black dude. 701 00:31:48,579 --> 00:31:50,578 让它成为我。 Let it be me. 702 00:31:50,579 --> 00:31:51,578 你已经有克里斯塔克了。 You already had Chris Tucker. 703 00:31:51,579 --> 00:31:53,578 你是特蕾西摩根，阿格尔，卡尔温斯洛。 You did Tracy Morgan, Argyle, Carl Winslow. 704 00:31:53,579 --> 00:31:54,918 我不知道谁是真正的名字， I don't know nobody real names, 705 00:31:54,919 --> 00:31:57,578 只知道他们的名字和狗屎。 only know their character names and shit. 706 00:31:57,579 --> 00:31:59,578 笑 [ Laughs ] 707 00:31:59,579 --> 00:32:01,578 嘿，看，我们得停止这些“死硬”，兄弟。 Hey, look, we got to stop with these "Die Hards," bro. 708 00:32:01,579 --> 00:32:05,578 就像，这种狗屎变得很奇怪。 Like, this shit is getting fuckin' weird. 709 00:32:05,579 --> 00:32:07,578 我很困惑你到底是哪一个孩子。 It is. I'm confused about which kid you got. 710 00:32:07,579 --> 00:32:08,578 比如，女儿在一处失踪， Like, the daughter be missing in one, 711 00:32:08,579 --> 00:32:10,578 然后儿子就不见了。 and then the son be missing in one. 712 00:32:10,579 --> 00:32:12,578 我们从来没见过你的孩子们在一起。 We never see your kids to-fuckin'-gether. 713 00:32:12,579 --> 00:32:14,578 老实说，你应该把你的名字改成约翰麦克莱恩。 Honestly, you should change your name to John McClane. 714 00:32:14,579 --> 00:32:16,578 你知道我的意思吗？我很困惑。 You know what I mean? Like, I'm fuckin' confused. 715 00:32:16,579 --> 00:32:17,578 你有多少个孩子？ How many fuckin' kids you got? 716 00:32:17,579 --> 00:32:19,578 看，这就是我的建议。 So look, this is what I suggest. 717 00:32:19,579 --> 00:32:22,708 下一个“死硬”，你让我进去。 Next "Die Hard," you put me in it. 718 00:32:22,709 --> 00:32:24,578 我来扮演你的儿子，好吗？ I'll play your son, all right? 719 00:32:24,579 --> 00:32:27,578 笑声 [ Laughter ] 720 00:32:27,579 --> 00:32:29,579 你从非洲收养我。 You adopted me from Africa. 721 00:32:33,879 --> 00:32:34,878 我真的是在推销这种东西，希望你们都能听进去。 I'm really pitching this shit. I hope y'all listenin'. 722 00:32:34,879 --> 00:32:36,878 这里有代理。 There's agents in here. 723 00:32:36,879 --> 00:32:39,878 你从非洲收养我， You adopt me from Africa, 724 00:32:39,879 --> 00:32:41,878 我们去了芝加哥的西边，对， and we go to the West Side of Chicago, right, 725 00:32:41,879 --> 00:32:43,878 我们一起打击犯罪。 and we fight crime together. 726 00:32:43,879 --> 00:32:46,878 你误打我， And you shoot me by mistake, 727 00:32:46,879 --> 00:32:48,878 这就开始了整个“死硬”的专营权。 and that starts the whole "Die Hard" franchise. 728 00:32:48,879 --> 00:32:49,878 我们再也不用看那该死的东西了， We'll never have to see that shit again, 729 00:32:49,879 --> 00:32:51,878 因为约翰麦克莱恩在监狱 'cause John McClane is in jail 730 00:32:51,879 --> 00:32:55,878 因为他射杀了一个无辜的黑人。 for shooting an innocent black man that he adopted. 731 00:32:55,879 --> 00:32:57,878 笑 [ Laughs ] 732 00:32:57,879 --> 00:32:59,878 但说真的，布鲁斯威利斯，谢谢你邀请我，伙计。 But seriously, Bruce Willis, thank you for having me, man. 733 00:32:59,879 --> 00:33:01,878 你是——我不知道。 You are so -- I don't know. 734 00:33:01,879 --> 00:33:02,878 你喜欢——我不想给你打电话—— You like -- I don't want to call you, like -- 735 00:33:02,879 --> 00:33:04,878 就像，我的偶像，但你有点像，兄弟。 like, my idol, but you kind of are, brother. 736 00:33:04,879 --> 00:33:06,878 比如，你拍了一些电影 Like, you made some movies that -- 737 00:33:06,879 --> 00:33:07,878 这让我们所有人都想去看电影和狗屎。 that made all of us want to be in movies and shit. 738 00:33:07,879 --> 00:33:09,878 非常感谢你邀请我，伙计。 So thank you so much for having me, man. 739 00:33:09,879 --> 00:33:10,878 我为你感到骄傲，伙计。 I'm proud of you, man. 740 00:33:10,879 --> 00:33:13,879 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 741 00:33:15,879 --> 00:33:17,878 上来吧，玛莎斯图尔特。 Coming up, Martha Stewart... 742 00:33:17,879 --> 00:33:18,878 万岁。 Hurray. 743 00:33:18,879 --> 00:33:19,878 爱德华诺顿。 ...Edward Norton. 744 00:33:19,879 --> 00:33:21,878 布鲁斯，你知道我知道很多事情 Bruce, you know that I know a lot of things 745 00:33:21,879 --> 00:33:23,878 你不想让我知道。 that you don't want me to know. 746 00:33:23,879 --> 00:33:26,879 当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 747 00:33:28,879 --> 00:33:30,878 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 748 00:33:30,879 --> 00:33:32,648 ♪♪ 749 00:33:32,649 --> 00:33:34,368 好吧！ All right! 750 00:33:34,369 --> 00:33:36,368 我是我们下一个烘焙师的超级粉丝。 I am a huge fan of our next roaster. 751 00:33:36,369 --> 00:33:39,368 爱德华诺顿，女士们，先生们。 Edward Norton, ladies and gentlemen. 752 00:33:39,369 --> 00:33:41,658 欢呼和掌声是。 [ Cheers and applause ] Yes. 753 00:33:41,659 --> 00:33:44,658 他在电影"原始恐惧"中非常出色 He's fantastic in movies like "Primal Fear," 754 00:33:44,659 --> 00:33:46,658 “搏击俱乐部”，“鸟人” "Fight Club," "Birdman," 755 00:33:46,659 --> 00:33:49,658 谁能忘记爱德华诺顿 and who could forget Edward Norton 756 00:33:49,659 --> 00:33:51,658 像绿巨人一样？ as the Incredible Hulk? 757 00:33:51,659 --> 00:33:53,658 复仇者联盟，那是谁。 "The Avengers" franchise, that's who. 758 00:33:53,659 --> 00:33:56,658 笑声 [ Laughter ] 759 00:33:56,659 --> 00:33:58,658 好吧，让我们给爱德华诺顿一个掌声。 Well, let's give Edward Norton a round of applause. 760 00:33:58,659 --> 00:34:00,658 我知道马克鲁法洛每天晚上都在做。 I know Mark Ruffalo does every night. 761 00:34:00,659 --> 00:34:02,788 请欢迎爱德华诺顿。 Please welcome Edward Norton. 762 00:34:02,789 --> 00:34:05,658 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 763 00:34:05,659 --> 00:34:11,658 ♪♪ 764 00:34:11,659 --> 00:34:12,658 谢谢。 Thank you. 765 00:34:12,659 --> 00:34:17,658 布鲁斯，呃，在这里为你在喜剧中心的演出 Bruce, uh, slumming it here on your behalf at Comedy Central 766 00:34:17,659 --> 00:34:20,658 我不会为很多人做的事。 is, um, not something I would do for many people. 767 00:34:20,659 --> 00:34:23,618 但是，嗯，我欠你一个大的， But, um, I owe you big, 768 00:34:23,619 --> 00:34:24,658 你知道我在说什么， and you know what I'm talking about, 769 00:34:24,659 --> 00:34:26,658 但我想说的是，这让我们完全平方。 but I would say this puts us totally square. 770 00:34:26,659 --> 00:34:30,658 事实上，我想今晚之后可能会回到你的身边，是吗？ In fact, I think probably it's back on you after tonight, yeah? 771 00:34:30,659 --> 00:34:31,658 好的。 Okay. 772 00:34:31,659 --> 00:34:33,658 很高兴来到这里 It is, uh, a pleasure to be here 773 00:34:33,659 --> 00:34:37,658 把叉子插在我的朋友布鲁斯威利斯。 to stick a fork in my pal Bruce Willis. 774 00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:39,658 嗯，我不是—— Um, I'm not really a -- 775 00:34:39,659 --> 00:34:42,658 比如，像杰夫罗斯这样的小众喜剧演员， like, a niche takedown comic like Jeff Ross or -- 776 00:34:42,659 --> 00:34:47,659 或者像约瑟夫戈登-莱维特那样的三名字的成功，但是…… or a three-name suck-up like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but... 777 00:34:49,659 --> 00:34:51,658 我在这里做一些我认为可能只有我能做的事情 I'm here to do something I think maybe only I can do 778 00:34:51,659 --> 00:34:55,658 作为一个以性格分析为职业的人。 as someone who has made a career out of character analysis. 779 00:34:55,659 --> 00:34:58,658 我在这里做一个深入的解剖 I am here to do a deep dissection 780 00:34:58,659 --> 00:35:01,658 来自新泽西的酒保 of how the fucking bartender from New Jersey 781 00:35:01,659 --> 00:35:04,658 成为了一个全球电影明星的大标题。 became such a big titty of a global movie star. 782 00:35:04,659 --> 00:35:06,659 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 783 00:35:09,659 --> 00:35:14,658 因为我觉得，如果我没有分散自己的注意力 Because I feel -- I feel if I had not distracted myself 784 00:35:14,659 --> 00:35:17,078 痴迷于德尼罗和霍夫曼这样的人 with obsession on the likes of De Niro and Hoffman 785 00:35:17,079 --> 00:35:19,659 还有丹尼尔戴-刘易斯。 and Daniel Day-Lewis... 786 00:35:21,659 --> 00:35:23,658 事情可能会有很大的不同。 ...things might have been very different. 787 00:35:23,659 --> 00:35:27,498 我现在要意识到，在中年， I'm now coming to realize in middle age, um, 788 00:35:27,499 --> 00:35:31,658 如果我破解了你是如何成为电影明星的秘密， if I had cracked the mystery of how you became a movie star, 789 00:35:31,659 --> 00:35:37,658 也许还有时间让我变得更像你。 then maybe there still might be time for me to be more like you. 790 00:35:37,659 --> 00:35:40,658 我的意思是，如果我最终安定下来 I mean, if I -- if I end up settling 791 00:35:40,659 --> 00:35:42,658 获得三项奥斯卡奖提名和—— for three Academy Award nods and the -- 792 00:35:42,659 --> 00:35:44,658 观众和评论家的尊重 the respect of audiences and critics 793 00:35:44,659 --> 00:35:47,658 而我的同事们，我将—— and my peers globally, I'll -- I'll -- 794 00:35:47,659 --> 00:35:48,658 我会找到一种快乐的方式。 I'll find a way to be happy about it. 795 00:35:48,659 --> 00:35:50,658 但它的冷酷事实—— But the cold truth of it -- 796 00:35:50,659 --> 00:35:52,658 这个冷酷的事实是，好的评论 the cold truth of it is that good reviews 797 00:35:52,659 --> 00:35:55,658 在纽约客和奥斯卡提名中—— in The New Yorker and Oscar nominations that -- 798 00:35:55,659 --> 00:35:56,658 你输给了他 that you lose to the fucking 799 00:35:56,659 --> 00:35:59,658 农民保险推销员J.K.西蒙斯。 Farmer's Insurance pitchman J.K. Simmons... 800 00:35:59,659 --> 00:36:01,659 笑声 [ Laughter ] 801 00:36:03,659 --> 00:36:06,658 他们没有——那些东西很好， They don't -- Those things are great, 802 00:36:06,659 --> 00:36:10,658 但是他们不会给你买半个爱达荷州的，是吗？ but they don't buy you half of fucking Idaho, do they? 803 00:36:10,659 --> 00:36:12,658 不，他们没有。 No, they do not. 804 00:36:12,659 --> 00:36:13,658 他们没有。 They do not. 805 00:36:13,659 --> 00:36:16,658 并不是我嫉妒，而是，耶稣， It's not that I'm jealous, but, Jesus, 806 00:36:16,659 --> 00:36:18,658 你把一切都带走了。 you get away with everything. 807 00:36:18,659 --> 00:36:22,658 我的意思是，我能竖起我的眼睛说一些神秘的东西 I mean, can I cock my eye and say some cryptic shit 808 00:36:22,659 --> 00:36:24,658 这个房间里没有一个人能理解 that literally not one person in the room understands 809 00:36:24,659 --> 00:36:27,658 大家都笑了吗？ and have everyone laugh their asses off? 810 00:36:27,659 --> 00:36:28,658 我不能。 I cannot. 811 00:36:28,659 --> 00:36:30,658 你认为我是——你认为我—— You think I'm -- You think I'm -- 812 00:36:30,659 --> 00:36:31,658 你在笑，因为你以为我在开一个玩笑。 You're laughing 'cause you think I'm making a joke. 813 00:36:31,659 --> 00:36:33,658 我和布鲁斯坐在酒吧里 I was sitting in a bar with Bruce 814 00:36:33,659 --> 00:36:35,658 我问他是否喜欢我给他的剧本， and I asked him if he liked the script I'd sent him, 815 00:36:35,659 --> 00:36:38,658 他说，“试着维持婚姻 and he says, "Try keeping a marriage together 816 00:36:38,659 --> 00:36:40,658 当22还在菜单上的时候。” when 22 is still on the menu." 817 00:36:40,659 --> 00:36:42,659 笑声 [ Laughter ] 818 00:36:44,659 --> 00:36:47,708 这是什么意思？ What the fuck does that mean? 819 00:36:47,709 --> 00:36:50,658 我的意思是，我知道这是什么意思，但为什么要这么说呢？ I mean, I know what it means, but why say it to that? 820 00:36:50,659 --> 00:36:51,658 我…… I... 821 00:36:51,659 --> 00:36:53,658 但是我从我的酒吧里笑了出来。 But I fell off my barstool laughing. 822 00:36:53,659 --> 00:36:56,658 我不知道为什么。 I had no idea why. 823 00:36:56,659 --> 00:36:57,658 我仍然不知道他对剧本的看法， I still don't know what he thought of the script, 824 00:36:57,659 --> 00:37:01,658 我们已经完成了电影的制作。 and we're done making the movie. 825 00:37:01,659 --> 00:37:03,659 我想他没读过。 I don't think he's read it. 826 00:37:05,659 --> 00:37:07,658 我能表现得那么怪异，让人们爱我吗？ Can I act that weird and have people love me? 827 00:37:07,659 --> 00:37:08,659 我不能。 I cannot. 828 00:37:11,659 --> 00:37:13,658 我能不能说， Can I -- Can I say things like, 829 00:37:13,659 --> 00:37:18,658 “metoo运动正在破坏自然的性动态，” "The #MeToo movement is ruining natural sexual dynamics," 830 00:37:18,659 --> 00:37:21,658 当我戴着一顶“让美国再次伟大”的帽子时 while I'm wearing a "Make American Great Again" hat 831 00:37:21,659 --> 00:37:23,828 然后去炸掉一架墨西哥的直升机 and then go blow up a helicopter of Mexican extras 832 00:37:23,829 --> 00:37:25,658 装扮成中东恐怖分子， dressed up as Middle Eastern terrorists, 833 00:37:25,659 --> 00:37:27,658 把它叫做两家， call that a twofer, 834 00:37:27,659 --> 00:37:29,658 仍然有一群自由的好莱坞高管 and still have a bunch of liberal Hollywood executives 835 00:37:29,659 --> 00:37:30,658 第二天早上打电话给我的经纪人 call my agent the next morning 836 00:37:30,659 --> 00:37:35,658 说他们想加入爱德华诺顿公司？ and say they want to be in the Edward Norton business? 837 00:37:35,659 --> 00:37:38,658 我绝对不能。 I most definitely cannot. 838 00:37:38,659 --> 00:37:42,658 我希望我像你一样是特弗隆，但是，再一次， I wish I was Teflon like you, but, then again, 839 00:37:42,659 --> 00:37:44,658 我确实喜欢我的孩子们不为我感到尴尬。 I do like my kids not being embarrassed by me. 840 00:37:44,659 --> 00:37:47,659 笑声 [ Laughter ] 841 00:37:49,659 --> 00:37:52,658 但是说真的，我能不能离开一部电影 But seriously, could I ever leave a movie set 842 00:37:52,659 --> 00:37:53,658 在我的特写镜头结束后 after my close-ups are done 843 00:37:53,659 --> 00:37:55,658 让我的每一个合作伙伴离开 and leave every one of my co-stars 844 00:37:55,659 --> 00:37:57,658 在过去的30年里 for the last 30 years to act their scenes 845 00:37:57,659 --> 00:38:01,658 看着一个带着红色“X”的c形支架， looking at a C-stand with a red "X" taped to it, 846 00:38:01,659 --> 00:38:03,658 听着这位60岁的脚本女孩 listening to the 60-year-old script girl 847 00:38:03,659 --> 00:38:06,658 读约翰麦克莱恩的台词 reading the John McClane lines to them 848 00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:10,658 还有像昆汀塔伦蒂诺这样的导演给我打电话吗？ and still have directors like Quentin Tarantino call me? 849 00:38:10,659 --> 00:38:14,659 不，我他妈的把我的屁股给干了。昆汀从来不给我打电话。 No, I act my fucking ass off. Quentin never calls me. 850 00:38:16,659 --> 00:38:18,658 你知道我不会为这个机会付出什么 You know what I wouldn't give for the opportunity 851 00:38:18,659 --> 00:38:19,658 为了告诉那个混蛋， to tell that prick, 852 00:38:19,659 --> 00:38:22,659 "今晚我要重写这篇文章" "I'm gonna rewrite this piece of shit tonight." 853 00:38:28,659 --> 00:38:32,658 顺便说一下，当韦斯安德森给他打电话的时候—— By the way -- By the way, when Wes Anderson calls him -- 854 00:38:32,659 --> 00:38:35,658 他和我一起做“月升王国”，这是真的。 He and I do "Moonrise Kingdom" together, and this is true. 855 00:38:35,659 --> 00:38:38,658 所有的演员都呆在一个小房子里。 Everyone in the cast stayed in a little house together. 856 00:38:38,659 --> 00:38:40,658 我们做了自己的服装和化妆。 We did our own costumes and makeup. 857 00:38:40,659 --> 00:38:41,658 我们自己做了头发， We did our own hair, 858 00:38:41,659 --> 00:38:43,658 我们一起开了一辆小货车来省钱， and we went to set in a van together to save money, 859 00:38:43,659 --> 00:38:46,658 即使是比尔默里，也不是布鲁斯福克的威利斯。 even Bill Murray, but not Bruce fuckin' Willis. 860 00:38:46,659 --> 00:38:48,658 笑声 [ Laughter ] 861 00:38:48,659 --> 00:38:52,659 他像老板一样，在隔壁租了卡内基大厦。 He rented the Carnegie Mansion next door like a boss. 862 00:38:54,659 --> 00:38:56,658 当韦斯说，“你认为布鲁斯明白吗？” When Wes said, "Do you think Bruce understands 863 00:38:56,659 --> 00:38:57,658 我真的希望它是这样的 that I really want this to be like 864 00:38:57,659 --> 00:38:59,658 一个剧团的剧团？” a-a repertory theater troupe?" 865 00:38:59,659 --> 00:39:01,658 我说，“闭嘴，你这个长毛的小猫咪。” I said, "Shut the fuck up, you long-haired pussy. 866 00:39:01,659 --> 00:39:03,658 那是一个他妈的电影明星。” That's a fuckin' movie star." 867 00:39:03,659 --> 00:39:05,659 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 868 00:39:10,659 --> 00:39:12,658 这是不公平的，这是不公平的。 It's not fair. It's not fair. 869 00:39:12,659 --> 00:39:14,658 我得到了称赞，但我—— I got acclaim, but I -- 870 00:39:14,659 --> 00:39:18,658 我不能像他那样拉大牌明星的力量，说， I can't pull big-cock movie-star power moves like him and say, 871 00:39:18,659 --> 00:39:21,658 “去他妈的售票处，去他妈的流媒体服务。” "Fuck the box office and fuck streaming services. 872 00:39:21,659 --> 00:39:23,658 除非他们直接去看DVD，否则我不会再拍电影了。” I'm not making any more movies unless they go straight to DVD." 873 00:39:23,659 --> 00:39:26,658 笑声 [ Laughter ] 874 00:39:26,659 --> 00:39:30,658 把它放在上面，比如说，五年之后？ And keep that up for, like, what, five years now? 875 00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:33,658 不可能，如果我把它拉出来，我的屁股就会在寒冷的天气里， No way. If I pulled that, my ass would be out in the cold, 876 00:39:33,659 --> 00:39:35,658 他们会称约瑟夫为“三个名字”莱维特 and they'd be calling Joseph "Three Name" Levitt 877 00:39:35,659 --> 00:39:36,658 “搏击俱乐部2”。 for "Fight Club 2." 878 00:39:36,659 --> 00:39:39,918 笑声 [ Laughter ] 879 00:39:39,919 --> 00:39:42,658 我不能做"哈德逊鹰"然后再继续工作 I couldn't make "Hudson Hawk" and literally work ever again 880 00:39:42,659 --> 00:39:45,658 只在一天之内。 for a single day. 881 00:39:45,659 --> 00:39:48,658 从来没有。没有人能活下来。 Never. No one else would've survived that. 882 00:39:48,659 --> 00:39:50,658 你成功了。 You thrived. 883 00:39:50,659 --> 00:39:52,658 为什么？为什么？为什么？ Why is this? Why? Why? 884 00:39:52,659 --> 00:39:55,658 我们必须弄清楚。 We have to figure it out. 885 00:39:55,659 --> 00:39:58,658 这是你的训练吗？不是。 Was it your training? No. 886 00:39:58,659 --> 00:40:01,658 你没有去参加糖果表演课的训练课。 You didn't go to candy-ass acting class for training. 887 00:40:01,659 --> 00:40:03,658 你做了成堆的可卡因和小酒吧 You did mounds of cocaine and tended bar 888 00:40:03,659 --> 00:40:06,658 和你的男芭蕾舞演员史蒂夫。Eads和… with your male ballerina pal Steve Eads and... 889 00:40:06,659 --> 00:40:09,658 观众欢呼 [ Audience cheers ] 890 00:40:09,659 --> 00:40:12,658 我的意思是，不管怎样，表演学校有什么好处，你知道吗？ I mean, what -- what good is acting school, anyway, you know? 891 00:40:12,659 --> 00:40:13,658 我的意思是。 I mean... 892 00:40:13,659 --> 00:40:15,658 我想也许是你的名字。 I think maybe -- maybe it's your name. 893 00:40:15,659 --> 00:40:16,658 布鲁斯威利斯，砰的一声。 Bruce Willis. It pops. 894 00:40:16,659 --> 00:40:18,658 它只是一个动作英雄。 It's just an action hero. 895 00:40:18,659 --> 00:40:20,658 我的仍然让人们想起艾迪墨菲 Mine still makes people think of Eddie Murphy 896 00:40:20,659 --> 00:40:22,658 对卡尼进行了多处性的描述。 sodomizing Art Carney. 897 00:40:22,659 --> 00:40:25,658 笑声 [ Laughter ] 898 00:40:25,659 --> 00:40:27,658 我不知道，也许是——我试着挑战自己。 I don't know. Maybe it's -- I try to challenge myself. 899 00:40:27,659 --> 00:40:31,658 我寻找的是那些能让我变得更有弹性的角色， I look for roles that stretch me and are different, 900 00:40:31,659 --> 00:40:34,658 而你的表现却始终如一。 whereas you deliver consistently the same performance. 901 00:40:34,659 --> 00:40:38,659 我的意思是，就像，每一次都是一样的。 And I mean, like, the same one every fucking time. 902 00:40:41,659 --> 00:40:43,658 也许是剧本。 Maybe it's the script. 903 00:40:43,659 --> 00:40:46,658 我必须把你们的关系和剧本联系起来。 I have to adopt your relationship to the script. 904 00:40:46,659 --> 00:40:47,658 我试着像你一样。 I tried to be like you. 905 00:40:47,659 --> 00:40:49,658 我拍了一部叫做"无敌浩克"的大动作电影。 I did a big action movie called "The Incredible Hulk." 906 00:40:49,659 --> 00:40:53,658 你知道哪里出错了吗？我想要一个更好的剧本。 You know what went wrong? I wanted a better script. 907 00:40:53,659 --> 00:40:55,658 我想也许我们应该试着制作一部漫威电影 I thought maybe we should try to make one Marvel movie 908 00:40:55,659 --> 00:40:58,658 这至少和最糟糕的克里斯诺兰的电影一样好， that was at least as good as the worst Chris Nolan movie, 909 00:40:58,659 --> 00:41:00,659 但我到底在想什么呢？ but what the hell was I thinking? 910 00:41:02,659 --> 00:41:06,658 布鲁斯威利斯最不希望看到的是一个更好的剧本。 The last thing Bruce Willis would demand is a better script. 911 00:41:06,659 --> 00:41:08,658 我真是个白痴。 I'm such an idiot. 912 00:41:08,659 --> 00:41:10,658 笑声 [ Laughter ] 913 00:41:10,659 --> 00:41:13,458 他的前三部电影的剧本都是在你的额头上画的， The script of his last three films was crinkle your forehead, 914 00:41:13,459 --> 00:41:16,458 说简短的，令人难忘的妙语，不超过四个字， say short, memorable quip, no more than four words, 915 00:41:16,459 --> 00:41:17,458 开枪，鸭子，重复，最后。 shoot the gun, duck, repeat, the end. 916 00:41:17,459 --> 00:41:21,458 它有半页长。 It's a half a page long. 917 00:41:21,459 --> 00:41:24,918 在去片场的路上，你可以在车里学到你的台词。 You could learn your lines in the car on the way to the set. 918 00:41:24,919 --> 00:41:27,458 你没有，但你可以。 You don't, but you could. 919 00:41:27,459 --> 00:41:29,459 笑声 [ Laughter ] 920 00:41:30,459 --> 00:41:32,458 他没有时间排队。 He doesn't have time for lines. 921 00:41:32,459 --> 00:41:33,458 他得把事情搞砸了。 He has to blow shit up. 922 00:41:33,459 --> 00:41:35,458 我真笨。 I'm so stupid. 923 00:41:35,459 --> 00:41:36,458 我所有的决定都是错的。 All my decisions have been wrong. 924 00:41:36,459 --> 00:41:38,458 我必须开始使用脚本 I have to start going for scripts 925 00:41:38,459 --> 00:41:39,458 那是又短又蠢的， that are short and dumb, 926 00:41:39,459 --> 00:41:43,459 充满了咕哝声，很容易被称为波斯尼亚市场。 full of grunts, easily dubbed for the Bosnian market. 927 00:41:46,459 --> 00:41:48,458 然后我就可以得到一个，一个加勒比海岛屿， And then I could get a G-5, a Caribbean island, 928 00:41:48,459 --> 00:41:50,458 七个女儿，三个不同的女人—— seven daughters by three different women -- 929 00:41:50,459 --> 00:41:52,459 我知道的。 that I know of. 930 00:41:56,459 --> 00:42:00,458 但在一天结束的时候，我开始思考，实际上， At the end of the day, though, I've come to think, actually, 931 00:42:00,459 --> 00:42:03,458 这可能只是你的脑袋—— it might just be all about your head -- 932 00:42:03,459 --> 00:42:06,458 你那令人难以置信的光头。 your incredible bald head. 933 00:42:06,459 --> 00:42:08,458 坦白地说，我—— And, frankly, I -- 934 00:42:08,459 --> 00:42:10,458 我认为这是因为它很像 I think it's 'cause it closely resembles 935 00:42:10,459 --> 00:42:12,458 一只漂亮的公鸡。 a nicely shaped cock. 936 00:42:12,459 --> 00:42:14,458 看着它，看着它。 It's -- Look at it. Look at it. 937 00:42:14,459 --> 00:42:15,458 向侧面转。 Turn sideways. 938 00:42:15,459 --> 00:42:17,458 看看它。 Look at it. 939 00:42:17,459 --> 00:42:20,458 就像一个形状优美的阴茎，没有人能停止看它。 And like a nicely shaped penis, nobody can stop looking at it. 940 00:42:20,459 --> 00:42:23,458 这对男人和女人都是完全催眠的。 It's totally hypnotic to men and women alike. 941 00:42:23,459 --> 00:42:26,458 你——你有一个完美的双脑袋。 You -- You have a perfect dick-head. 942 00:42:26,459 --> 00:42:31,458 而且，男人和女人都对它很满意。 And, uh, men and women are both comfortable with it. 943 00:42:31,459 --> 00:42:34,458 他们认为这很有趣，有点吓人，有点性感。 They think it's funny, a little scary, a little sexy. 944 00:42:34,459 --> 00:42:36,458 这是一件很罕见的事。 Just that is a rare thing. 945 00:42:36,459 --> 00:42:39,458 这是一件很罕见的事，我知道，因为我试图模仿你 It's a rare thing, and I know, because I tried to emulate you 946 00:42:39,459 --> 00:42:40,458 在“美国历史x”中。 in "American History X." 947 00:42:40,459 --> 00:42:43,458 我剃了我的头，我表现得像个种族歧视者。 I shaved my head. I acted like a racist asshole. 948 00:42:43,459 --> 00:42:46,458 而且，嗯，这可能是最接近的演员了 And, um, it's probably the closest any actor 949 00:42:46,459 --> 00:42:48,458 在电影中出现了， has actually come to being you in a film, 950 00:42:48,459 --> 00:42:49,458 我获得了最佳男演员提名。 and I got nominated for Best Actor. 951 00:42:49,459 --> 00:42:52,458 但是，电影赚的钱比你赚的少 But -- But the movie made less money than you made 952 00:42:52,459 --> 00:42:54,458 在“没有人的傻瓜”的第一个周末。 on the opening weekend of "Nobody's Fool." 953 00:42:54,459 --> 00:42:57,458 就像。 It's like... 954 00:42:57,459 --> 00:42:59,458 你要和保罗纽曼合作， You got to work with Paul Newman, 955 00:42:59,459 --> 00:43:02,458 我得到的只是我的光头海报 and all I got was my skinhead poster 956 00:43:02,459 --> 00:43:05,458 在圣塔莫尼卡大街同性恋俱乐部的洗手间里。 in the bathrooms of the gay clubs on Santa Monica Boulevard. 957 00:43:05,459 --> 00:43:08,458 笑声 [ Laughter ] 958 00:43:08,459 --> 00:43:09,458 我不知道，我想我必须接受它。 I don't know. I think I have to accept it. 959 00:43:09,459 --> 00:43:12,458 我想我必须接受我永远不会 I think I have to accept I will never be 960 00:43:12,459 --> 00:43:16,458 你是全球的白痴。 the global dickhead powerhouse that you are. 961 00:43:16,459 --> 00:43:18,458 不管我有多好，不管我有多忠诚， No matter how good I am, no matter how committed, 962 00:43:18,459 --> 00:43:19,458 无论多么专业， no matter how professional, 963 00:43:19,459 --> 00:43:23,458 所有这些都让我远离了你的明星标准。 all those things take me further from your standard of stardom. 964 00:43:23,459 --> 00:43:27,458 没有人喜欢你，该死的。 There is nobody else like you, damn it. 965 00:43:27,459 --> 00:43:30,459 没有人。嗯，开玩笑。 Nobody. Um, joking aside... 966 00:43:31,459 --> 00:43:34,458 我多年前在纽约做过一场戏剧， I was doing a play many years ago in New York, 967 00:43:34,459 --> 00:43:36,458 在演出结束后的一个晚上，我回家了。 and, um, I came home one night after the show. 968 00:43:36,459 --> 00:43:39,458 在我的公寓大楼里有一封信 And there was a letter in my apartment building 969 00:43:39,459 --> 00:43:41,458 来自四季酒店。 from the Four Seasons Hotel. 970 00:43:41,459 --> 00:43:44,458 我读了它，它是最深思熟虑的， And I read it, and it was one of the most thoughtful, 971 00:43:44,459 --> 00:43:48,458 我在这整出戏中得到了清晰的字母。 articulate letters I got about this whole play. 972 00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:50,458 它的署名是“布鲁斯威利斯”。 And it was signed "Bruce Willis." 973 00:43:50,459 --> 00:43:52,458 我立刻打电话给我的朋友斯图尔特说， And I immediately called my friend Stewart and said, 974 00:43:52,459 --> 00:43:54,458 “去你妈的，这是一场胜利。” "Fuck you. It's a wind-up." 975 00:43:54,459 --> 00:43:56,458 他说，“我不知道你在说什么。 And, uh, he said, "I don't know what you're talking about. 976 00:43:56,459 --> 00:43:57,458 所以，我打电话给布鲁斯。 So, I called Bruce. 977 00:43:57,459 --> 00:43:59,458 我说，“你真的给我写这封信了吗？” I said, "Did you really write me this letter?" 978 00:43:59,459 --> 00:44:01,458 他说，“是的。” He said, "Yeah." 979 00:44:01,459 --> 00:44:07,458 所以我们喝了啤酒，他说，本质上， So we had a beer, and, um, he says, essentially, 980 00:44:07,459 --> 00:44:09,458 “你在做我想做的工作， "You're doing the kind of work I want to be a part of, 981 00:44:09,459 --> 00:44:12,458 不管你在做什么，如果你能让我参与其中， and whatever you're doing, if you can put me in the mix, 982 00:44:12,459 --> 00:44:15,458 我在看不见的地方。” I'm in, sight unseen." 983 00:44:15,459 --> 00:44:19,458 嗯，我不认为那是真的。 And, um, I didn't think that would really stick. 984 00:44:19,459 --> 00:44:21,458 很多年后， And many years later, 985 00:44:21,459 --> 00:44:25,458 当我想拍一部我自己的电影，真正的激情项目—— when I wanted to make my own film, real passion project -- 986 00:44:25,459 --> 00:44:27,458 要完成这些事情是很困难的—— it's hard to get those things done -- 987 00:44:27,459 --> 00:44:29,458 他是我第一个打电话的人。 he was the first person I called. 988 00:44:29,459 --> 00:44:33,458 他说，“我告诉过你，如果你需要我，我就在里面。” And he said, "I told ya, if you ever need me, I'm in." 989 00:44:33,459 --> 00:44:35,458 呃，我们一起拍了这部电影 And, uh, we just made this movie together 990 00:44:35,459 --> 00:44:37,458 度过了一段美好的时光。 and had a beautiful time. 991 00:44:37,459 --> 00:44:40,458 我也不会把它和你做的。 And I wouldn't have gotten it made with you. 992 00:44:40,459 --> 00:44:43,458 我对此深表感激。 Uh, and I'm really deeply grateful for that. 993 00:44:43,459 --> 00:44:45,458 嗯，我爱你。 Um, I love you. 994 00:44:45,459 --> 00:44:46,458 或者我是一个很好的演员 Or maybe I'm very a good actor 995 00:44:46,459 --> 00:44:48,458 当我这么说的时候，我就是在演戏。 and I'm just acting when I say that. 996 00:44:48,459 --> 00:44:49,458 你会。 You would... 997 00:44:49,459 --> 00:44:51,458 笑声，欢呼和掌声 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 998 00:44:51,459 --> 00:44:52,459 耶！ Yeah! 999 00:44:54,459 --> 00:44:55,459 嗯… Um... 1000 00:44:58,459 --> 00:44:59,458 你不知道其中的区别， You wouldn't know the difference, 1001 00:44:59,459 --> 00:45:01,458 这就是我爱你的原因。 and that's the reason I love you. 1002 00:45:01,459 --> 00:45:04,458 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1003 00:45:04,459 --> 00:45:06,458 哦，伙计。 Oh, buddy. 1004 00:45:06,459 --> 00:45:08,458 -谢谢。-谢谢。 - Thank you. - Thank you. 1005 00:45:08,459 --> 00:45:09,458 谢谢。 Thank you. 1006 00:45:09,459 --> 00:45:11,458 太棒了。 Fantastic. 1007 00:45:11,459 --> 00:45:12,458 上来吧，玛莎斯图尔特。 Coming up, Martha Stewart... 1008 00:45:12,459 --> 00:45:15,458 我决定到这里来，重新点燃我们的友谊。 I decided to come out here and rekindle our friendship. 1009 00:45:15,459 --> 00:45:16,458 和Dom Irrera， ...and Dom Irrera, 1010 00:45:16,459 --> 00:45:20,098 当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 when the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 1011 00:45:20,099 --> 00:45:22,098 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1012 00:45:22,099 --> 00:45:25,098 ♪♪ 1013 00:45:26,199 --> 00:45:28,198 好吧！ All right! 1014 00:45:28,199 --> 00:45:30,198 抱歉，我不得不说， Sorry, I just have to say, 1015 00:45:30,199 --> 00:45:32,198 这是最酷的事情之一 that was one of the coolest things 1016 00:45:32,199 --> 00:45:34,508 这在最近的电视节目中已经出现了。 that has to have happened on TV recently. 1017 00:45:34,509 --> 00:45:36,508 那真是太神奇了。 That was -- That was amazing. 1018 00:45:36,509 --> 00:45:37,508 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1019 00:45:37,509 --> 00:45:38,508 好的。 Okay. 1020 00:45:38,509 --> 00:45:41,508 我们的下一位烘焙师是玛莎斯图尔特。 Our next roaster is Martha Stewart. 1021 00:45:41,509 --> 00:45:43,509 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1022 00:45:45,509 --> 00:45:48,508 玛莎以她的方式完成了大学学业， Martha worked her way through college as a model, 1023 00:45:48,509 --> 00:45:51,508 为香烟广告和米开朗基罗摆姿势。 posing for cigarette ads and Michelangelo. 1024 00:45:51,509 --> 00:45:53,508 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1025 00:45:53,509 --> 00:45:57,508 她是最受指控的女主人。 She's the hostess with the most-est indictments. 1026 00:45:57,509 --> 00:46:01,508 但她的前科记录有800条记录。 But her rap sheet has an 800-thread count. 1027 00:46:01,509 --> 00:46:02,508 我是玛莎斯图尔特，女士们，先生们。 It's Martha Stewart, ladies and gentlemen. 1028 00:46:02,509 --> 00:46:04,508 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1029 00:46:04,509 --> 00:46:07,508 模糊拉平 [ Indistinct rapping ] 1030 00:46:07,509 --> 00:46:13,508 ♪♪ 1031 00:46:13,509 --> 00:46:16,508 哇，多么美好的夜晚啊。 Wow. What a night. Ha. 1032 00:46:16,509 --> 00:46:18,508 谢谢你，约瑟夫。 Thank you, Joseph. 1033 00:46:18,509 --> 00:46:20,508 我知道一些关于举办派对的事情， I know something about hosting parties, 1034 00:46:20,509 --> 00:46:25,508 所以我想祝贺你今晚成为了完美的东道主。 so I want to congratulate you on being the perfect host tonight. 1035 00:46:25,509 --> 00:46:29,508 你把桌子摆好，在背景中褪了色， You set the table, faded into the background, 1036 00:46:29,509 --> 00:46:32,508 让那些有趣的人发光。 and let the interesting people shine. 1037 00:46:32,509 --> 00:46:34,508 -太棒了-谢谢。 - Bravo. - Thank you. 1038 00:46:34,509 --> 00:46:35,508 谢谢。 Thank you. 1039 00:46:35,509 --> 00:46:37,508 真是个大问题。 What a dais. 1040 00:46:37,509 --> 00:46:42,508 丹尼斯罗德曼，我从哪里开始？ Dennis Rodman, where do I begin? 1041 00:46:42,509 --> 00:46:44,508 如果你在90年代告诉我丹尼斯罗德曼 If you had told me back in the '90s that Dennis Rodman 1042 00:46:44,509 --> 00:46:50,508 将在2018年就一项核武器协议进行谈判， would be negotiating a nuclear-arms agreement in 2018, 1043 00:46:50,509 --> 00:46:55,508 我可能会说，“丹尼斯罗德曼在2018年还活着？” I would've said, "Dennis Rodman is alive in 2018?" 1044 00:46:55,509 --> 00:46:57,509 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1045 00:46:59,509 --> 00:47:02,508 当地喜剧演员Dom Irrera在这里。 Local comedian Dom Irrera is here. 1046 00:47:02,509 --> 00:47:08,508 多姆，我知道你的职业生涯从来没有真正起飞过， Dom, I know your career never really took off, 1047 00:47:08,509 --> 00:47:12,508 但是如果你继续做你一直在做的事情， but if you just keep doing what you've been doing, 1048 00:47:12,509 --> 00:47:14,508 我相信你最终会被发现的 I'm sure you'll eventually be discovered 1049 00:47:14,509 --> 00:47:18,508 在你心脏病发作两周后由你的房东。 by your landlord two weeks after your heart attack. 1050 00:47:18,509 --> 00:47:22,508 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1051 00:47:22,509 --> 00:47:25,508 爱德华诺顿，我是一个超级粉丝。 And, Edward Norton, I am a huge fan. 1052 00:47:25,509 --> 00:47:28,508 你真了不起。 You are amazing. 1053 00:47:28,509 --> 00:47:32,508 爱德华非常认真地对待这件事。 Edward takes the craft of acting very seriously. 1054 00:47:32,509 --> 00:47:35,508 他准备扮演无敌浩克 He prepared to play the Incredible Hulk 1055 00:47:35,509 --> 00:47:38,508 他花了30年的时间来发脾气 by spending 30 years losing his temper 1056 00:47:38,509 --> 00:47:41,508 变成了一个巨大的混蛋。 and turning into a giant asshole. 1057 00:47:41,509 --> 00:47:44,508 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1058 00:47:44,509 --> 00:47:48,508 Nikki Glaser，你拥有一切—— Nikki Glaser, you have it all -- 1059 00:47:48,509 --> 00:47:52,508 专业色情明星的名字 the name of a professional porn star 1060 00:47:52,509 --> 00:47:55,508 以及一个业余色情明星的身体。 and the body of an amateur porn star. 1061 00:47:55,509 --> 00:47:58,508 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1062 00:47:58,509 --> 00:48:01,508 你知道，我是metoo运动的支持者， You know, I'm a big supporter of the #MeToo movement, 1063 00:48:01,509 --> 00:48:03,508 但是记住，尼基， but remember, Nikki, 1064 00:48:03,509 --> 00:48:06,508 "我也是"不应该仅仅是一个人对他的朋友说的话 "me too" shouldn't just be what a guy says to his friend 1065 00:48:06,509 --> 00:48:11,508 当他告诉他他和尼基。格拉泽做爱时。 when he tells him he had sex with Nikki Glaser. 1066 00:48:11,509 --> 00:48:12,508 注意到。 Noted. 1067 00:48:12,509 --> 00:48:15,508 今晚这里有这么多名人。 Well, there are so many celebrities here tonight. 1068 00:48:15,509 --> 00:48:20,508 我们有电影里的男人，电视里的女人，还有里尔， We have men from movies, women from TV, and Lil Rel from, 1069 00:48:20,509 --> 00:48:23,138 我猜是加州葡萄干？ I'm guessing, the California Raisins? 1070 00:48:23,139 --> 00:48:25,509 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1071 00:48:30,509 --> 00:48:34,508 哦，现在，可爱的赛比尔谢泼德就在这里。 Oh, and, now, the lovely Cybill Shepherd is here. 1072 00:48:34,509 --> 00:48:36,508 我记得几年前， I remember years ago, 1073 00:48:36,509 --> 00:48:38,508 当我听说要去看电影的时候——一部电视电影—— when I heard there was going to be a movie -- a TV movie -- 1074 00:48:38,509 --> 00:48:41,508 关于我，我想，“哦，上帝，不，” about me, I thought, "Oh, God, no," 1075 00:48:41,509 --> 00:48:44,508 因为它们总是那么可怕。 because they're always so dreadful. 1076 00:48:44,509 --> 00:48:45,508 我真的很紧张。 I was really nervous. 1077 00:48:45,509 --> 00:48:47,508 好吧，你可以想象我的解脱 Well, you can imagine my relief 1078 00:48:47,509 --> 00:48:50,508 当我发现西比尔谢泼德要和我玩的时候。 when I found out Cybill Shepherd was going to play me. 1079 00:48:50,509 --> 00:48:53,508 我想，“赛比尔谢泼德？太好了。 I thought, "Cybill Shepherd? Great. 1080 00:48:53,509 --> 00:48:55,508 没有人会看到它。” No one will see it." 1081 00:48:55,509 --> 00:48:57,509 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1082 00:48:59,509 --> 00:49:02,508 现在，Cybill，你的职业生涯是不是很有趣 Now, Cybill, isn't it interesting that your career 1083 00:49:02,509 --> 00:49:06,508 在这个角色之后， basically ended after that role, 1084 00:49:06,509 --> 00:49:09,509 就好像你冒犯了某人，一个有权力的人， as if you'd offended someone, someone with power, 1085 00:49:10,509 --> 00:49:13,508 一个拥有大量资源和金钱的人。 someone with vast resources and money. 1086 00:49:13,509 --> 00:49:17,508 谁能制定出这样的计划？ Who could cook up such a plan? 1087 00:49:17,509 --> 00:49:21,508 谁能制定这样的计划？ Who could craft such a scheme? 1088 00:49:21,509 --> 00:49:23,508 是我，婊子。 It was me, bitch. 1089 00:49:23,509 --> 00:49:24,508 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1090 00:49:24,509 --> 00:49:27,509 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1091 00:49:31,509 --> 00:49:33,508 哦，嗨，布鲁斯。 Oh, hi, Bruce. 1092 00:49:33,509 --> 00:49:36,508 我非常尊敬我们的荣誉， I have great respect for our honoree, 1093 00:49:36,509 --> 00:49:39,508 布鲁斯威利斯，我们的烤鱼， Bruce Willis, our roastee, 1094 00:49:39,509 --> 00:49:42,508 可能是因为我从没见过 probably because I've never seen 1095 00:49:42,509 --> 00:49:44,508 所有人都在谈论的电影。 any of the movies everybody's talking about. 1096 00:49:44,509 --> 00:49:47,508 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1097 00:49:47,509 --> 00:49:49,508 不像今晚在座的各位， Unlike everyone here tonight, 1098 00:49:49,509 --> 00:49:52,508 我个人非常欣赏布鲁斯的音乐。 I personally have a great appreciation for Bruce's music. 1099 00:49:52,509 --> 00:49:54,508 我在派对上玩的时候迟到了 I play it at all my parties when it's late 1100 00:49:54,509 --> 00:49:57,508 我希望每个人都能立即离开。 and I want everyone to leave immediately. 1101 00:49:57,509 --> 00:50:00,508 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1102 00:50:00,509 --> 00:50:02,508 布鲁斯和我实际上是邻居。 Bruce and I are actually neighbors. 1103 00:50:02,509 --> 00:50:03,508 我们在同一个城镇，德福德。 We're in the same town, Bedford. 1104 00:50:03,509 --> 00:50:05,508 他有一所漂亮的房子。 He has a wonderful house. 1105 00:50:05,509 --> 00:50:08,508 室内设计令人惊叹。 The interior design is amazing. 1106 00:50:08,509 --> 00:50:11,509 他希望里面的一切看起来都是中世纪的现代风格， He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, 1107 00:50:12,509 --> 00:50:15,508 除了他的新婚妻子。 except his new wife. 1108 00:50:15,509 --> 00:50:18,508 我记得布鲁斯邀请我参加他们的婚礼。 I remember when Bruce invited me to their wedding. 1109 00:50:18,509 --> 00:50:19,508 他亲手送来了请柬， He hand-delivered the invitation, 1110 00:50:19,509 --> 00:50:22,508 我告诉他，“我要抓住下一个。” and I told him, "I'll catch the next one." 1111 00:50:22,509 --> 00:50:24,509 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1112 00:50:26,509 --> 00:50:29,508 但是除了所有的笑话，布鲁斯，我不得不说， But all jokes aside, Bruce, I have to say that, 1113 00:50:29,509 --> 00:50:32,508 尽管今晚大家都说了你， despite what everyone else has said about you tonight, 1114 00:50:32,509 --> 00:50:36,508 我认为你是一个好邻居，一个伟大的演员， I think you are a good neighbor, a great actor, 1115 00:50:36,509 --> 00:50:40,508 还有一个非常非常结实的家伙。 and a very, very solid fuck buddy. 1116 00:50:40,509 --> 00:50:41,508 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1117 00:50:41,509 --> 00:50:43,508 明天见。晚安。 See you tomorrow. Good night. 1118 00:50:43,509 --> 00:50:45,508 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1119 00:50:45,509 --> 00:50:47,508 ♪♪ 1120 00:50:47,509 --> 00:50:50,509 哦，亲爱的，谢谢你。谢谢你的到来。 Oh, darling, thank you. Thanks for coming. 1121 00:50:52,509 --> 00:50:54,508 -玛莎斯图尔特杀了它。-嗨，伙计们。 - Martha Stewart killed it. - Hi, guys. 1122 00:50:54,509 --> 00:50:58,508 接下来，Dom Irrera和Dennis罗德曼。 Coming up, Dom Irrera and Dennis Rodman. 1123 00:50:58,509 --> 00:51:01,509 布鲁斯，我来找你，宝贝。我来找你。 Bruce, I'm coming for ya, baby. I'm coming for ya. 1124 00:51:03,509 --> 00:51:05,508 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1125 00:51:05,509 --> 00:51:08,508 ♪♪ 1126 00:51:08,509 --> 00:51:12,508 我们的下一位演讲者是真正的出汗，Dom Irrera。 Our next presenter is truly perspiring, Dom Irrera. 1127 00:51:12,509 --> 00:51:15,508 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1128 00:51:15,509 --> 00:51:19,508 Dom太老了，他不会让我的。 Dom is so old, he's not gonna get #MeToo'ed. 1129 00:51:19,509 --> 00:51:21,508 他也会得到的。 He's gonna get #YeToo'ed. 1130 00:51:21,509 --> 00:51:23,248 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1131 00:51:23,249 --> 00:51:25,248 请欢迎Dom Irrera。 Please welcome Dom Irrera. 1132 00:51:25,249 --> 00:51:27,248 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1133 00:51:27,249 --> 00:51:34,248 ♪♪ 1134 00:51:34,249 --> 00:51:35,948 哇。 Wow. 1135 00:51:35,949 --> 00:51:37,948 我从没想过我会在周六晚上思考， I never thought I'd be spending a Saturday night thinking, 1136 00:51:37,949 --> 00:51:39,948 “妈的，我希望我能跟玛莎斯图尔特一样。” "Fuck, I hope I can follow Martha Stewart." 1137 00:51:39,949 --> 00:51:41,949 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1138 00:51:45,949 --> 00:51:47,948 这是一个很好的听证会 And it was really good hearing Ed Norton 1139 00:51:47,949 --> 00:51:49,948 谈论他自己。 talk about himself so much. 1140 00:51:49,949 --> 00:51:51,948 我从来没见过有人烤过别人 I've never seen anybody roast somebody else 1141 00:51:51,949 --> 00:51:56,948 用那种真诚来谈论他们自己。 and talk about themselves with that kind of sincerity. 1142 00:51:56,949 --> 00:51:58,948 他真是个傲慢的混蛋。 What an arrogant motherfucker he is. 1143 00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:00,948 耶稣基督。 Jesus Christ. 1144 00:52:00,949 --> 00:52:02,948 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1145 00:52:02,949 --> 00:52:05,948 我真想把他揍一顿。 I'd like to beat the fuck out of him. 1146 00:52:05,949 --> 00:52:08,948 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1147 00:52:08,949 --> 00:52:10,948 这个瘦小的小混蛋，我在大厅里遇见了他。 This skinny little prick, I met him in the hall. 1148 00:52:10,949 --> 00:52:12,948 他把我吹走了。 He fuckin' blew me off. 1149 00:52:12,949 --> 00:52:14,948 我从来都不喜欢你的工作，我从来都不喜欢你。 I never liked your work. I never liked you. 1150 00:52:14,949 --> 00:52:18,948 我要告诉你，很荣幸见到你。 And I got to tell you, it's an honor to meet you. 1151 00:52:18,949 --> 00:52:21,949 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1152 00:52:24,949 --> 00:52:25,948 伙计。 Man. 1153 00:52:25,949 --> 00:52:28,948 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1154 00:52:28,949 --> 00:52:30,948 凯文波拉克——我爱凯文波拉克。 Kevin Pollak -- I love Kevin Pollak. 1155 00:52:30,949 --> 00:52:31,948 你真了不起。 You are amazing. 1156 00:52:31,949 --> 00:52:33,948 女士们，想想看。 Ladies, think about it. 1157 00:52:33,949 --> 00:52:35,948 如果你是凯文的妻子，你可以去 If you were Kevin's wife, you could fuck 1158 00:52:35,949 --> 00:52:37,948 每晚都有不同的名人 a different celebrity every night 1159 00:52:37,949 --> 00:52:40,948 他一边看着，一边猛打。 while he watches and jerks off. 1160 00:52:40,949 --> 00:52:43,948 想象一下这个小小的，可怜的小池 Just picture that little, pathetic, little pool of jizz 1161 00:52:43,949 --> 00:52:47,948 他的犹太胃。 on his Jewish stomach. 1162 00:52:47,949 --> 00:52:49,948 最后我不能说“犹太人”没有“私生子”。 I can't say "Jew" without "bastard" at the end. 1163 00:52:49,949 --> 00:52:52,948 在这个镇上，我要杀了我。 It's killing me in this town. 1164 00:52:52,949 --> 00:52:56,948 我在这里杀了我。 It's fuckin' killing me over here. 1165 00:52:56,949 --> 00:52:59,948 爱德华诺顿，艾德，嘿，你拍了一部叫做“原始恐惧”的电影。 Edward Norton, Ed, hey, you did a movie called "Primal Fear." 1166 00:52:59,949 --> 00:53:01,948 它是以他的感觉命名的 It was named after the feeling he got 1167 00:53:01,949 --> 00:53:05,948 每次他在没有安全套的情况下把考特尼的爱打得很好。 every time he banged Courtney Love without a condom. 1168 00:53:05,949 --> 00:53:06,948 这是一个真实的故事，女士们，先生们。 It's a true story, ladies and gentlemen. 1169 00:53:06,949 --> 00:53:10,948 这个东西在上面吗？这是on吗？ It this thing on? Is this on? 1170 00:53:10,949 --> 00:53:11,948 实际上，他和考特妮爱， Actually, he dated Courtney Love, 1171 00:53:11,949 --> 00:53:13,948 但是他从来没有出名过 but he never became famous enough 1172 00:53:13,949 --> 00:53:15,948 让她把他杀了。 for her to have him murdered. 1173 00:53:15,949 --> 00:53:17,949 观众叹息 [ Audience groans ] 1174 00:53:21,949 --> 00:53:23,948 Cybill Shepherd，首先是Cybill， Cybill Shepherd, first of all, Cybill, 1175 00:53:23,949 --> 00:53:25,948 你在这里做得很好。 you did great coming up here. 1176 00:53:25,949 --> 00:53:26,948 你他妈的—— You fuckin' -- 1177 00:53:26,949 --> 00:53:29,948 你的演技——我是认真的。 Your acting abil-- I'm serious. 1178 00:53:29,949 --> 00:53:32,948 很荣幸认识你。 And it's an honor to meet you. 1179 00:53:32,949 --> 00:53:34,948 在她的第一部电影，最后的图片展中， In her first film, "Last Picture Show," 1180 00:53:34,949 --> 00:53:35,948 西比尔和那颗星发生了性关系， Cybill had sex with the star, 1181 00:53:35,949 --> 00:53:37,949 导演，制片人和编剧。 the director, the producer, and the writer. 1182 00:53:38,949 --> 00:53:40,948 今天，我们称之为“我四人”。 Today, we call that a "Me Four." 1183 00:53:40,949 --> 00:53:42,948 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1184 00:53:42,949 --> 00:53:45,948 杰夫罗斯，很高兴见到你。 Jeff Ross, good to see you. 1185 00:53:45,949 --> 00:53:46,948 我在开玩笑。 I'm kidding. 1186 00:53:46,949 --> 00:53:48,948 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1187 00:53:48,949 --> 00:53:49,948 看看你的脸。 Look at your face. 1188 00:53:49,949 --> 00:53:53,948 什么样的上帝会让这种事情发生？ What kind of God would let that happen? 1189 00:53:53,949 --> 00:53:54,948 杰夫刚买了一栋新房子 Jeff just bought a new house 1190 00:53:54,949 --> 00:53:57,948 并配备了三个私人厨师。 and staffed it with three personal chefs. 1191 00:53:57,949 --> 00:53:59,948 前两名死于疲惫。 First two died of exhaustion. 1192 00:53:59,949 --> 00:54:01,948 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1193 00:54:01,949 --> 00:54:03,948 Lil Rel——我整晚都坐在Lil Rel旁边。 Lil Rel -- I've been sitting next to Lil Rel all night. 1194 00:54:03,949 --> 00:54:04,948 我很高兴认识了这个人。 I'm glad I met this guy. 1195 00:54:04,949 --> 00:54:07,948 这个人终于得到了他应得的认可。 This guy is finally getting the recognition he deserves. 1196 00:54:07,949 --> 00:54:09,948 昨天，他走进一家星巴克， Yesterday, he walked into a Starbucks, 1197 00:54:09,949 --> 00:54:11,948 经理喊道：“滚出去。” and the manager yelled, "Get Out." 1198 00:54:11,949 --> 00:54:15,948 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1199 00:54:15,949 --> 00:54:18,948 我有一百万个！ I got a million of them! 1200 00:54:18,949 --> 00:54:19,948 好吧，好吧。 All right, okay, okay. 1201 00:54:19,949 --> 00:54:22,948 这就是我和我所认识的人一起烘焙的东西，我不知道。 That's it with me roasting the people I know and don't know. 1202 00:54:22,949 --> 00:54:25,948 现在我要谈谈你。 Now I got to talk about you. 1203 00:54:25,949 --> 00:54:26,948 恭喜你，伙计， Congratulations on the roast, man, 1204 00:54:26,949 --> 00:54:30,948 喜剧中心只会让最优秀的人，比如你， and Comedy Central roasts only the best people, like you, 1205 00:54:30,949 --> 00:54:35,948 唐纳德特朗普，那个来自“Baywatch”的家伙。 Donald Trump, that guy from "Baywatch." 1206 00:54:35,949 --> 00:54:38,948 布鲁斯，我现在看到你了，我看到你美丽的女儿们， Bruce, I see you now, and I see your beautiful daughters, 1207 00:54:38,949 --> 00:54:39,948 我为你感到骄傲。 and I'm so proud of you. 1208 00:54:39,949 --> 00:54:41,948 我为你感到骄傲，我记得我们什么都没有。 I'm so proud of you. I remember when we had nothing. 1209 00:54:41,949 --> 00:54:45,948 我们会一起去你家洗个澡， And we would go to your house and take a bath together, 1210 00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:47,948 我们会——我们彼此相爱。 and we would -- we loved each other. 1211 00:54:47,949 --> 00:54:49,948 我们会互相洗对方的衣服， We would wash each other's taints, 1212 00:54:49,949 --> 00:54:53,948 我总是确保你的污点很紧 and I always made sure that your taint was taut 1213 00:54:53,949 --> 00:54:57,948 在你出去之前。 before you went out. 1214 00:54:57,949 --> 00:54:59,948 布鲁斯甚至都不是他家里最好的演员。 Bruce wasn't even the best actor in his house. 1215 00:54:59,949 --> 00:55:00,948 黛米摩尔是。 Demi Moore was. 1216 00:55:00,949 --> 00:55:02,948 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1217 00:55:02,949 --> 00:55:04,948 你知道，这很有趣。 You know, and it's funny. 1218 00:55:04,949 --> 00:55:06,948 我看见你，我看见你和你的女儿们， I see you, and I see you with your daughters, 1219 00:55:06,949 --> 00:55:08,948 我看到了爱，他们是如此美丽的女孩， and I see the love, and they're such beautiful girls, 1220 00:55:08,949 --> 00:55:11,948 我想到你永远不会听到父亲的声音 and I think about how you never hear a father 1221 00:55:11,949 --> 00:55:13,948 吹嘘他女儿的性能力。 brag about his daughter's sexual prowess. 1222 00:55:13,949 --> 00:55:15,948 你知道，他们总是吹嘘说：“我儿子是一块钱。 You know, they always brag about, "My son's a buck. 1223 00:55:15,949 --> 00:55:16,948 他是个大帅哥。 He's a stud. 1224 00:55:16,949 --> 00:55:18,948 大学一年级的时候，他把每个人都钉在了一起。 Freshman year of college, he nailed everybody. 1225 00:55:18,949 --> 00:55:21,948 男孩，女孩，狗，他都不给。” Boys, girls, dogs, he didn't give a fuck." 1226 00:55:21,949 --> 00:55:23,948 你听过一个父亲吹嘘他的女儿吗？ You ever hear a father brag about his daughter? 1227 00:55:23,949 --> 00:55:24,948 “你听到了吗？听着。” "You hear that up there? Listen to that. 1228 00:55:24,949 --> 00:55:27,948 那是我女儿和10个男人在一起。 That's my daughter taking on 10 guys. 1229 00:55:27,949 --> 00:55:29,948 是的，那是我的孩子。那是我们最小的。 Yeah, that's my baby. That's our youngest. 1230 00:55:29,949 --> 00:55:32,948 她总是喜欢公鸡。越大越好。 She always loved cock. The bigger, the better. 1231 00:55:32,949 --> 00:55:34,948 她总是让男人在街区周围排起队来。 She always had men lined up around the block. 1232 00:55:34,949 --> 00:55:36,948 男人们把她从后面拉了出来， Guys tag-teaming her from behind, 1233 00:55:36,949 --> 00:55:38,948 她的后背上满是高腰， high-fiving over her jizz-filled back, 1234 00:55:38,949 --> 00:55:39,948 在她的耳朵里滴下一大堆东西。 dropping loads in her ears. 1235 00:55:39,949 --> 00:55:41,948 她听不见。 She couldn't hear them. 1236 00:55:41,949 --> 00:55:42,948 我能告诉你什么？ What can I tell you, huh? 1237 00:55:42,949 --> 00:55:46,948 她就像她的母亲，那个孩子。” She's just like her mother, that kid." 1238 00:55:46,949 --> 00:55:48,948 谢谢，我爱你。 Thank you. I love you. 1239 00:55:48,949 --> 00:55:50,948 -我应该多做点什么吗？-哦，天哪。 - Should I do more? - Oh, my God. 1240 00:55:50,949 --> 00:55:52,948 不，你在杀我。 No, you're killing me. 1241 00:55:52,949 --> 00:55:54,948 -谢谢你。我爱你。-我也爱你。 - Thank you. I love you. - I love you, too. 1242 00:55:54,949 --> 00:55:56,948 哦，天哪。 Oh, my God. 1243 00:55:56,949 --> 00:55:59,948 接下来，杰夫罗斯，丹尼斯罗德曼…… Coming up, Jeff Ross, Dennis Rodman... 1244 00:55:59,949 --> 00:56:01,948 小金要你签个字。 Little Kim wants you to sign something. 1245 00:56:01,949 --> 00:56:04,948 我以为李金有大的山雀和黑色的。 I thought Lil' Kim had big tits and black. 1246 00:56:04,949 --> 00:56:07,948 还有黛米摩尔的特别亮相。 ...and a special appearance by Demi Moore. 1247 00:56:07,949 --> 00:56:09,948 惊喜！ Surprise! 1248 00:56:09,949 --> 00:56:14,438 当布鲁斯威利斯的喜剧中心烤肉继续进行的时候。 When the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis continues. 1249 00:56:14,439 --> 00:56:16,438 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1250 00:56:16,439 --> 00:56:19,438 ♪♪ 1251 00:56:21,439 --> 00:56:24,438 好了，我们的下一个烘焙师是丹尼斯罗德曼。 All right, our next roaster is Dennis Rodman. 1252 00:56:24,439 --> 00:56:27,438 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1253 00:56:27,439 --> 00:56:29,438 他们称他为“蠕虫” They call him "The Worm" 1254 00:56:29,439 --> 00:56:32,438 因为下雨之后他总是在人行道上。 because he's always on the sidewalk after it rains. 1255 00:56:32,439 --> 00:56:34,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1256 00:56:34,439 --> 00:56:36,438 你可以在"名人康复中心"看到他 You can see him on "Celebrity Rehab" 1257 00:56:36,439 --> 00:56:38,438 或者是飞往朝鲜的飞行教练。 or flying coach to North Korea. 1258 00:56:38,439 --> 00:56:41,438 请欢迎丹尼斯罗德曼。 Please welcome Dennis Rodman. 1259 00:56:41,439 --> 00:56:43,438 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1260 00:56:43,439 --> 00:56:51,438 ♪♪ 1261 00:56:51,439 --> 00:56:53,438 嗨，我是丹尼斯罗德曼。 Hi. I'm Dennis Rodman. 1262 00:56:53,439 --> 00:56:57,438 我是这个舞台上唯一一个做过很酷的事情的人。 I'm the only guy on this stage has done some really cool shit. 1263 00:56:57,439 --> 00:57:00,438 嘿，艾德诺顿。怎么了，伙计？ Hey, Ed Norton. What's up, man? 1264 00:57:00,439 --> 00:57:05,438 爱德华的“爱德华”而不是“Ed”，因为他是一个真正的迪克。 Edward goes by "Edward" and not "Ed" because he is a real dick. 1265 00:57:05,439 --> 00:57:06,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1266 00:57:06,439 --> 00:57:10,438 Ed Norton有三个我最喜欢的东西—— Ed Norton was in three of my favorite things -- 1267 00:57:10,439 --> 00:57:13,438 "美国历史X" "American History X," 1268 00:57:13,439 --> 00:57:16,438 "搏击俱乐部" "Fight Club," 1269 00:57:16,439 --> 00:57:17,438 还有萨尔玛海耶克。 and Salma Hayek. 1270 00:57:17,439 --> 00:57:21,438 观众欢呼 [ Audience cheers ] 1271 00:57:21,439 --> 00:57:23,438 玛莎斯图尔特，我看到你在那里，宝贝。 Martha Stewart, I see you right there, baby. 1272 00:57:23,439 --> 00:57:27,438 下次你进监狱的时候，请打电话给我。 The next time you go to jail, please call me. 1273 00:57:27,439 --> 00:57:29,438 我将保证你的释放。 I will secure your release. 1274 00:57:29,439 --> 00:57:32,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1275 00:57:32,439 --> 00:57:35,438 看那边那个家伙，Lil Rel。 And look at that guy over there, Lil Rel. 1276 00:57:35,439 --> 00:57:37,438 看起来就像大卫奥提兹的波布尔海德。 Looking like fuckin' David Ortiz bobblehead. 1277 00:57:37,439 --> 00:57:40,439 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1278 00:57:42,439 --> 00:57:44,438 我看见你在那儿，宝贝。 Cybill, I see you over there, baby. 1279 00:57:44,439 --> 00:57:45,438 我看见你了。 I see you. 1280 00:57:45,439 --> 00:57:47,438 赛比尔谢泼德—— Cybill Shepherd -- 1281 00:57:47,439 --> 00:57:49,438 这听起来像是一种疾病 It sounds like a disease that you get 1282 00:57:49,439 --> 00:57:51,438 当你在做一只羊的时候。 when you're fucking a sheep. 1283 00:57:51,439 --> 00:57:53,439 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1284 00:57:57,439 --> 00:57:58,438 杰夫罗斯—— Jeff Ross -- 1285 00:57:58,439 --> 00:58:04,438 杰夫的迪克太小了，看起来就像他的坚果的帽子。 Jeff's dick is so small, it looks like a hat for his nuts. 1286 00:58:04,439 --> 00:58:07,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1287 00:58:07,439 --> 00:58:10,438 整个晚上，人们都把约瑟夫叫做“小猫咪”。 People have been calling Joseph a pussy all night. 1288 00:58:10,439 --> 00:58:13,438 如果再多一个人叫约瑟夫， If one more person calls Joseph a pussy again, 1289 00:58:13,439 --> 00:58:16,438 我要舔他20分钟。 I'm going to lick him for 20 minutes. 1290 00:58:16,439 --> 00:58:18,439 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1291 00:58:20,439 --> 00:58:24,438 笑 [ Laughs ] 1292 00:58:24,439 --> 00:58:27,438 布鲁斯威利斯，我最后一次见到你是在脱衣舞俱乐部。 Bruce Willis, the last time I saw you was in the strip club. 1293 00:58:27,439 --> 00:58:30,438 -你记得吗？-我知道。 - You remember that? - I do. 1294 00:58:30,439 --> 00:58:32,438 是的，是的，你有。 Yes, yes, you do. 1295 00:58:32,439 --> 00:58:35,438 尼基，你在舞台上表现得很好，宝贝。 And, Nikki, you was great on the stage, baby. 1296 00:58:35,439 --> 00:58:37,439 谢谢。 Thank you. 1297 00:58:38,439 --> 00:58:42,438 布鲁斯，你一直在制造这些该死的炸弹。 Bruce, you keep making these fucking bombs. 1298 00:58:42,439 --> 00:58:46,438 但你猜怎么着，金正恩也一样。 But guess what. So does Kim Jong-un. 1299 00:58:46,439 --> 00:58:51,438 但至少金正日足够聪明，不会释放他的。 But at least Kim is smart enough not to release his. 1300 00:58:51,439 --> 00:58:53,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1301 00:58:53,439 --> 00:58:55,438 我在外面拯救世界。 I'm out there saving the world. 1302 00:58:55,439 --> 00:58:59,438 你甚至不能拯救好莱坞。 You can't even save Planet Hollywood. 1303 00:58:59,439 --> 00:59:01,438 布鲁斯想出了这个主意 Bruce came up with this whole idea 1304 00:59:01,439 --> 00:59:03,438 你知道，关于好莱坞星球的事吗？ about the Planet Hollywood, you know? 1305 00:59:03,439 --> 00:59:04,438 他想要和硬石竞争。 He wanted to compete with the Hard Rock. 1306 00:59:04,439 --> 00:59:07,438 那真是个好主意，不是吗？ That was a great fuckin' idea, wasn't it? 1307 00:59:07,439 --> 00:59:11,438 所以，无论如何，他想要他所有的好莱坞朋友来投资。 So, anyway, he want all his Hollywood friends to invest. 1308 00:59:11,439 --> 00:59:12,438 他投入了几十万美元。 He put in hundreds of thousands of dollars. 1309 00:59:12,439 --> 00:59:14,438 我花了很多钱。 I put in a lot of damn money. 1310 00:59:14,439 --> 00:59:17,438 你欠我的钱比我的家人还多。 You owe me more money than my fuckin' family. 1311 00:59:17,439 --> 00:59:18,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1312 00:59:18,439 --> 00:59:20,438 我不是来烤你的。 I'm not here to roast you. 1313 00:59:20,439 --> 00:59:22,438 亲爱的，我是来收集的。 I'm here to collect, honey. 1314 00:59:22,439 --> 00:59:24,439 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1315 00:59:29,439 --> 00:59:33,438 布鲁斯，你一生中做了很多错误的决定， Bruce, you made a lot of bad decisions in your life, 1316 00:59:33,439 --> 00:59:35,438 这是我的问题。 and that's coming from me. 1317 00:59:35,439 --> 00:59:37,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1318 00:59:37,439 --> 00:59:40,438 我把我的迪克弄断了三次。 I broke my dick three times. 1319 00:59:40,439 --> 00:59:42,438 我在没有安全套的情况下和麦当娜打了一场。 I fucked Madonna without a condom. 1320 00:59:42,439 --> 00:59:45,438 我甚至结婚了 I even married myself 1321 00:59:45,439 --> 00:59:49,438 但我还是以某种方式失去了一半的离婚钱。 and still somehow lost half of my fuckin' money in divorce. 1322 00:59:49,439 --> 00:59:51,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1323 00:59:51,439 --> 00:59:55,438 布鲁斯，非常感谢你邀请我去你的烧烤。 Bruce, thank you very much for inviting me to your roast. 1324 00:59:55,439 --> 00:59:57,438 太棒了，伙计。你知道吗？ It's amazing, man. You know what? 1325 00:59:57,439 --> 01:00:00,438 你为这个行业做了这么多，你—— You have done so much for this industry, and you -- 1326 01:00:00,439 --> 01:00:03,438 我总是情绪失控，对吧？ I always get emotional and shit, right? 1327 01:00:03,439 --> 01:00:06,438 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1328 01:00:06,439 --> 01:00:08,439 我只是—— I'm just -- 1329 01:00:13,439 --> 01:00:16,438 小热，小热，小热。 Little hot, little hot, little hot. 1330 01:00:16,439 --> 01:00:18,438 小热，小热，伙计们。 Little hot. Little hot, guys. 1331 01:00:18,439 --> 01:00:19,438 它只是光。 It's just the light. 1332 01:00:19,439 --> 01:00:20,438 -这是灯。-走吧，丹尼斯！ - It's the light. - Go, Dennis! 1333 01:00:20,439 --> 01:00:23,438 不管怎样，布鲁斯，你为这个行业做了很多， But anyway, Bruce, you've done so much for this industry, 1334 01:00:23,439 --> 01:00:25,438 特别是对于像我们这样的人， especially for people like us, 1335 01:00:25,439 --> 01:00:27,438 作为男人，我们没有机会 as men, that we don't have the opportunity 1336 01:00:27,439 --> 01:00:30,438 当我们犯错时，我们有勇气面对它 and the courage to face it when we're wrong 1337 01:00:30,439 --> 01:00:32,438 我们做出了一个糟糕的决定， and we make that bad decision, 1338 01:00:32,439 --> 01:00:33,439 但是我们有一个美丽的家庭， but we have a beautiful family, 1339 01:00:34,439 --> 01:00:36,438 你的孩子们必须支持你。 and your kids have to stand by you. 1340 01:00:36,439 --> 01:00:38,438 谢谢你邀请我，兄弟。 Thank you for having me, brother. 1341 01:00:38,439 --> 01:00:40,439 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1342 01:00:42,439 --> 01:00:43,438 -你做得很好。-我差点就死了。 - You did great. - I almost died. 1343 01:00:43,439 --> 01:00:45,438 太好了。不，你做得很好。 That's great. No, you did great. 1344 01:00:45,439 --> 01:00:46,439 这很艰难。 That was tough. 1345 01:00:50,439 --> 01:00:52,438 好吧，听着。 All right, so listen. 1346 01:00:52,439 --> 01:00:58,438 我们刚收到一个消息，一个惊喜的客人已经来了。 We actually just got word that a surprise guest has stopped by. 1347 01:00:58,439 --> 01:01:00,438 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1348 01:01:00,439 --> 01:01:02,438 女士们，先生们，黛米摩尔。 Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore. 1349 01:01:02,439 --> 01:01:04,438 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1350 01:01:04,439 --> 01:01:12,438 ♪♪ 1351 01:01:12,439 --> 01:01:14,439 哇！ Whoo! 1352 01:01:17,439 --> 01:01:20,438 谢谢。 Thank you. 1353 01:01:20,439 --> 01:01:22,439 惊喜！ Surprise! 1354 01:01:24,439 --> 01:01:26,439 谢谢。 Thank you. 1355 01:01:29,439 --> 01:01:32,438 你感到惊讶吗？ Are you surprised? 1356 01:01:32,439 --> 01:01:34,438 布鲁斯威利斯，你感到惊讶吗？ Are you surprised, Bruce Willis? 1357 01:01:34,439 --> 01:01:35,438 -是的。-是的，我知道他会的。 - Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be. 1358 01:01:35,439 --> 01:01:37,438 我的意思是，尽管我昨天复习了所有的东西， I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday, 1359 01:01:37,439 --> 01:01:39,438 我知道他会忘记的。 I knew he'd forget. 1360 01:01:39,439 --> 01:01:42,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1361 01:01:42,439 --> 01:01:46,438 所以，对于那些不认识我的人，我是黛米摩尔。 So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Demi Moore. 1362 01:01:46,439 --> 01:01:49,438 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1363 01:01:49,439 --> 01:01:51,438 我嫁给了布鲁斯威利斯 I was married to Bruce Willis 1364 01:01:51,439 --> 01:01:54,438 在前三部电影“死硬”电影中， for the first three "Die Hard" movies, 1365 01:01:54,439 --> 01:01:57,438 这说得通，因为最后两个很糟糕。 which makes sense, because the last two sucked. 1366 01:01:57,439 --> 01:01:59,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1367 01:01:59,439 --> 01:02:02,438 这么多年过去了，我不得不说，你知道吗？ After all these years, I have to say, you know what? 1368 01:02:02,439 --> 01:02:03,438 你看起来不错。 You look good. 1369 01:02:03,439 --> 01:02:07,438 我的意思是，你的眉毛看起来还是一样的。 I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up. 1370 01:02:07,439 --> 01:02:10,438 但是我们一起度过了美好的时光。 But we had some great times together. 1371 01:02:10,439 --> 01:02:12,438 我的意思是，我们分享了很多。 I mean, we shared a lot. 1372 01:02:12,439 --> 01:02:16,438 我有三个漂亮的，了不起的孩子。 I had three beautiful, amazing children. 1373 01:02:16,439 --> 01:02:18,438 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1374 01:02:18,439 --> 01:02:20,439 如果你数了布鲁斯的话。 Four if you count Bruce. 1375 01:02:21,439 --> 01:02:23,438 然后是狗和阿什顿， And then there's the dogs and Ashton, 1376 01:02:23,439 --> 01:02:25,438 大概是6个，但你知道。 so it's like six, but you know. 1377 01:02:25,439 --> 01:02:29,438 我的意思是，当然，你知道，我们确实争论过 I mean, and, of course, you know, like, we did argue 1378 01:02:29,439 --> 01:02:33,438 在孩子们的名字上，最后，布鲁斯赢了。 over the kids' names, and in the end, Bruce won. 1379 01:02:33,439 --> 01:02:35,438 这就是为什么他们被“威利斯”卡住了。 That's how they got stuck with "Willis." 1380 01:02:35,439 --> 01:02:37,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1381 01:02:37,439 --> 01:02:41,438 但是我不得不说，我们的女儿们都非常适应， But I have to say, our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, 1382 01:02:41,439 --> 01:02:43,438 考虑到其中两个是布鲁斯威利斯的一半。 considering two of them are half Bruce Willis. 1383 01:02:43,439 --> 01:02:45,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1384 01:02:45,439 --> 01:02:49,438 但我想说，他是一个伟大的父亲。 But let me just say, he is a great father. 1385 01:02:49,439 --> 01:02:50,438 我是说真的。 I mean, seriously. 1386 01:02:50,439 --> 01:02:54,438 我的意思是，每个圣诞节，他都会有女孩 I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls 1387 01:02:54,439 --> 01:02:58,438 用“药”给他做他的特制咖啡 go make him his special coffee with "medicine," 1388 01:02:58,439 --> 01:03:00,438 我的意思是，他会从烟囱里下来 I mean, he would come down the chimney 1389 01:03:00,439 --> 01:03:03,438 在打老婆的t恤上， in the wife-beater T-shirt, 1390 01:03:03,439 --> 01:03:07,438 挥舞着那把枪，说：“哇，妈的，妈的！” waving that gun, saying, "Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers!" 1391 01:03:07,439 --> 01:03:08,438 耶！ Yeah! 1392 01:03:08,439 --> 01:03:11,438 我的意思是，他总是这样称呼他们， And, man, I mean, that's what he's always called them, 1393 01:03:11,439 --> 01:03:15,438 他们只是喜欢他的标记线。 and they just -- they just love his tag lines. 1394 01:03:15,439 --> 01:03:18,438 我是说，但是你可能不知道—— I mean, but what you might not know -- 1395 01:03:18,439 --> 01:03:21,438 布鲁斯是超级——我是说，真的很慷慨。 Bruce is super -- I mean, really generous. 1396 01:03:21,439 --> 01:03:25,438 我的意思是，当我们的女儿Rumer是个婴儿的时候 I mean, when our daughter Rumer was a baby 1397 01:03:25,439 --> 01:03:27,438 轮到他换尿布了 and it was his turn to change the diaper 1398 01:03:27,439 --> 01:03:29,438 午夜时分，他俯身过来，低声说， in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper, 1399 01:03:29,439 --> 01:03:31,438 他会说，我现在给你1,000美元 and he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now 1400 01:03:31,439 --> 01:03:35,438 如果你换尿布。” if you change that diaper." 1401 01:03:35,439 --> 01:03:40,438 当然，我不会这么做，因为，律师说， Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well, the lawyer said, 1402 01:03:40,439 --> 01:03:41,438 “别担心，我们会处理的。” "Don't worry. We'll take care of it. 1403 01:03:41,439 --> 01:03:44,438 我们最终会得到它的。” We'll get it in the end." 1404 01:03:44,439 --> 01:03:48,438 斯各特，斯各特让我不要说什么， And Scout -- Scout asked me not to say anything, 1405 01:03:48,439 --> 01:03:51,438 但就在上周，他给了她1,000美元 but just last week, he offered her $1,000 1406 01:03:51,439 --> 01:03:53,438 换尿布。 to change his diaper. 1407 01:03:53,439 --> 01:03:57,438 我的意思是，有些事情永远不会改变。 I mean, you know, some things never change. 1408 01:03:57,439 --> 01:03:59,438 他们没有。 They don't. 1409 01:03:59,439 --> 01:04:01,438 我的意思是，我们结婚了——让我们看看—— I mean, we were married -- let's see -- 1410 01:04:01,439 --> 01:04:07,438 差不多12年了，这就像布鲁斯威利斯的84年。 almost 12 years, and that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years. 1411 01:04:07,439 --> 01:04:09,438 但我在那里度过了一些特别的时刻。 But I was there for some special moments. 1412 01:04:09,439 --> 01:04:12,438 就像，开创性的，当布鲁斯—— Like, groundbreaking. When Bruce was -- 1413 01:04:12,439 --> 01:04:16,438 他在低俗小说中获得了职业生涯的突破。 He got his career-breaking moment in "Pulp Fiction." 1414 01:04:16,439 --> 01:04:19,438 -是的。-我是说，这是… - Yeah. - I mean, it was... 1415 01:04:19,439 --> 01:04:21,438 这在当时看起来很奇怪。 It seemed really odd at the time. 1416 01:04:21,439 --> 01:04:25,438 我的意思是，他是一个大动作明星，就像，做一个小的独立电影， I mean, he's big action star, like, doing a little indie film, 1417 01:04:25,439 --> 01:04:29,438 但是布鲁斯去了哈维温斯坦的旅馆， but Bruce went over to Harvey Weinstein's hotel, 1418 01:04:29,439 --> 01:04:31,438 我也不知道。 and I don't know. 1419 01:04:31,439 --> 01:04:34,438 他回来时挥舞着那个球， He came back swinging that ball gag, 1420 01:04:34,439 --> 01:04:37,438 然后，他说，“我得到了这个角色。” and, man, he said, "I got the part." 1421 01:04:37,439 --> 01:04:39,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1422 01:04:39,439 --> 01:04:41,438 我的意思是，我们做的事情很有趣。 I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part. 1423 01:04:41,439 --> 01:04:45,438 比如，我知道我已经染发了，剪了头发 Like, I know that I have dyed and cut and styled my hair 1424 01:04:45,439 --> 01:04:49,438 我不能告诉你——一百万种方式，但不是布鲁斯。 I can't tell you -- a million ways, but not Bruce. 1425 01:04:49,439 --> 01:04:52,438 我是说，那是他真正的头发。 I mean, that's his real hair. 1426 01:04:52,439 --> 01:04:57,438 女士们，让我告诉你们，地毯和窗帘相配。 And, ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes. 1427 01:04:57,439 --> 01:05:00,438 笑声，欢呼 [ Laughter, cheering ] 1428 01:05:00,439 --> 01:05:03,438 我的意思是，我并不是说他在那里秃顶。 I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there. 1429 01:05:03,439 --> 01:05:07,438 我只是说，你看哪个地方，它看起来像个迪克。 I'm just saying whichever place you look, it looks like a dick. 1430 01:05:07,439 --> 01:05:11,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1431 01:05:11,439 --> 01:05:12,438 你知道，在我们离婚后， You know, after our divorce, 1432 01:05:12,439 --> 01:05:15,738 他说他考虑过我们婚姻的终结 he said that he considered the end of our marriage 1433 01:05:15,739 --> 01:05:18,438 他最大的失败。 his biggest failure. 1434 01:05:18,439 --> 01:05:21,438 但是，布鲁斯，不要对自己太苛刻。 But, Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself. 1435 01:05:21,439 --> 01:05:23,438 你有更大的失败。 You have had much bigger failures. 1436 01:05:23,439 --> 01:05:26,438 我是说，好莱坞星球，哈德逊霍克 I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawk," 1437 01:05:26,439 --> 01:05:28,438 “惊人的距离。” "Striking Distance." 1438 01:05:28,439 --> 01:05:31,438 来吧，为迈克尔杜卡基斯竞选。 Come on, campaigning for Michael Dukakis. 1439 01:05:31,439 --> 01:05:36,438 我的意思是，拒绝克鲁尼在“十一罗汉”中的角色 I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven" 1440 01:05:36,439 --> 01:05:38,438 把注意力集中在吹口琴上。 to focus on playing the harmonica. 1441 01:05:38,439 --> 01:05:40,438 我的意思是。 I mean... 1442 01:05:40,439 --> 01:05:45,438 我的意思是，我可以继续，但是他们说这是一个两小时的节目，所以。 I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show, so... 1443 01:05:45,439 --> 01:05:46,438 但是你知道吗？ But you know what? 1444 01:05:46,439 --> 01:05:49,438 我回顾了我们在一起的所有岁月。 I look back over all the years that we've had together. 1445 01:05:49,439 --> 01:05:52,438 我们确实经历了起起伏伏，但我不得不说， We certainly had our ups and downs, but I have to say, 1446 01:05:52,439 --> 01:05:56,438 那是我一生中最美好的时光。 those were some of the best times of my life. 1447 01:05:56,439 --> 01:06:00,438 我只是把我们的婚姻看作是“第六感”。 I just look at our marriage like "The Sixth Sense." 1448 01:06:00,439 --> 01:06:02,438 你一直都是死的。 You were dead the whole time. 1449 01:06:02,439 --> 01:06:05,438 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1450 01:06:05,439 --> 01:06:07,438 不开玩笑—— All kidding aside -- 1451 01:06:07,439 --> 01:06:11,438 说真的，我真的很荣幸能来到这里。 Truly, all kidding aside, I'm really honored to be here. 1452 01:06:11,439 --> 01:06:14,438 你是我真正关心的人。 You are someone I truly care about. 1453 01:06:14,439 --> 01:06:18,438 你将永远在我心中有一个特别的地方。 You will always have a special place in my heart. 1454 01:06:18,439 --> 01:06:20,438 我很感激你在我的生命中 I'm so grateful that you're in my life 1455 01:06:20,439 --> 01:06:22,438 我们的孩子们的生活， and our children's lives, 1456 01:06:22,439 --> 01:06:24,438 无论如何，你永远是一家人。 and no matter what, you will always be family. 1457 01:06:24,439 --> 01:06:27,438 你曾经是一个伟大的朋友，一个伟大的父亲， You've been a great friend, a great father, 1458 01:06:27,439 --> 01:06:31,068 很容易就能成为我的前三任丈夫之一。 and easily one of my top three husbands. 1459 01:06:31,069 --> 01:06:34,438 笑声，欢呼和掌声 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 1460 01:06:34,439 --> 01:06:35,438 谢谢。 Thank you. 1461 01:06:35,439 --> 01:06:37,438 晚安。 Good night. 1462 01:06:37,439 --> 01:06:40,439 哦，宝贝。 Oh, baby. 1463 01:06:42,439 --> 01:06:43,438 -是吗？-哦，太好了。 - Was that all right? - Oh, terrific. 1464 01:06:43,439 --> 01:06:45,438 那真是太棒了。 It was fucking great. 1465 01:06:45,439 --> 01:06:47,438 你好，凯文波拉克。 Hi, Kevin Pollak. 1466 01:06:47,439 --> 01:06:49,438 哦，天哪。 Oh, my God. 1467 01:06:49,439 --> 01:06:51,438 接下来，杰夫罗斯。 Coming up, Jeff Ross... 1468 01:06:51,439 --> 01:06:54,438 我烤你很久了，妈的！ Me roast you long time, motherfucker! 1469 01:06:54,439 --> 01:06:56,438 还有布鲁斯威利斯。 ...and Bruce Willis. 1470 01:06:56,439 --> 01:06:58,439 他是一个勇敢的人，或者他需要钱。 He's a brave man or he needs the money. 1471 01:06:59,499 --> 01:07:00,498 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1472 01:07:00,499 --> 01:07:05,498 ♪♪ 1473 01:07:05,499 --> 01:07:09,498 我们的下一个烘焙师是Roastmaster General，Jeff Ross。 Our next roaster is the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. 1474 01:07:09,499 --> 01:07:12,498 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1475 01:07:12,499 --> 01:07:15,498 他做了14个喜剧中心的烘焙， He's done 14 Comedy Central roasts, 1476 01:07:15,499 --> 01:07:17,498 因为如果你做了15次，你就得到了免费的披萨。 because if you do 15, you get a free pizza. 1477 01:07:17,499 --> 01:07:19,498 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1478 01:07:19,499 --> 01:07:22,498 杰夫将会在“烤肉之战”的第四季首映礼上 Jeff will be on the season premiere of "Roast Battle" 1479 01:07:22,499 --> 01:07:25,498 在这个广播之后，如果你想看 after this broadcast, so if you want to see 1480 01:07:25,499 --> 01:07:29,498 他到那时候胖了多少，看看吧。 how much fatter he gets by then, check it out. 1481 01:07:29,499 --> 01:07:31,498 请欢迎杰夫罗斯！ Please welcome Jeff Ross! 1482 01:07:31,499 --> 01:07:33,498 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1483 01:07:33,499 --> 01:07:38,498 ♪♪ 1484 01:07:38,499 --> 01:07:40,498 大家都很高兴。 Happy roast, everyone. 1485 01:07:40,499 --> 01:07:41,498 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1486 01:07:41,499 --> 01:07:44,498 看看这些美丽的人群。 Look at this beautiful crowd. 1487 01:07:44,499 --> 01:07:50,498 今晚，我们要向世界上的范迪塞尔致敬。 Tonight, we honor the reason the world has a Vin Diesel. 1488 01:07:50,499 --> 01:07:52,498 布鲁斯是一个真正的男人。 Bruce is a real man's man. 1489 01:07:52,499 --> 01:07:55,498 他告诉我很多次，今晚不要退缩， He told me numerous times not to hold back tonight, 1490 01:07:55,499 --> 01:07:58,498 认识你和你可爱的家庭是件很棒的事， and it's been great getting to know you and your lovely family, 1491 01:07:58,499 --> 01:08:01,498 我看到了——我遇到了鲁默，你的女儿。 and I see -- I met Rumer, your daughter. 1492 01:08:01,499 --> 01:08:03,498 嗨，鲁默。 Hi, Rumer. 1493 01:08:03,499 --> 01:08:05,498 我想这就是你妈妈给你的名字 I guess that's the name your mom gives you 1494 01:08:05,499 --> 01:08:08,498 当她不是100%确定你的父亲是谁时。 when she's not 100% sure who your father is. 1495 01:08:08,499 --> 01:08:10,499 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1496 01:08:14,499 --> 01:08:15,498 拍一张桌子。 Get a shot of that whole table. 1497 01:08:15,499 --> 01:08:18,498 这是生命的美丽循环，布鲁斯。 It's the beautiful circle of life, Bruce. 1498 01:08:18,499 --> 01:08:20,498 你的家人看起来就像你杀死的所有坏人 Your family looks like all the villains you killed off 1499 01:08:20,499 --> 01:08:22,498 在“死硬”电影里。 in the "Die Hard" movies. 1500 01:08:22,499 --> 01:08:25,498 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1501 01:08:25,499 --> 01:08:26,498 真是个传奇。 What a legend. 1502 01:08:26,499 --> 01:08:27,498 布鲁斯威利斯一直在与恐怖分子作战 Bruce Willis has been fighting terrorists 1503 01:08:27,499 --> 01:08:29,498 在他们成为阿拉伯人之前。 since before they were Arab. 1504 01:08:29,499 --> 01:08:31,499 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1505 01:08:34,499 --> 01:08:38,498 布鲁斯威利斯是支持枪支、支持旗帜和保法的。 Bruce Willis is pro-gun, pro-flag, and Propecia. 1506 01:08:38,499 --> 01:08:41,498 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1507 01:08:41,499 --> 01:08:43,498 布鲁斯威利斯，你太爱你的国家了， Bruce Willis, you love your country so much, 1508 01:08:43,499 --> 01:08:45,498 他曾经说过，如果人们想要， he once said that if the people wanted it, 1509 01:08:45,499 --> 01:08:48,498 他甚至有一天会竞选总统。 he might even run for president someday. 1510 01:08:48,499 --> 01:08:51,498 我会取笑你有政治抱负， I'd make fun of you for having political aspirations, 1511 01:08:51,499 --> 01:08:52,498 但上次我这么做的时候， but the last time I did that, 1512 01:08:52,499 --> 01:08:54,498 那个笨蛋实际上成了总统。 the fucker actually became president. 1513 01:08:54,499 --> 01:08:57,498 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1514 01:08:57,499 --> 01:08:59,498 整个晚上，人们都说我长得像你， All night, people are saying I look like you, 1515 01:08:59,499 --> 01:09:02,498 但是赛比尔谢泼德看起来就像布鲁斯。詹纳。威利斯。 but Cybill Shepherd looks like Bruce Jenner-Willis. 1516 01:09:02,499 --> 01:09:04,499 观众叹息 [ Audience groans ] 1517 01:09:11,499 --> 01:09:12,498 和Lil Rel—— And Lil Rel -- 1518 01:09:12,499 --> 01:09:16,498 李尔看起来就像布鲁斯，“你在说什么，威利斯？” Lil Rel looks like Bruce "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" 1519 01:09:16,499 --> 01:09:18,499 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1520 01:09:24,499 --> 01:09:27,498 布鲁斯威利斯，你，我的朋友，完全是原创的。 Bruce Willis, you, my friend, are a total original. 1521 01:09:27,499 --> 01:09:32,498 怎么可能看起来像纳粹和纳粹大屠杀的受害者？ How is it possible to look like a Nazi and a Holocaust victim? 1522 01:09:32,499 --> 01:09:34,498 你看起来像帕特里克斯图尔特爵士 You look like Sir Patrick Stewart 1523 01:09:34,499 --> 01:09:36,498 如果他操作一个摩天轮。 if he operated a Ferris wheel. 1524 01:09:36,499 --> 01:09:38,499 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1525 01:09:45,499 --> 01:09:48,498 你他妈的是什么电影明星？ How the fuck are you a movie star? 1526 01:09:48,499 --> 01:09:51,499 你看起来就像养老院的保镖。 You look like a bouncer at a nursing home. 1527 01:09:53,499 --> 01:09:56,498 你就像Elmer Fudd如果他猎杀了坏的脚本 You're like Elmer Fudd if he hunted bad scripts 1528 01:09:56,499 --> 01:09:58,498 而不是用瓦比特来代替。 instead of wascally wabbits. 1529 01:09:58,499 --> 01:10:01,498 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1530 01:10:01,499 --> 01:10:04,498 这个该死的家伙。 This fucking guy. 1531 01:10:04,499 --> 01:10:07,498 布鲁斯威利斯想要的奥斯卡真他妈的糟糕， Bruce Willis wants an Oscar so fucking bad, 1532 01:10:07,499 --> 01:10:10,498 他慢慢地变成了一个。 he's slowly morphing into one. 1533 01:10:10,499 --> 01:10:12,499 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1534 01:10:15,499 --> 01:10:17,498 这太疯狂了。 It's crazy. 1535 01:10:17,499 --> 01:10:19,498 他从好莱坞的领军人物 He went from being Hollywood's leading man 1536 01:10:19,499 --> 01:10:22,498 黛米摩尔看着你说，“你知道吗？ to Demi Moore looking at you and saying, "You know what? 1537 01:10:22,499 --> 01:10:25,498 我宁愿去和那个“哥们，我的车在哪里”的笨蛋做爱。 I'd rather fuck the dumb guy from "Dude, Where's My Car?" 1538 01:10:25,499 --> 01:10:27,499 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1539 01:10:31,499 --> 01:10:33,498 但是，布鲁斯，我们都祝你在诉讼中好运 But, Bruce, we all wish you luck with your lawsuit 1540 01:10:33,499 --> 01:10:35,498 与蓝人小组对抗。 against the Blue Man Group. 1541 01:10:35,499 --> 01:10:37,499 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1542 01:10:41,499 --> 01:10:44,498 这太有趣了，我的意思是，布鲁斯真是个明星。 This is so much fun. I mean, Bruce is such a star. 1543 01:10:44,499 --> 01:10:48,498 你已经进入了电影史上最具标志性的场景。 You've been in some of the most iconic scenes in cinema history. 1544 01:10:48,499 --> 01:10:50,498 我最喜欢的电影低俗小说中的场景 My favorite scene in "Pulp Fiction" 1545 01:10:50,499 --> 01:10:54,498 当你救了那个家伙，让他在屁股上坐了下来。 when you saved the guy from getting fucked in the ass. 1546 01:10:54,499 --> 01:10:56,498 嘿，丹尼斯，在电影的那个时候，你喜欢吗， Hey, Dennis, at that point in the movie, were you like, 1547 01:10:56,499 --> 01:10:58,498 “等等，谁又是坏人？” "Wait, who's the bad guy again?" 1548 01:10:58,499 --> 01:11:00,499 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1549 01:11:02,499 --> 01:11:04,498 他妈的？ What the fuck? 1550 01:11:04,499 --> 01:11:06,498 当然，你最近的电影是一颗大炸弹。 Of course, your most recent film was a big bomb. 1551 01:11:06,499 --> 01:11:10,778 “死亡之愿”——一个他妈的臭家伙，布鲁斯。 "Death Wish" -- what a fuckin' stinker, Bruce. 1552 01:11:10,779 --> 01:11:12,778 你看起来像是在做自己的特技 You looked like you did your own stunts 1553 01:11:12,779 --> 01:11:15,778 还有你自己的灯光，编辑和导演。 and your own lighting, editing, and directing. 1554 01:11:15,779 --> 01:11:17,778 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1555 01:11:17,779 --> 01:11:18,778 哇！ Whew! 1556 01:11:18,779 --> 01:11:19,778 今天晚上的主人， How about a hand for tonight's host, 1557 01:11:19,779 --> 01:11:21,778 约瑟夫“无聊”莱维特。 Joseph "Boredom" Levitt. 1558 01:11:21,779 --> 01:11:24,778 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1559 01:11:24,779 --> 01:11:26,778 JGL！ JGL! 1560 01:11:26,779 --> 01:11:28,948 约瑟夫戈登-莱维特—— Joseph Gordon-Levitt -- 1561 01:11:28,949 --> 01:11:32,778 这三个词比无谷蛋白饼干更无聊。 the only three words more boring than gluten-free cracker. 1562 01:11:32,779 --> 01:11:34,779 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1563 01:11:38,109 --> 01:11:39,108 谢谢你的打扮，约瑟夫。 Thanks for dressing up, Joseph. 1564 01:11:39,109 --> 01:11:42,108 你在去舞会的路上看起来像个女同性恋。 You look like a lesbian on the way to prom. 1565 01:11:42,109 --> 01:11:44,109 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1566 01:11:47,109 --> 01:11:48,108 是的。 Yeah. 1567 01:11:48,109 --> 01:11:50,108 约瑟夫主演了“太阳3号岩石” Joseph starred in "3rd Rock from the Sun," 1568 01:11:50,109 --> 01:11:53,108 丹尼斯罗德曼在他儿子面前抽了三根石头。 and Dennis Rodman smoked three rocks in front of his son. 1569 01:11:53,109 --> 01:11:55,109 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1570 01:11:57,109 --> 01:11:58,108 是啊，为什么不呢？ Yeah, why not? 1571 01:11:58,109 --> 01:12:00,108 为我们的下一任国务卿， Give it up for our next Secretary of State, 1572 01:12:00,109 --> 01:12:02,108 我的丈夫丹尼斯罗德曼。 my man Dennis Rodman. 1573 01:12:02,109 --> 01:12:04,109 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1574 01:12:07,109 --> 01:12:09,108 你认为金正恩是个好人， You think Kim Jong-un is a nice guy, 1575 01:12:09,109 --> 01:12:11,108 他认为你是斯科蒂皮蓬。 and he thinks you're Scottie Pippen. 1576 01:12:11,109 --> 01:12:15,109 笑声，掌声 [ Laughter, applause ] 1577 01:12:22,109 --> 01:12:24,108 我的朋友Lil Rel在这里。 My pal Lil Rel is here. 1578 01:12:24,109 --> 01:12:26,108 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1579 01:12:26,109 --> 01:12:28,108 太高兴了，伙计。太高兴了。 So happy for you, buddy. So happy. 1580 01:12:28,109 --> 01:12:31,108 祝贺你的成功和你的最新电影， Congrats on all your success and your newest film, 1581 01:12:31,109 --> 01:12:34,108 “愤怒的小鸟2。” "Angry Birds 2." 1582 01:12:34,109 --> 01:12:36,108 很高兴看到你没有卖出去。 Good to see you're not selling out. 1583 01:12:36,109 --> 01:12:38,108 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1584 01:12:38,109 --> 01:12:40,108 吉姆克罗，你在玩什么？ What do you play, Jim Crow? 1585 01:12:40,109 --> 01:12:42,109 观众叹息 [ Audience groans ] 1586 01:12:47,109 --> 01:12:50,108 很高兴又见到了赛比尔谢泼德。 Great to see Cybill Shepherd again. 1587 01:12:50,109 --> 01:12:51,108 就像大多数牧羊人一样， And just like most shepherds, 1588 01:12:51,109 --> 01:12:54,108 在过去的两个世纪里，Cybill并没有做太多的工作。 Cybill hasn't worked much in the last two centuries. 1589 01:12:54,109 --> 01:12:56,108 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1590 01:12:56,109 --> 01:12:58,108 好的。 Okay. 1591 01:12:58,109 --> 01:13:01,108 西比尔和猫王有过一段风流韵事。真酷，伙计。 Cybill had an affair with Elvis. How cool, man. 1592 01:13:01,109 --> 01:13:03,108 在他们的风流韵事多年后， Years after their affair, 1593 01:13:03,109 --> 01:13:05,108 西比尔透露说，埃尔维斯对你很失望。 Cybill revealed that Elvis went down on you. 1594 01:13:05,109 --> 01:13:08,108 这是真的吗？是的。 Is that true? Yeah. 1595 01:13:08,109 --> 01:13:10,108 好的。 All right. 1596 01:13:10,109 --> 01:13:12,108 该死的！ Hell yeah! 1597 01:13:12,109 --> 01:13:13,108 哇。 Wow. 1598 01:13:13,109 --> 01:13:17,108 你可能会认为猎犬的嗅觉会更好。 You'd think a hound dog would have a better sense of smell. 1599 01:13:17,109 --> 01:13:19,108 观众叹息 [ Audience groans ] 1600 01:13:19,109 --> 01:13:21,108 哦，天哪！ Oh, my God! 1601 01:13:21,109 --> 01:13:23,108 说到月光， And speaking of moonlighting, 1602 01:13:23,109 --> 01:13:26,108 Dom Irrera不得不取消两班通心粉烧烤 Dom Irrera had to cancel two shifts at Macaroni Grill 1603 01:13:26,109 --> 01:13:27,108 在这里。 to be here. 1604 01:13:27,109 --> 01:13:29,109 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1605 01:13:31,109 --> 01:13:34,108 笑 [ Laughs ] 1606 01:13:34,109 --> 01:13:37,108 Dom Irrera是你之前的样子， Dom Irrera is what you look like right before you say, 1607 01:13:37,109 --> 01:13:41,108 “明天，我要开始果汁排毒。” "Tomorrow, I'm starting a juice cleanse." 1608 01:13:41,109 --> 01:13:44,108 对，没错。 True. That's right. 1609 01:13:44,109 --> 01:13:45,108 凯文波拉克，我爱你，伙计， Kevin Pollak, I love you, man, 1610 01:13:45,109 --> 01:13:47,108 但是克里斯托弗沃尔肯的印象太老了， but that Christopher Walken impression is so old, 1611 01:13:47,109 --> 01:13:50,108 阿什顿库彻试图与之结婚。 Ashton Kutcher tried to marry it. 1612 01:13:50,109 --> 01:13:52,109 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1613 01:13:55,109 --> 01:13:57,108 爱你，凯文。请坐。 Love you, Kevin. Sit tight. 1614 01:13:57,109 --> 01:14:00,109 只要保罗吉亚提死，你就会变大。 You're gonna be big whenever Paul Giamatti dies. 1615 01:14:05,109 --> 01:14:07,108 -布鲁斯-是吗？ - Bruce. - Yes? 1616 01:14:07,109 --> 01:14:08,108 你已经完成了这么多，伙计， You've accomplished so much, buddy, 1617 01:14:08,109 --> 01:14:12,108 但我认为这将永远是你一鸣惊人的"世界末日" but I think it will always be your blockbuster "Armageddon" 1618 01:14:12,109 --> 01:14:16,108 这是对你职业生涯最重要的比喻， that serves as the greatest metaphor for your career, 1619 01:14:16,109 --> 01:14:20,109 因为最后，你被石头摧毁了。 because in the end, you got destroyed by The Rock. 1620 01:14:22,109 --> 01:14:26,108 美国新泽西男孩长大后皮肤很厚， Us Jersey boys are raised to have thick skin, 1621 01:14:26,109 --> 01:14:28,108 所以我知道你今晚会是一项伟大的运动， so I knew you'd be a great sport tonight, 1622 01:14:28,109 --> 01:14:31,108 我希望你继续成功，健康， and I wish you continued success, good health, 1623 01:14:31,109 --> 01:14:33,108 我迫不及待地想看看你的下一个项目 and I can't wait to see your next project -- 1624 01:14:33,109 --> 01:14:36,108 “死硬6：自然原因。” "Die Hard 6: Natural Causes." 1625 01:14:36,109 --> 01:14:39,108 笑声，欢呼和掌声 [ Laughter, cheers and applause ] 1626 01:14:39,109 --> 01:14:42,108 哦，宝贝。 [ Laughs ] Oh, baby. 1627 01:14:42,109 --> 01:14:44,108 -爱你，伙计。-那就是——爱你。 - Love you, buddy. - That was -- Love you, too. 1628 01:14:44,109 --> 01:14:46,108 -哦，天啊，难以置信。-太有趣了。 - Oh, God. Unbelievable. - So fun. 1629 01:14:46,109 --> 01:14:49,108 -让他们死在那里。-太有趣了。 - Knock 'em dead over there. - So much fun. 1630 01:14:49,109 --> 01:14:52,108 杰夫。罗斯他妈的毁了。 Jeff Ross just fucking destroyed. 1631 01:14:52,109 --> 01:14:55,108 布鲁斯威利斯来了，复仇了。 Coming up, Bruce Willis with a vengeance. 1632 01:14:55,109 --> 01:14:56,568 威利斯：人们会哭的。 Willis: People are gonna be crying. 1633 01:14:56,569 --> 01:14:58,108 他们会笑的。 They're gonna be laughing. 1634 01:14:58,109 --> 01:15:01,108 很明显，他们会让人们喝酒。 Apparently, they're gonna let people drink. 1635 01:15:01,109 --> 01:15:03,109 你认为这会是一个问题吗？ Do you think that's gonna be a problem? 1636 01:15:04,139 --> 01:15:06,138 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1637 01:15:06,139 --> 01:15:09,138 ♪♪ 1638 01:15:10,139 --> 01:15:13,138 放弃它，让它成为牢不可破的， Give it up for the unbreakable, unmistakable, 1639 01:15:13,139 --> 01:15:15,138 最漂亮的，最摇滚的哈德逊。 rippin-est, rockin-est the Hudson Hawken-est. 1640 01:15:15,139 --> 01:15:16,138 他是那个时代的人， He's the man of the hour, 1641 01:15:16,139 --> 01:15:20,138 来自中臣塔，布鲁斯威利斯！ from the Nakatomi Tower, Bruce Willis! 1642 01:15:20,139 --> 01:15:23,138 如果你不尊重自己 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 1643 01:15:23,139 --> 01:15:29,138 没有人会给你一个好东西，na-na-na哦 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot, na-na-na oh ♪ 1644 01:15:29,139 --> 01:15:31,139 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1645 01:15:33,139 --> 01:15:34,138 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1646 01:15:34,139 --> 01:15:37,139 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1647 01:15:39,139 --> 01:15:41,138 哦！ Willis: Whoo! 1648 01:15:41,139 --> 01:15:43,138 出来吃烤肉。 Come out to the roast. 1649 01:15:43,139 --> 01:15:47,138 我们会聚在一起，开怀大笑。 We'll get together and have a few laughs. 1650 01:15:47,139 --> 01:15:49,138 如果你是布鲁斯威利斯的电影迷， If you're fan of Bruce Willis movies, 1651 01:15:49,139 --> 01:15:52,138 我知道你是。 and I know that you are... 1652 01:15:52,139 --> 01:15:54,624 然后你就知道这是怎么回事了。 then you know how this works. 1653 01:15:54,626 --> 01:15:57,625 我被打了一个半小时的屁屁， I get the shit beat out of me for about an hour and a half, 1654 01:15:57,626 --> 01:16:01,625 最后，我回来，把大家都甩了。 and then at the end, I come back and whip everybody's ass. 1655 01:16:01,626 --> 01:16:03,626 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1656 01:16:06,626 --> 01:16:08,625 出去！ Out! 1657 01:16:08,626 --> 01:16:10,625 所以，系上安全带，婊子！ So, buckle up, bitches! 1658 01:16:10,626 --> 01:16:13,625 这是在“时间”！ This is ass-whuppin' time! 1659 01:16:13,626 --> 01:16:15,625 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1660 01:16:15,626 --> 01:16:17,625 这就是我所说的。 That's what I'm talking about. 1661 01:16:17,626 --> 01:16:19,625 你知道，在我的动作片中， You know, in my action movies, 1662 01:16:19,626 --> 01:16:23,625 总有一些年轻的朋克想要来找我， there's always some young punk trying to come at me, 1663 01:16:23,626 --> 01:16:27,626 今晚，是犹大戈登-莱维特。 and tonight, it's Judas Gordon-Levitt. 1664 01:16:29,626 --> 01:16:35,625 乔，我把你带到我的羽翼之下，试图让你变得坚强， Joe, I took you under my wing, tried to make you tough, 1665 01:16:35,626 --> 01:16:37,625 想让你成为一个动作明星， tried to make you an action star, 1666 01:16:37,626 --> 01:16:39,625 这对一个孩子来说不是件容易的事 which ain't easy to do with a kid 1667 01:16:39,626 --> 01:16:42,625 谁看起来像花样滑冰的坏男孩。 who looks like the bad boy of figure skating. 1668 01:16:42,626 --> 01:16:44,626 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1669 01:16:49,626 --> 01:16:52,625 约瑟夫在“卢佩尔”中扮演一个更年轻的我。 Joseph played a younger me in "Looper." 1670 01:16:52,626 --> 01:16:53,625 不能把它拉下来。 Couldn't pull it off. 1671 01:16:53,626 --> 01:16:55,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1672 01:16:55,626 --> 01:16:59,625 只有一个演员成功地扮演了我的角色。 There's only one actor who successfully played me. 1673 01:16:59,626 --> 01:17:01,625 那是黛米摩尔。 It was Demi Moore. 1674 01:17:01,626 --> 01:17:03,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1675 01:17:03,626 --> 01:17:08,626 她赚的钱比你多，甜心。 And she made a lot more money than you did, sweetheart. 1676 01:17:09,626 --> 01:17:11,626 杰夫罗斯，你做了多少次烘焙？ Jeff Ross, how many of these roasts have you done? 1677 01:17:12,626 --> 01:17:13,625 很多。 Plenty. 1678 01:17:13,626 --> 01:17:15,625 做同样的事情永远不会成功 You'll never get successful doing the same thing 1679 01:17:15,626 --> 01:17:18,625 杰夫，一遍又一遍。 over and over and over, Jeff. 1680 01:17:18,626 --> 01:17:20,795 我是说，我做到了，但你不能。 I mean, I did, but you can't. 1681 01:17:20,796 --> 01:17:22,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1682 01:17:22,626 --> 01:17:24,625 我来告诉你们谁是坏蛋， I'll tell you who's a badass up here, 1683 01:17:24,626 --> 01:17:26,625 这是我的朋友爱德华诺顿。 and that is my buddy Edward Norton. 1684 01:17:26,626 --> 01:17:28,625 去他妈的！ Get the fuck up here! 1685 01:17:28,626 --> 01:17:32,625 “搏击俱乐部”对你来说是一部完美的电影。 "Fight Club" was the perfect movie for you. 1686 01:17:32,626 --> 01:17:34,625 谁不想看艾德诺顿 Who doesn't want to watch Ed Norton 1687 01:17:34,626 --> 01:17:39,625 在脸上被打了90分钟？ get punched in the face for about 90 minutes? 1688 01:17:39,626 --> 01:17:41,625 我爱你，艾德，我爱你。 I love you, Ed. I do. 1689 01:17:41,626 --> 01:17:44,626 但是你在这个镇上有一个代表。 But you do have a rep in this town for being... 1690 01:17:45,626 --> 01:17:47,625 你知道，很难共事。 you know, hard to work with. 1691 01:17:47,626 --> 01:17:49,625 诺顿用错误的方式揉搓了更多的人 Norton's rubbed more people the wrong way 1692 01:17:49,626 --> 01:17:51,625 哈维温斯坦。 than Harvey Weinstein. 1693 01:17:51,626 --> 01:17:53,626 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1694 01:17:55,626 --> 01:17:57,925 对不起。 Sorry. 1695 01:17:57,926 --> 01:18:00,625 但你在“意大利工作”中表现得很好。 But you were great in "The Italian Job." 1696 01:18:00,626 --> 01:18:02,625 观众欢呼 [ Audience cheers ] 1697 01:18:02,626 --> 01:18:07,625 意大利人的工作也是当你的“该死的”Dom Irrera。 An Italian job is also when you titty fuck Dom Irrera. 1698 01:18:07,626 --> 01:18:10,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1699 01:18:10,626 --> 01:18:12,625 李尔，看见你在“滚出去”。 Lil Rel. Saw you in "Get Out." 1700 01:18:12,626 --> 01:18:14,625 伙计，我喜欢那部电影。 Man, I love that movie. 1701 01:18:14,626 --> 01:18:17,625 如果你没看过，那是关于黑人的 If you haven't seen it, it's about how black people 1702 01:18:17,626 --> 01:18:20,625 是非常粗鲁的客人。 are really rude house guests. 1703 01:18:20,626 --> 01:18:22,626 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1704 01:18:26,626 --> 01:18:30,625 现在我想要在这里面对最困难的人—— And now I want to take on the toughest person up here -- 1705 01:18:30,626 --> 01:18:34,625 我的朋友曾经是玛莎。斯图尔特。 my friend ex-con Martha Stewart. 1706 01:18:34,626 --> 01:18:36,625 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1707 01:18:36,626 --> 01:18:38,625 是的，宝贝。 Yeah, baby. 1708 01:18:38,626 --> 01:18:40,625 如果有人能在监狱里活下来， If anyone can survive in prison, 1709 01:18:40,626 --> 01:18:43,625 这是一个可以扔沙拉的人。 it's someone who can toss a salad. 1710 01:18:43,626 --> 01:18:45,625 观众欢呼 [ Audience cheers ] 1711 01:18:45,626 --> 01:18:46,625 没错。 That's right. 1712 01:18:46,626 --> 01:18:49,625 玛莎是一个真正的企业大亨。 Martha's a real corporate kingpin. 1713 01:18:49,626 --> 01:18:52,625 她甚至有自己的葡萄酒品牌。 She even has her own brand of wine. 1714 01:18:52,626 --> 01:18:56,625 这就像她的男朋友，它在一个旧盒子里。 It's like her boyfriend. It comes in an old box. 1715 01:18:56,626 --> 01:18:59,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1716 01:18:59,626 --> 01:19:02,625 玛莎也是一个人道主义者。 Martha is also a humanitarian. 1717 01:19:02,626 --> 01:19:06,625 当她听说边境的孩子们住在狭小的笼子里时， When she heard about the kids at the border living in tiny cages, 1718 01:19:06,626 --> 01:19:08,625 她寄给他们缝纫机。 she sent them sewing machines. 1719 01:19:08,626 --> 01:19:11,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1720 01:19:11,626 --> 01:19:13,625 这有什么问题吗？ What's wrong with that? 1721 01:19:13,626 --> 01:19:16,625 凯文波拉克，欢迎来到派对，伙计。 Kevin Pollak, welcome to the party, pal. 1722 01:19:16,626 --> 01:19:20,625 你的整个职业生涯都归功于你所扮演的角色。 You owe your whole career to the guys you impersonate. 1723 01:19:20,626 --> 01:19:24,625 你在施瓦辛格身上赚的钱比他的女佣赚的还多。 You've made more money doing Schwarzenegger than his maid. 1724 01:19:24,626 --> 01:19:26,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1725 01:19:26,626 --> 01:19:30,626 更不用提，你更擅长打扫房子。 And not to mention, you're better at cleaning houses. 1726 01:19:32,626 --> 01:19:35,625 尼基。格拉泽，我是一个超级粉丝。 Nikki Glaser, I am a big fan. 1727 01:19:35,626 --> 01:19:38,625 你和文斯沃恩在“婚礼终结者”中表现得很好。 You and Vince Vaughn were great in "Wedding Crashers." 1728 01:19:38,626 --> 01:19:41,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1729 01:19:41,626 --> 01:19:43,625 我看到了！ I see it! 1730 01:19:43,626 --> 01:19:46,625 -我看见了-对不起。 - I see it. - I'm sorry. 1731 01:19:46,626 --> 01:19:52,625 你知道的，我最年长的朋友，赛比尔。 You know, Cybill Shepherd, my oldest friend. 1732 01:19:52,626 --> 01:19:53,625 我认识的人更久， There's people I've known longer, 1733 01:19:53,626 --> 01:19:57,625 但你是我最老的朋友。 but you are my oldest friend. 1734 01:19:57,626 --> 01:19:58,625 当我在“月光照明”剧组工作的时候 When I got cast in "Moonlighting," 1735 01:19:58,626 --> 01:20:01,625 他们挑选了我3,000多名演员 they picked me over 3,000 other actors 1736 01:20:01,626 --> 01:20:03,625 因为他们想要一个人 because they wanted someone 1737 01:20:03,626 --> 01:20:06,625 谁没有和西比尔有过性史。 who didn't have a sexual history with Cybill. 1738 01:20:06,626 --> 01:20:09,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1739 01:20:09,626 --> 01:20:12,625 很高兴能和你一起上电视，亲爱的， It's so great to be back on TV with you, honey, 1740 01:20:12,626 --> 01:20:14,625 在另一场由我主演的电视剧中。 in another show starring me. 1741 01:20:14,626 --> 01:20:16,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1742 01:20:16,626 --> 01:20:18,625 我很抱歉。 I'm so sorry. 1743 01:20:18,626 --> 01:20:20,625 对不起。 Sorry. 1744 01:20:20,626 --> 01:20:22,625 最后，它太棒了 And finally, it's so great 1745 01:20:22,626 --> 01:20:27,625 请尊敬的外交官丹尼斯罗德曼在这里。 to have the esteemed diplomat Dennis Rodman here. 1746 01:20:27,626 --> 01:20:29,625 -哇！-哦，狗屎。 - Whoo! - Oh, shit. 1747 01:20:29,626 --> 01:20:31,625 我不想说丹尼斯是一个糟糕的谈判者， I don't want to say Dennis is a bad negotiator, 1748 01:20:31,626 --> 01:20:33,625 但他认为是鞋子交易 but he thinks a shoe deal 1749 01:20:33,626 --> 01:20:35,625 当你同时得到两个。 is when you get two at the same time. 1750 01:20:35,626 --> 01:20:36,625 笑声 [ Laughter ] 1751 01:20:36,626 --> 01:20:40,625 丹尼斯，你和金正恩是如何沟通的 Dennis, how do you and Kim Jong-un communicate 1752 01:20:40,626 --> 01:20:42,626 你们谁都不会说英语？ when neither of you speak English? 1753 01:20:45,626 --> 01:20:46,625 丹尼斯，我知道你认为 Dennis, I know you think 1754 01:20:46,626 --> 01:20:48,625 你拯救了这个世界，这是一件大事， it's a big deal that you saved the world, 1755 01:20:48,626 --> 01:20:50,625 但它并没有它所能达到的那么多。 but it's not as much as it's made up to be. 1756 01:20:50,626 --> 01:20:55,625 谁在乎？我拯救了世界18次。 Who cares? I've saved the world 18 times. 1757 01:20:55,626 --> 01:20:56,625 什么也不能阻止我。 Nothing can keep me down. 1758 01:20:56,626 --> 01:20:59,625 我被恐怖分子，小行星， I've been attacked by terrorists, asteroids, 1759 01:20:59,626 --> 01:21:03,625 电影评论家，音乐评论家，餐厅评论家， film critics, music critics, restaurant critics, 1760 01:21:03,626 --> 01:21:06,625 离婚律师，男性秃头， divorce lawyers, male-pattern baldness, 1761 01:21:06,626 --> 01:21:09,625 没有一个，没有一个能阻止我 and none of it -- none of it stopped me 1762 01:21:09,626 --> 01:21:13,625 因为我还是布鲁斯福克的威利斯。 because I am still Bruce Fuckin' Willis. 1763 01:21:13,626 --> 01:21:15,626 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1764 01:21:23,626 --> 01:21:26,625 人们问我为什么要做这种烤肉。 People ask me why I did this roast. 1765 01:21:26,626 --> 01:21:29,625 是因为最后一个人做了这件事 Was it because one of the last guys who did it 1766 01:21:29,626 --> 01:21:30,625 成为总统？ became president? 1767 01:21:30,626 --> 01:21:32,625 不。 Hell no. 1768 01:21:32,626 --> 01:21:33,625 我为什么要当总统 Why would I want to be president 1769 01:21:33,626 --> 01:21:37,625 当我还能继续当布鲁斯？ when I can just keep being Bruce Fuckin' Willis? 1770 01:21:37,626 --> 01:21:40,625 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1771 01:21:40,626 --> 01:21:41,625 嗯？是吗？ Huh? Yeah? 1772 01:21:41,626 --> 01:21:46,625 我做这个烤肉是有原因的，而且只有一个原因—— I did this roast for one reason and for one reason only -- 1773 01:21:46,626 --> 01:21:50,625 一劳永逸地解决问题。 to settle something once and for all. 1774 01:21:50,626 --> 01:21:53,625 现在，请仔细听。 Now, please, listen very carefully. 1775 01:21:53,626 --> 01:21:59,625 “死硬”不是一部圣诞电影！ "Die Hard" is not a Christmas movie! 1776 01:21:59,626 --> 01:22:02,625 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1777 01:22:02,626 --> 01:22:06,625 这是一部该死的布鲁斯威利斯的电影。 It's a goddamn Bruce Willis movie. 1778 01:22:06,626 --> 01:22:10,625 所以，对你们所有的人来说，yip小便基耶。 So, yippee ki-yay to all of you motherfuckers. 1779 01:22:10,626 --> 01:22:11,625 晚安！ Good night! 1780 01:22:11,626 --> 01:22:13,625 欢呼和掌声 [ Cheers and applause ] 1781 01:22:13,626 --> 01:22:15,625 “尊重你自己” [ "Respect Yourself" plays ] 1782 01:22:15,626 --> 01:22:22,625 ♪♪ 1783 01:22:22,626 --> 01:22:24,625 口琴演奏 [ Harmonica playing ] 1784 01:22:24,626 --> 01:22:27,625 ♪♪ 1785 01:22:27,626 --> 01:22:29,626 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1786 01:22:31,626 --> 01:22:33,626 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1787 01:22:35,626 --> 01:22:37,626 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1788 01:22:39,626 --> 01:22:41,625 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1789 01:22:41,626 --> 01:22:44,625 哦，是的，是的 ♪ Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah 1790 01:22:44,626 --> 01:22:47,625 如果你不尊重自己 ♪ If you don't respect yourself ♪ 1791 01:22:47,626 --> 01:22:51,625 没人会给你一个好东西 ♪ Ain't nobody gonna give a good ca-hoot ♪ 1792 01:22:51,626 --> 01:22:52,625 娜娜-娜-娜 ♪ Na-na-na-na 1793 01:22:52,626 --> 01:22:54,626 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1794 01:22:56,626 --> 01:22:58,626 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1795 01:23:00,626 --> 01:23:02,625 尊重自己 ♪ Respect yourself 1796 01:23:02,626 --> 01:23:09,626 ♪♪ 1797 01:23:10,626 --> 01:23:11,625 ♪♪ 1798 01:23:11,626 --> 01:23:14,625 小丫头，妈的！ Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker! 1799 01:23:14,626 --> 01:23:16,625 我最喜欢的笑话是杰夫罗斯， My favorite joke of the night was Jeff Ross, 1800 01:23:16,626 --> 01:23:19,625 你要和蓝人小组打官司。 that you have a lawsuit going with the Blue Man Group. 1801 01:23:19,626 --> 01:23:20,625 -她看起来不错。-是的。 - She looks great. - Yeah. 1802 01:23:20,626 --> 01:23:22,625 我不知道黛米摩尔 Ross: I had no idea Demi Moore 1803 01:23:22,626 --> 01:23:24,625 会在他的烤肉时出来。 would ever come out at his roast. 1804 01:23:24,626 --> 01:23:26,625 而且她很滑稽，很有魅力。 And she was hilarious, to boot. 1805 01:23:26,626 --> 01:23:27,625 她看起来棒极了。 And she looks great. 1806 01:23:27,626 --> 01:23:28,625 希望她能参加完派对。 So hopefully she'll be at the after party. 1807 01:23:28,626 --> 01:23:30,625 我想我有机会了。 I think I got a shot. 1808 01:23:30,626 --> 01:23:32,625 我以为会有什么东西会让我的下巴脱臼 I thought something was gonna dislocate my jaw 1809 01:23:32,626 --> 01:23:34,625 因为我笑得那么厉害。 'cause I was laughing so hard. 1810 01:23:34,626 --> 01:23:36,625 就像这样，我就像个咕哝着的人 It was going like this. I was like [Grunts] 1811 01:23:36,626 --> 01:23:39,626 “我想我再也不能把它拉下来了。” "I don't think I can pull it down anymore." 1812 01:23:39,746 --> 01:23:46,520 关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 1813 01:23:48,580 --> 01:23:52,580 关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com 1814 01:24:03,760 --> 01:24:07,760 关于字幕服务，contatct:waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com For Subtitling Services, contatct: waqas.zahoor89@gmail.com